Life
by J. Camm on November 20, 2012

Q: I started hitting on this girl who I knew was digging it, so one thing led to another and we were just casual fuck buddies in college. I recently found out that last year this chick, who is pretty down to earth and cool, blew two of my best friends who were roommates at the time. Oh and the best part, it was one after another in the same night. Can I let this go and just keep fucking this girl for shits (I don’t ever plan on making it more than that), or do I dump 'er because no one likes sluts? Help a bro out?

A: Assuming she’s brushed her teeth and taken a few shits in the last year, your friends’ DNA should no longer be a part of her. So what’s the problem here? You don’t want to have a fuck buddy that is kind of a slut? Isn’t that what a fuck buddy is? A girl willing to live in total, commitment-free, sin. A good wholesome girl that's also your booty call seems like kind of an enigma. If you think that's what you've got, then I've got some news for you: she probably wants to be your girlfriend and this is her way of wearing you down.

So no, you shouldn’t ditch her for something she did a year ago especially if you want nothing more to do with her than doing her. Yeah, they were your friends' dicks, but she’s not your girlfriend and it was only two measly cocks. Get over it. When you finally meet your next girlfriend, I hope you think about the time you read this sentence where I mention all the guys’ dicks she probably will have sucked and fucked before yours.

Q: I was really drunk this past weekend and banged a real stinker at a party. It was dark there and in her room but this girl is bad and my friends are shitting on me hard. This girl definitely wins the trophy for the ugliest girl I've ever hooked up with by a long shot. Is it alright to be excused on this poor choice of drunken judgment just this once? Or should I not be forgiven and live through the verbal reaming I'm receiving right now…i.e. pulling up photos of her on Facebook every 5 minutes and showing me.

A: Your friends could give you amnesty and not rip you about how you fucked raw sewage last weekend, but would you really learn your lesson from them ignoring it? If they said, “Good job, Bro, a wet dick is a wet dick,” wouldn’t they only be enabling you to do it again? I think they would.

This way, they’re searing your wrongdoing into your head through the thoughtfulness of humiliation. It’s a sound method, and usually effective (some guys live by the wet dick mantra no matter what the world says). And only real friends would go to trouble to help you like this. It’s tough love, but it’s necessary. Like that time I went to the hospital from drinking in college, they didn’t have to shove a catheter in my drunk dick, but if they didn’t then, well, I’d never know the gut-wrenching joy of pulling it out sober. (Side Note: If there is a hell, I bet that's how they wake up you up every morning; alarm rings, some muscle-covered guy with lawn-mower-starting technique comes into your fire cave and rips a catheter right out of your dick. Seems fitting.)

Q: Hey Bro, I figured you of all people might know the answer to this question. I'm a girl, freshman in college, and when I go home for Thanksgiving I'll be going to my dad's brother (my uncle's) house. His wife, who is only related to me by marriage, is having her whole side of the family over, which includes her hot nephew who is a year younger than me. Because we're only sort of (not really) related by marriage, is it acceptable for me to get with him or are we too closely “related” for that to be acceptable?

A: Look, you kids will probably figure this out and do the right thing (which, of course, is not fucking one another). But, if by some chance, you choose otherwise and your aunt walks in and sees her niece fucking her nephew on the family coat pile in her bedroom (never enough closet space for all those coats!), please, PLEASE let us know.

Q: One of my good friends (we'll call him Jim) has been dating a girl (we'll call her Denise) for about two years. Denise is in a nearby graduate school and shares an apartment with a woman, but decides to sleep in our four-person apartment that I share with Jim and two other guys 3-5 times per week (we're juniors at another college). They're one of those annoying, never leave each other couples, do PDAs constantly, shower together and eat our food without proper compensation, as well as annoy the shit out of us on a daily basis. How do I break it to Jim that Denise is not welcome in our apartment 5 times a week when she has her own apartment where they could do their own thing?

A: Take a step back, re-read your question and analyze the situation at hand. Can you now see whose fault this is? It isn’t Denise’s fault, it’s that fucker Jim. He is the one driving them to constantly be at your house because A) Denise’s roommate is probably the lame, bearded muff, artsy-type that recreationally cuts herself when she needs attention and B) you guys are his best friends, he’s still only a junior in college and lezzing-out at his girl’s apartment with her and Lilith Fair would be AWFUL.

Give him shit for things that bother you (the food, coed showering, her breath), but don’t give him shit for wanting to be around. Once you force him to never be around, he may never want to come back.

Q: My 18th birthday is coming up soon and (in addition to the cigars, lottery tickets and bong I'll be buying for myself) I 'm looking for some quality items I can ask my parents for. I'm looking for things that aren't too expensive because I already know I'm getting a new snowboard. Thanks in advance.

A: Nickelback's greatest hits… I honestly don't know, try asking for things you fucking like, maybe? Cash? Yeah, cash is always good. That way you can pay to stuff that shiny new bong of yours. 

Q:  If you won the lottery, would you keep it a secret or be extremely flashy about it? And why?    

A: The rush of winning that kind of money must be so intense. I can't believe no one has ever ripped their fucking face off from all the excitement and the “MY DICK SiZE IS NOW IRRELEVANT” ballyhoo.

Personally, I'd find it hard to keep a secret of that magnitude. Especially since I'd be stupid rich and public knowledge of that wealth would mean tons-O-pussy. The “O” is because it would literally orbit me.

But we live in a world full of lecherous fucks, so you kind of have to stay anonymous, right?

However, even if I do collect my prize in secret, and forgo my comically large check ceremony, people will eventually find out regardless of my anonymity. And that's when every relationship I have will change (Even my relationship with porn. I'm richer than shit, you can find me on Brazzers while rest of you fortuneless fucks are throwing strokes to shit I probably whacked off to months ago. Fuckin' thrift shop strokes.). Suddenly I'm the guy everyone calls when they have a harebrained start-up idea. Friends — not all, but some– will be expecting my charity. Family members I've meticulously spent years trying to distance myself from would be knocking at my door, telling me “it's such a sin that we've fell out of touch.” No, it's not a sin; a sin is how I'm going to spend the rest of my life, what you've just described is goddamn miracle.

Final Answer: You might as well just announce it publicly, get your silly check, and say something profoundly dumb at the podium because it's not the psychopath that sees you on the news you have to worry about it's the sons if bitches that already have your phone number.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here