Bros came out in numbers with submissions this last week. Enough that I'll almost certainly be running a second edition of Hook Up Heroes this week. But please keep sending your stories in. You can submit them here.
This first one includes a certificate of authenticity. Which is a nice touch.
HebrewHammer’s Graduation took place in May 2012. That Saturday morning when I awoke the day went something like this.
Tsmith and myself wake up roughly around the same time. Both of us are hammered from the night before. We start chanting for everyone else to wake up.
HebrewHammer wakes up and starts to get ready for his graduation because his parents are on the way.
Everyone is finally up. Me and Tsmith walk over to Publix and get two 12 packs. We walk back and both attempt to complete the Tsmith 12 beer funnel challenge. The challenge is simply who can funnel their 12 packs the fastest.
Thirty minutes later Tsmith and me both realize we are already drunk after funneling 8 beers. We decide we are adequately drunk enough to go to HebrewHammer’s graduation.
We finally find a parking spot and meet up with our buddy, TheGreek, outside the Coleman Coliseum (Alabama’s basketball arena). I discuss my plan to be obnoxious when they announce HebrewHammer’s name and make sure all family and children around us are petrified when HebrewHammer walks.
I show Tsmith the mini’s I brought with me. He praises me for my thoughtfulness. We are chugging them as we find our seats. They announced HebrewHammer’s name and it was like something out of a horror film.
THEGREEK: “YEAH HEBREWHAMMER LEZZZZ GOOOOOOOOO”
MYSELF: “THAT’S MY F*CKING ROOMMATE!!!!!!”
After this we get a bunch of stares from the surrounding families and a couple of laughs from surrounding college students. I couldn’t see any of them because I was already hammered at this point. F*ck em.
TheGreek makes the clever point to make our getaway before we get in trouble from one of the University Police. Little did I know this was a foreshadowing of the night to come.
Following HebrewHammer’s graduation we decided to head to HebrewHammer’s girlfriends graduation party. When we arrive Tsmith decided he was going to Parallel Park in front of the entire party outside with his lifted F-150 and aftermarket tires. As he attempting this Tsmith has a beer in one hand and a cigarette in his mouth … like a f*cking pro. Everyone starts to gasp as he attempts this. I begin to lose my sh*t I am hammered and giggling as everyone starts to scream. I couldn’t help myself but laugh.
Once Tsmith parks we head out and continue to head into the party. I head directly for the beer. Begin chugging as much as possible and then simultaneously start shoving my face full of chicken wings like Rudy Eugene shoving his mouth with Ronald Poppo's face.
The “party” wasn’t much of a party there weren’t any typical graduation party things for guys like… strippers, cocaine, cigars, etc. you know what is typically expected. But f*ck it I was drinking for free and didn’t really give a sh*t. I was enjoying the flowing beer and food.
HebrewHammer’s girlfriend, will call her NOVA, had a friend from home that was here for her graduation. She went to West Virginia, according to HebrewHammer it is the slut school for his high school. HebrewHammer is from Allentown, PA and knows more about WVU then me so I’ll take his word for it.
NOVA’s friend, “OutOfTowner” is decent looking. Good face, big tits, and just a little overweight but after I was about 25-30 drinks in she might have well been Adrianna Lima. I don’t remember how our first conversation went but I began to spit game toward the end of the night as all of the families were leaving and we began to play flip cup.
I can tell that she likes my game. I was my perfect drunk, wasn’t sloppy but I was feeling very toasty. I continued to drop amazing lines like “I’m way TFTC” and “McKoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!” (Look up West Coast Report: Fraternity Rush on Youtube. Thank you Jimmy Tatro).
We begin to walk to the bar around I believe to be 11PM. I lost track of time because my phone died. As we were walking past Bryant-Denny Stadium OutOfTowner whispers “Let’s Sneak into the stadium.”
Now in my drunken state I think this is the greatest idea ever. However, I realized that this would not be the case.
After crawling under and hopping 10ft fences we finally figured out how to get out on the field. We progressed our way over to the 50-yard line where we finally start making out and doing the usual foreplay.
At first she tells me she didn’t want to have sex. OutofTowner doesn’t want to just be some booty call and just hook up with some guy on this random night. But some careful maneuvers and a little bit of time finally paid off and I eventually got it in.
After finishing up we were both laying on the ground in exhaustion when I see two flashlights walking down to the field. F*CK! I tell her that we’re f*cked. She immediately gets up and starts to run away holding her skirt and her underwear down by her ankles. I knew the jig was up and wasn’t even going to try and run away. I had my suit pants completely off and my underwear and everything. I just laughed to myself saying “oh sh*t I am about to get arrested for lude behavior this is awesome.”
When they finally come up the first thing OutofTowner says is “We weren’t having sex!!” There were two officers one female and one male. The male officer immediately responded “why are your pants down by your ankles then.” She quickly shut up and they led us out to their cop car. They asked us some basic questions. I told them that OutofTowner was my girlfriend here visiting and we just wanted to have some fun in hopes of getting out of trouble by using a pity tactic. I am quick on my feet and able to make good lies.
Long story short we both didn’t even end up going to jail HAHAHAH!!!! She is BANNED from Tuscaloosa for 3 years and I got a Student Non-Academic Misconduct, which is nothing. I was literally giggling the entire walk back to NOVA’s house (where OutofTowner was staying). When we walked in my two buddies Alejandro and TheGreek were there with some of NOVA’s roommates. We walked in and OutofTowner ran upstairs. I immediately walked in raised my arms in glory and began to make pancakes in my drunken dementia.
When I met with the Judicial Affairs office, the person I met with was an old member of my fraternity and let me off the hook for the majority of it. He couldn’t do all of it because he didn’t want to loose his job, which I understand.
The story is now infamous among my group of friends and I will forever be remembered as the guy who banged a rando on the 50 yard line of the most famous football stadium of my college generation. Lets see who played on that field… Trent Richardson, Mark Ingram, Julio Jones, Terrance Cody, Tim Tebow, Cam Newton and many, many more in my short 3 years at school here.
Oh yeah and for all the f*ck heads that don’t believe, here is the citation. Names and other info has been redacted.
For the rest of this week's stories click below.