Life
by Jordan Ulman on October 19, 2012

Do you have problems starting up a conversation when you see a bangable babe? Well then get a dog, and she’ll introduce herself so you don’t have to. It is the twenty-first century after all. Not only does a dog break the ice, but it gives you plenty of ammunition to strike up a real conversation. What’s the puppy’s name? How is old he/she? The best question, by my reckoning, is what breed the dog is. Anyone can adopt a golden retriever, and they’ll definitely do the job you need them to when they’re young. The real genius lies in getting a breed that most people won’t recognize, so the chick (or chicks, since this works all the time) is genuinely curious what kind of dog that is you’ve got on your leash.

You do also want to make sure you get a dog that passes the cuteness test. You might like your bulldog, but come on, it’s an ugly dog, and women don’t come up and talk to guys with ugly dogs. I don’t know about the whole, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” thing here. I’m not Freud, I’m not familiar with advanced puppy philosophy, so I can’t tell you if women generally go for that, but they do if the dog is a good looking one, or just something exotic they haven’t seen before. Other breeds you probably want to avoid, are dogs (fairly or not) known for having temperament problems. So this includes pitbulls, rottweilers, etc. I know, it’s real bro-ish to have a big bad rotty, but those big bad rottys will scare away most of the young pretty women. Personally? I went for an Australian Cattle Dog (ACD). He’s got a blue-ish grey coat with black and tan markings, and I can’t take him outside without someone stopping me and asking about him. Though, sometimes the person stopping me isn’t the type I’m trying to get it in with. We’ll call that an occupational hazard (although owning him isn't an occupation, but still).

A bonus of having an ACD though, is how smart they are. A dog that can do tricks will have a chick taking her pants off for you while you’re all still at the park admiring how awesome you and your little friend are. No need to fear though, this breed isn’t one of those toy breeds that never gets bigger than your foot, though women do love those. These dogs are no slouches either. The breed is a herding dog, meaning it’s extremely athletic and fearless to boot. Not to mention the loyalty factor; this breed will literally be your shadow and follow your every move.

A word of caution, though (not only for this specific breed, but for getting a puppy or any dog in general), the ACD is known for being particularly difficult to handle, so keep that in mind if you're interested in one. It does take actual work to keep a living animal around your place. Getting a dog isn’t like buying those fresh Jordans you can put in the closet when you’re not out spitting your game. This brings me to what I call; the puppy to pussy ratio.

The puppy:pussy ratio is a calculus driven linear equation that… what the hell am I talking about? It’s really not that complicated. More like, it goes something like this… raising a puppy takes work, but so does getting laid. If you disagreed, you wouldn’t be reading this article. Why would someone who gets laid whenever they feel like it be reading an article about gimmicks that will get you there, right? Right. The ratio is about whether or not the benefits outweigh the costs. So to start, let me make clear that this isn’t a foolproof plan that works one hundred percent of the time. You can’t just walk up to a woman with your puppy in tow and ask if she’d like to have sex in the shower after you’ve already done it in the bed. Having a puppy is a good plan, but it’s not magic. If that’s what you expect, then stop reading now.

Dogs cause problems, they bite you and your clothes and they piss all over the floor. Obviously, those things aren’t conducive to getting laid. If you walk up to a potential conquest with a shirt full of holes, smelling like piss, you won’t get very far. Not to mention, that if you do get far, the puppy might get in the way of your extracurricular activities with the chick. Try doing it doggy-style with a dog on the bed, I dare you. Heck, my dog follows me into the shower sometimes, so it even makes that after-sex sex difficult to maneuver. Plus, with a dog at home, you can’t exactly sleep over at the chicks place and casually make your way back home at noon the next day. Although if things seem to be going sour on a date, and you mention that you’ve got to get home to feed/let your puppy outside, it could salvage things for you.

Really though, it’s not like getting laid without a puppy is a walk in the park (see what I did there?) but each individual person has to decide what their limit is. The way I see it, is I’ve got a living, breathing aphrodisiac who is also great company when it’s just the two of us, bro-ing out, watching football, and doing touchdown dances. Yup, my dog is trained to celebrate when I say, “TOUCHDOWN!” He’s also trained to get me beer out of the mini fridge, so I don’t have to get up for it. For that command, I say, “king me.” Why? I don’t know, but I thought it was funny when I taught him. All those things considered, my puppy:pussy ratio was in the green, or pink I guess, meaning it was a good idea to go for it; though it won’t be that way for everyone. If you think you may be in the same boat as me, and that you can handle the time and effort it’ll take to properly care for a dog, then I say go for it. You won’t regret having such a great little Bro around, especially since they’re the ultimate wingman.