This first one includes a certificate of authenticity. Which is a nice touch.
HebrewHammer’s Graduation took place in May 2012. That Saturday morning when I awoke the day went something like this.
Tsmith and myself wake up roughly around the same time. Both of us are hammered from the night before. We start chanting for everyone else to wake up.
HebrewHammer wakes up and starts to get ready for his graduation because his parents are on the way.
Everyone is finally up. Me and Tsmith walk over to Publix and get two 12 packs. We walk back and both attempt to complete the Tsmith 12 beer funnel challenge. The challenge is simply who can funnel their 12 packs the fastest.
Thirty minutes later Tsmith and me both realize we are already drunk after funneling 8 beers. We decide we are adequately drunk enough to go to HebrewHammer’s graduation.
We finally find a parking spot and meet up with our buddy, TheGreek, outside the Coleman Coliseum (Alabama’s basketball arena). I discuss my plan to be obnoxious when they announce HebrewHammer’s name and make sure all family and children around us are petrified when HebrewHammer walks.
I show Tsmith the mini’s I brought with me. He praises me for my thoughtfulness. We are chugging them as we find our seats. They announced HebrewHammer’s name and it was like something out of a horror film.
THEGREEK: “YEAH HEBREWHAMMER LEZZZZ GOOOOOOOOO”
MYSELF: “THAT’S MY F*CKING ROOMMATE!!!!!!”
After this we get a bunch of stares from the surrounding families and a couple of laughs from surrounding college students. I couldn’t see any of them because I was already hammered at this point. F*ck em.
TheGreek makes the clever point to make our getaway before we get in trouble from one of the University Police. Little did I know this was a foreshadowing of the night to come.
Following HebrewHammer’s graduation we decided to head to HebrewHammer’s girlfriends graduation party. When we arrive Tsmith decided he was going to Parallel Park in front of the entire party outside with his lifted F-150 and aftermarket tires. As he attempting this Tsmith has a beer in one hand and a cigarette in his mouth … like a f*cking pro. Everyone starts to gasp as he attempts this. I begin to lose my sh*t I am hammered and giggling as everyone starts to scream. I couldn’t help myself but laugh.
Once Tsmith parks we head out and continue to head into the party. I head directly for the beer. Begin chugging as much as possible and then simultaneously start shoving my face full of chicken wings like Rudy Eugene shoving his mouth with Ronald Poppo's face.
The “party” wasn’t much of a party there weren’t any typical graduation party things for guys like… strippers, cocaine, cigars, etc. you know what is typically expected. But f*ck it I was drinking for free and didn’t really give a sh*t. I was enjoying the flowing beer and food.
HebrewHammer’s girlfriend, will call her NOVA, had a friend from home that was here for her graduation. She went to West Virginia, according to HebrewHammer it is the slut school for his high school. HebrewHammer is from Allentown, PA and knows more about WVU then me so I’ll take his word for it.
NOVA’s friend, “OutOfTowner” is decent looking. Good face, big tits, and just a little overweight but after I was about 25-30 drinks in she might have well been Adrianna Lima. I don’t remember how our first conversation went but I began to spit game toward the end of the night as all of the families were leaving and we began to play flip cup.
I can tell that she likes my game. I was my perfect drunk, wasn’t sloppy but I was feeling very toasty. I continued to drop amazing lines like “I’m way TFTC” and “McKoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!” (Look up West Coast Report: Fraternity Rush on Youtube. Thank you Jimmy Tatro).
We begin to walk to the bar around I believe to be 11PM. I lost track of time because my phone died. As we were walking past Bryant-Denny Stadium OutOfTowner whispers “Let’s Sneak into the stadium.”
Now in my drunken state I think this is the greatest idea ever. However, I realized that this would not be the case.
After crawling under and hopping 10ft fences we finally figured out how to get out on the field. We progressed our way over to the 50-yard line where we finally start making out and doing the usual foreplay.
At first she tells me she didn’t want to have sex. OutofTowner doesn’t want to just be some booty call and just hook up with some guy on this random night. But some careful maneuvers and a little bit of time finally paid off and I eventually got it in.
