Move over Miley Cyrus, there's a new twerk queen in town and she's one classy motherfucker. For those of you who have no idea who this is (don't feel bad, I didn't either when I first watched this), the woman's name is Michelle L'amour and she's a burlesque performer (as if that needed to be said) who's been on not only America's Got Talent doing a striptease, but Showtime's Sexual Healing.
Honestly, I didn't make it through the entire video because I'm not much of a classical music fan, and I can only take soo much ass jiggling in one day, but I'd rather spend the rest of my life watching this than the millions of other twerk videos out there. Why? Because no one's good at it, and the people who are good at it don't mix it up. It's the same Juicy J song over and over and then the same 500 Youtube comments underneath talking about Miley Cyrus regardless of whether or not she was in the damn thing. Hell, her name's in the first line of this fucking story.
But if twerking is going to last as a fad (which is an oxymoron in itself), the true fans, if they even exist, need to take a page out of Ms. L'amour's book, i.e. doing something besides standing up against a wall with your face down ass up and awkwardly writing around like an inverted dead fish.
Look at everything else that was supposed to be big and then died out: Beanie Babies, Digimon, those stupid fucking digital Tamagotchi that you just shook around to feed and then all it did was beep at you, the Macarena…when was the last time anyone did the Macarena? Speaking of which, anyone else notice how rapey the lyrics are? The song isn’t even upbeat and doesn’t attempt at all to be cheerful or fun, making it 100-times creepier than whatever Robin Thicke can come up with. The whole fad of line dancing is just unpleasant to think about, really. It’s literally a giant group of people in their own personal space bubbles moving in unison. I’m like 90% sure right now line dancing was a way the Nazi party controlled Germany, since once you start you can’t stop and then you’re stuck doing the Electric / Cha Cha Slide for at least half of your night.
But alas, we are stuck with twerking now, something that’ll last for maybe a couple more months at max, or until something more interesting comes along. And by “interesting”, I mean the bare minimum. As in there’s going to be something dumb like a wild beaver doing somersaults in a nightclub and then the next big thing will be rolling around like a five year old that just got enrolled in a gymnastics class all over club floors. For now, let's make a collective effort and aim for something where people twerk on top of people planking. No one cares about planking anymore, let's revive it with someone laying on top of a telephone booth while someone else stands on them shakin' it. Oh, and for more variety let's have a guy do the twerking and the girl do the planking. Whoever pulls that off just went viral, so you're welcome and I'll be contacting you in the future about taking at least half the credit for idea conception.