I know the argument: How did we get here? Didn’t marriage start as a way of solidifying land contracts between kings? Psshhh. It’s not even about love. It's about society, man. Monogamy is an out-of-date absurdity. Seriously, thousands of years of pre-programming for men to spread their seed, propagate the species, survive, and now we’re expected to shut it off. To get married. Because society. Without so much as a “Thanks for keeping us orgasming (probably, like, every single time) with those magic dicks of yours, guys.” Ungrateful bitches.
And if there’s anything I’ve learned from my marathon sessions of Mad Men and Game of Thrones, not to mention every movie NOT based on a Nicholas Sparks novel, it’s that rampant sex outside of marriage is a foregone conclusion. It’s the reality of any true hero (or antihero). Even when some guy is seeking bloodthirsty and romantic revenge for the murder of his wife/lover (whom he swears he’ll never stop loving) he ends up banging some other chick, I assume because her vagina is still alive and functioning and she does the thing with the tongue (see Braveheart, Gladiator, The Dark Knight Rises, etc.). All this pop culture infidelity does a fantastic job of justifying my own sexual urges. Things like excess cleavage, or a particularly round ass, or a girl eating a sandwich all trigger the same response in my brain: “could I stick my penis in that?” Thus the question: how could I ever sleep with one person for the rest of my life? And how dare someone expect that of me?
But who’s really expecting that (besides your mother)? Your girlfriend? The girl you’re dating and sleeping with exclusively but never call your girlfriend but actually is your girlfriend? Is she wrong? You knew the drill when you got into it, knew the expectation after a certain amount of time together; one of commitment. And yet, you stayed, hung around long past the “just hooking-up” expiration date without a single conversation about your urges. Maybe you did it because it was easy pickin’s, a surefire takedown after a long, hard night of drinking. Maybe you did it because no one else presented themselves. Maybe you did it because you (gasp!) wanted it to happen. Anyway, you did it, and it's all your fault. It’s not as simple as “women want babies and men want rampant sex and we’ll forever be at odds,” but the default expectation is always going to be a relationship after a certain amount of time. Because society.
But I believe in monogamy...eventually (but please for the love of God, get laid a few times before you even consider this path). For one, and most importantly, it's easier. I know it's counterintuitive; wouldn't it be easier to follow our basest instincts and channel our inner Tiger Woods? But the way I see it, you have two choices in this life: fuck around or settle down. The former is a path of hedonistic indulgence, occasional pleasure, freedom, and, um, lonerism. If you want to make the 'evolutionary biology' argument, then we can agree that evolution may have given us a dick and some indescribable urges, but it also gave us the desire to exist in a community structure. An overpowering one, in fact, because more than getting egregiously laid for the rest of their lives, it seems most men prefer to get married like everyone else. Because society. It may seem like bullshit that men would get married simply to socialize themselves. And yet, here you are, wearing pants. You refrain from masturbating in public. You're not licking tabs of acid right now. You don’t fart in the library and then stand proudly with your index finger raised to the sky like you just hit a three-ball. Because society.
Virtually every decision you make on a daily basis is made under the umbrella of socialization. Your life is easier, more fun, when you can live it with other people in relative harmony. Why should marriage be any different? You met someone, you like spending time with them, they get you, maybe you love them and maybe you can’t imagine a life without them. They make eminent sense to you. You want to marry them because you know deeply, in the long run, they'll actually make things easier for you. Which is another way of saying they'll bring you fulfillment. The only favor they ask in return is “don’t bang other people.” Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
But maybe you're George Clooney. Or maybe you just don't give a shit. Or maybe you have an open relationship. That's great. I'm not that brave (if that's even the word), or that good looking. Someday, some little filly is going to tame this wild stallion. And it scares me, because I really enjoy semi-anonymous sex and freedom. But it's also OK, I think. Someday, there will be a fork in the road, and I'll need to choose my path. I can't have both. If I could, neither would be as sweet.
In the meantime, that last sentence got every babe who's reading this right now SO wet. Twitter handle below, ladies. And yes, I’m “loose” on Snapchat.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and poetry from the heart for those wet ladies. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.
[Cheating bro image via ShutterStock]