After finishing up we were both laying on the ground in exhaustion when I see two flashlights walking down to the field. F*CK! I tell her that we’re f*cked. She immediately gets up and starts to run away holding her skirt and her underwear down by her ankles. I knew the jig was up and wasn’t even going to try and run away. I had my suit pants completely off and my underwear and everything. I just laughed to myself saying “oh sh*t I am about to get arrested for lude behavior this is awesome.”
When they finally come up the first thing OutofTowner says is “We weren’t having sex!!” There were two officers one female and one male. The male officer immediately responded “why are your pants down by your ankles then.” She quickly shut up and they led us out to their cop car. They asked us some basic questions. I told them that OutofTowner was my girlfriend here visiting and we just wanted to have some fun in hopes of getting out of trouble by using a pity tactic. I am quick on my feet and able to make good lies.
Long story short we both didn’t even end up going to jail HAHAHAH!!!! She is BANNED from Tuscaloosa for 3 years and I got a Student Non-Academic Misconduct, which is nothing. I was literally giggling the entire walk back to NOVA’s house (where OutofTowner was staying). When we walked in my two buddies Alejandro and TheGreek were there with some of NOVA’s roommates. We walked in and OutofTowner ran upstairs. I immediately walked in raised my arms in glory and began to make pancakes in my drunken dementia.
When I met with the Judicial Affairs office, the person I met with was an old member of my fraternity and let me off the hook for the majority of it. He couldn’t do all of it because he didn’t want to loose his job, which I understand.
The story is now infamous among my group of friends and I will forever be remembered as the guy who banged a rando on the 50 yard line of the most famous football stadium of my college generation. Lets see who played on that field… Trent Richardson, Mark Ingram, Julio Jones, Terrance Cody, Tim Tebow, Cam Newton and many, many more in my short 3 years at school here.
Oh yeah and for all the f*ck heads that don’t believe, here is the citation. Names and other info has been redacted.
For the rest of this week's stories click below.
My bros and I grabbed a case to pregame/watch LeBron choke in Game 7 of the East Finals (obviously didn't happen but we were taking bets nonetheless). We split a case and a 6-er between 4 dudes during the game so afterwards we were sufficiently sauced and ready to head to the bars in search of tail. We hit up one of our favorite spots to meet our buddy who was with his girlfriend and her friend. They had just come from a graduation dinner with the chick's family and were completely bombed off parentally-sponsored martinis, but I digress. The friend (let's call her Ashley) and I had been on the verge of hooking up the last time we hung out, but she cut it off because she had a boyfriend (BS, I know). This girl was a bombshell, 5'9″, small waist, dark hair, tan and STACKED, spank bank material to say the least. Naturally, I was thrilled (fully torqued) when I saw that not only was she a lonely third wheel, but nicely lubricated with alcohol as well.
Being the Bro that I am, I played it cool and didn't drool all over her the moment we got there. This chick was gonna have to show me something after how she punked me out last time so I picked my spots and mingled around the bar for a while. After ripping some shots with the boys, cheering America, denigrating the Heat highlights that we're playing on TV, and talking to random skanks, I decided it was high time to see what was up with Ashley. I looked over across the bar and she is biting her lower lip staring at me with the biggest case of “f*ck me” eyes I have seen to date. I walked over to her and grabbed her by the hand to go upstairs to the smaller bar/dance floor area upstairs. After one drink and about four and a half minutes of dirty make-out grinding (not trying to be that guy but it happened), we basically sprinted to a cab to go to her place (this is all without saying a word to one another btw). The hooking up continued in the cab and because I told the driver to kindly “f*ck off” after he told us to stop the backseat dry hump sesh, we walked the remaining blocks to her apartment. We get to her place and no joke, this girl gets butt naked the moment we entered her apartment, like straight up in the living room. As I said earlier, this girl was smokin so the multiple erection-killing whiskey sours I downed at the bar were quickly negated and all the blood in my lower extremities rushed to my dick.
