Actually we just emailed each other during our lunch breaks. The last time I was in a storm cellar was for far more traumatizing reasons.
1. “I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”
Translation: “Make yourself comfortable, it’s gonna be awhile.”
Our advice: When she suddenly can’t decide on what shoes to wear, or shockingly misplaces her phone, you shouldn’t be tapping your foot and sweating like Shaq while worrying that you’re going to miss your dinner reservation. We learned long ago that the best thing to do is to tell her something is an hour earlier than it actually is. If you do end up having to wait, we recommend bringing along a Game Boy Classic to pass the time. While she’s complaining that she started her period and needs to change again, you’ll be playing a much more exciting Red Version of a game that won’t inevitably let you down.
2. “Which one of my friends would you hook up with?”
Translation: “Which one of my friends do you never want to see again?”
Our advice: Nobody, girl or guy, wants to hear that they’re a silver (or bronze) medalist to one of their friends. To their credit, not many women will flat out tell their man she wants his boy’s Dodge parked in her garage, if you know what I mean. This is where it’s key not to go with the impulse answer of “Sarah, its Sarah! I want to do horrifying things to your co worker SARAH.” Sidestep this question like Neo and flip the script on her with, “Which one of your friends would YOU hook up with?” That way you can have the threesome conversation again, and she’ll think you’re just a regular scumbag instead of a bro who would bang out one of her so called “friends.”
3. “I think I’m going to try this new diet I read about.”
Translation: “Tell me I’m skinny, now.”
Our advice: Here’s what happened. Her girlfriend came in from out of town this weekend and they drank too much wine and had too many appys with dinner, and now she feels fat. She’s doesn't want to do anything about it because The Bachelor is on tonight AND tomorrow (it’s a two-part finale), so she needs some good ‘ole fashion male validation. Our wisdom is this—lay low, you’re behind enemy lines. Simply tell her she doesn’t need to go on a diet. If you’re feeling ballsy, tell her you’ve heard good things about the diet she chose in particular. This may result in her shoving an umbrella up your ass and opening it, so beware.
4. “I miss my sorority sisters.”
Translation: “So many guys railed me I was called the frat piñata. You’ll never know how many.”
Our advice: Not every girl who was in a sorority took the one way ticket to Pound Town every night. Some of the most well adjusted women are the ones who did it in college, graduated, and were done with it. However, if you’re blessed to be in the presence of the 25+ year old woman who still does nothing but reminisce about how perfect life was in the Kappa Kappa Gamma house, the chances are high she’s not looking back fondly on the chapter meetings and house dinners. Nope, she’s remembering the nights she scored a hat trick with three Pike bros who may or may not have captured some of it on their laptop computer. But rest easy, you won’t find out about any of this until you’re surrounded by her “sisters” at one of the dozen weddings you’ll be dragged to this summer.
5. “My mom and I are best friends.”
Translation: “I’m a complete mess.”
Our advice: Our buddy The Lieutenant dated a girl who claimed her mom was her bestie. They dressed alike, looked alike, and regularly referred to each other as “bitch” and “slut,” as best girlfriends do. Surprise surprise, she was also a fucking nightmare to be around. She was high maintenance, lacked very key social skills and basically drove our buddy so far up the wall that he moved out of the state to get away from her. Listen closely when we say this: you meet a girl like this, 180 and run. Someone who has retarded so much socially that women her own age can’t stand to be around her is the biggest red flag in existence (that, and cats). You’ll have much better luck with a girl who bickers with her mom about money every once in awhile but still texts her on a semi regular basis. Or the personal favorite of all three of us: the girl who hates her father.
6. “I’m cold.”
Translation: “Fuck this place.”
Our advice: Even if you’re willing to lend her your jacket or sweatshirt, she’s done. Call it a night.
John Hickey is a Chicago based stand up comedian and writer. Follow him @johnnyjhickey and check out his website johnhickeycomedy.com.
[Woman with adult daughter image via Shutterstock]
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