Let’s be serious. None of us are getting laid with frequency we want. If it were entirely up to me I’d have sex between every daily activity. After concluding a PowerPoint; before pouring a drink. The opportunities are endless.
But that’s a tangent. What I’d like to talk about is what happens when you aren’t doing it (IT!) on the regular. What I want to talk about is the slump.
Happened to me recently, where the only thing I was fucking was… well, nothing. Because that’s how slumps work. No female sees your penis for a while, then no female wants to see your penis, then it starts to atrophy from lack of use (that can happen) (maybe). So yeah, slumps are fucking awful. Thankfully mine ended at five weeks, and I feel MUCH better about myself. But here’s how you can get through one without dying from lack of vaginal contact (also possible) (probably).
Don’t Get Desperate: Desperation is the worst cologne you can wear, like slathering yourself in spoiled chicken fat mixed with Absolut Razzamattaz. Yes. Being desperate stinks. And it can manifest itself in all sorts of fashions, all of which are unappealing. Begging someone to go home with you at the bar, aggressively texting all your contacts at 1am, unbuttoning your pants during a make out. Unless you’re talking to some sort of sympathetic Christian sex worker, females will not take pity on your whimpering carcass. And while we are at it:
Buck The Fuck Up: Aww, poor you. You haven’t had sex in 36 days? Someone buy this bro a hooker. Please. As much as this sucks, it doesn’t make your life awful. Remember what you were doing before you stopped having sex? Having sex. And it was fantastic. Look what happened to Barack Obama last week. He had the worst seven day stretch of his presidency. You think he laid in bed whining to Michelle? “Wahhhh... being president is so hard.” No, he was like “I’m the fucking boss” and then bent her over a house plant because anyone who reaches that level of power is bound to be a sexual deviant.
What are we talking about? Confidence. Right. Keep it high. You are going to fuck again. It’s like... statistically probable.
Ease Up On The Jack: Not drinking. No, keep drinking. You aren’t having sex, what else is there to do all night? I want you to masturbate less. You are aware every woman has an internal Geiger Counter that tells her how many times the guy she’s talking to jacked off. And you know what? No one wants to sleep with the man who masturbated THREE times before dinner. You’re gross. I know you’re all like "but I need mah release," but it will snowball and all it really does is reinforce how no one will fuck you.
Reach back: You know the girl you said you’d NEVER sleep with again. Yea, say it with me now. Making promises to myself is stupid. Nothing should be off limits during a slump. Also, your life will be much easier if you stop swearing to never do anything again.
Trim Your Fingernails: This is one of those things you forget to do when you aren’t getting laid frequently. And if you are like me, and forget about your nails and all of a sudden are in your bed about to have sex, let’s just say you’ll have to approach second base with a hesitancy that a woman won’t initially understand. Because, well… you’ll figure it. So ALWAYS keep those nails short. And trim your pubes I guess. Those can get nasty.
[Slump image via ShutterStock]