Ashley starts going to town, blowing me like it was going out of style. Mind you all lights in the apartment are on and I'm in a butt-naked power stance in the living room just triumphant, soaking it all in, when suddenly my buddy and his girlfriend (her roommate) burst in the door and start screaming/laughing their heads off at the scene they just walked in on. I was too hammered to be embarrassed and too horny at this point to be denied busting a load on this girl's glorious sweater dogs. I grabbed her by the hand, led her into the bathroom, and immediately lifted her up on the sink and started going to pound town. Due to our excessive intoxication, not only did we knock damn near everything off the sink counter, but we we're both moaning like wildebeest at full volume (f*ck it we already got caught once right?). When I felt I couldn't hold back the chowder much longer, I bent her over the toilet like a true scumbag and busted on all over her ass and back. She showered and I went and passed out in her room. I awoke at 7:30 to her stupid f*ckin ringtone (probably Nicki Minaj or some sh*t I can't remember). It was her boyfriend… He was on the way over to pick her up for her 9:00 am graduation. I couldn't help but laugh when she ended the conversation with “K, love you.” I grabbed my sh*t, went to the bathroom and pissed all over the toothbrushes that had fallen in the toilet in last night's melee, and PTFO'ed without so much as a “See ya”. After getting to my car, which I left at my buddy's house, I went straight to McDonald's in an attempt to suffocate my hangover with mcgriddles and such. I'm waiting for the disgruntled Mexican employee to hand me my food in the drive-thru lane, when who the f*ck do I see in the rear-view but hungover-as-f*ck Ashley in the passenger seat of her boyfriend's car directly behind me. I must say, I think dude knew someone ravaged his lady last night because he looked f*cking PISSED. Best breakfast I've ever had.
I'll keep this one short and sweet, it’s a story of revenge. A while back I'm banging this chick regularly and my best friend is doing the same with her roommate. Sh*t goes sour with couple #2. She accuses him of getting her pregnant (she wasn't) and basically tries to f*ck with my best friend’s head and his life. One weekend, opportunity presents itself. The sex with my girl almost always happened at my place. This weekend we went to hers. We get going at it and an idea for revenge hits me. I suggest we move over to her roomies bed. We do. After going at it for a while I'm ready to blow. She wants it inside her but I had better plans for my spunk. Pulled out and launched a 9 roper all over her roommates bed/pillows/stuffed animals. And I mean all over. Neither of us told her roommate about it till almost 2 months later and she never washed the sheets. She slept in my potential children for 8 weeks. Can't imagine how hot and crusty that got. The lesson here is don't f*ck with someone's best friend. You will get what's cumming to you. Pun definitely intended.
On a related note, the Hot and Crusty in NYC makes some delicious egg sandwiches.
I was a freshman in college and went in blind for a roommate. We were just getting to know each other so we weren't sure about each other's personalities yet. I had just got my braces off and went to a group meeting for a class, absolutely shit-faced. This chick in my group offers me some painkillers, and I go back to her place to hang out and get smashed some more. We talked for a while as I drank all her alcohol, and took her back to my dorm to continue drinking. We hang out with my new roommate for a while and start to hook up on my bed. Because I'm a considerate Bro, I decided that we should go back to her dorm. So we did and we hooked up all night. She was a freak, had a vibrator hid under her pillow (which we used, but she said the sex was better than that so we f*cked instead).
The next morning I woke up at 9 am-ish, late for my first class so I skipped it. She was asleep as I saw the mistake I had made. I just got so messed up on alcohol and painkillers that I hooked up with a yeti. An absolute hog of a woman.
I quietly snuck out and did the walk of shame back to my dorm. I opened the door, and my roommate looks back at me obviously knowing what had happened. All he did was grin like a dick, say “you're a monster” and laugh. Going out to visit friends at a different college later that evening, we passed a giant truck with a “wide load” sticker on the back. He laughed right in my face. He still makes fun of me for it and calls me a chubby chaser. He promises to tell that story as his speech in my wedding.
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