For the collegiate or post collegiate male, email chains are not so much a way to keep in touch with friends as they are a way to completely drain members’ creative potential in the most useless ways possible. In that spirit, it’s only right to pay homage to the people that have prevented you from paying attention in any class you’ve ever taken:
The Kevin Spacey
Often an older member of a fraternity or a sports team, this is the guy who thinks his seniority gives him the right to verbally defecate on anyone he finds remotely bothersome. His one wish in life is to be granted commissioner of the list-serv, which would enable him to Roger Goodell the sh*t out of every single freshman on the thread.
His rants will often have a nice Ari Gold-esque seasoning to them, and will cease most topics of discussion out of sheer fear.
Mr. Post Sopranos Hangover
His ability to recount memories of irrelevant grad party hookups and debatably attractive middle school teachers is truly astounding. And unlike Mark McGwire, this guy is definitely here to talk about the past.
All and all, this is the guy who refuses to accept the fact that it’s time to move onto the next stage of his life. The Sopranos is over, and this guy needs to find a new show.
The Jose Canseco
You might have noticed that we here at BroBible are pretty big fans of Jose Canseco’s overall tendency to be extremely Jose Canseco-like. His ability to consistently go above and beyond his seemingly standardless existence is unbelievably rare in this day and age, perhaps only rivaled by the cultural ideology commonly referred to as Metta World Peace.
In every fraternity, there is someone who aspires to similar strain of critically acclaimed ignominy. His emails may appear in all caps, and his senseless ramblings will often force you to question how the f*ck this guy attends the same school as you. Yet, although his personality is decidedly unfathomable, his strange sense self-confidence is often envied by many members of the group.
The Jamal Crawford
Jamal Crawford plays like a guy who thinks he’s an all-star, but actually isn’t. Sure he’ll put up decent numbers--and at times truly monstrous games--but he’s a classic case of a guy who generally tries to bite off a sh*t ton more than he can chew.
The Jamal Crawford of your email chain will likely lead the group in emails sent, but his field goal percentage (times when his emails are actually useful and/or actually funny) is staggeringly low. Although he’s definitely not a lost cause--in fact, if he just learned to chill out and improve his shot selection he’d probably win the sixth man of the year--but he’s far and away the most frustrating of all emailers.
The Joey Jamz
Joey Jamz recently got into club promoting, which means that he’s now the thread’s self-proclaimed expert on all things “dope tracks.” He specializes in posting siiiick new mixtapes that just dropped like 30 minutes ago, and he’s the only guy in the group that uses exclamation points non-ironically. Contrary to what his misguided sense of self-awareness thinks, he’s not even close to pulling it off.
The Humblebragger is a ceaseless ocean of ambition whose doing fairly well for himself, but is by no means the group’s top dawg. However, his amazing sense of insecurity--which could be traced back to him exaggerating the attractiveness level, quantity, and depth of his high school and early collegiate conquests--mandates that he must convince everyone that he’s far and away the thread’s most important person.
The Humblebragger is in his prime when the thread is used for any sort of gathering. It is without question that he’ll reply at length about how it will be difficult to attend, and that he’ll do his best to ditch his other more important commitment. Except for that there is no other important commitment.
The “Epic” E-mail Guy
He’s definitely not the most active guy on the thread, but whatever he says has been pent up over dozens of back and forths, and then compiled into a five paragraph sojourn that clearly would be the greatest thing ever written if it actually applied to more than five people. More likely than not, he’ll spend the following 20 minutes reading over his masterpiece multiple times, basking in his unrivaled cleverness.
The Internet Peddler
Internet Peddler: Yo, my friend of a friend of my friend’s girlfriend is doing this survey for her marketing case study, and it’d be a huge help if you could take the time to fill this out. It’s like 10 minutes tops. Thanks so much guys.
Rest of Thread: F*cking trolls, man.
The Wannabe Mitch Hedberg
The legend of comedian bro Mitch Hedberg knows no bounds. Except for when some clear goon insults his comedic legend (RIP) with an extremely unfunny one-liner.
The “Sent From My iPhone” age has given us some wonderful things, but this guy is definitely not one of them.
The Ted Mosby
Despite easily being the least interesting of the group, Ted is an essential component of every email chain. Yes, you’d rather a response from a Barney or Marshall any day -- because Ted is kinda extremely overrated and why can’t the main character not suck -- but you know that if it wasn’t for his moments of “ok, what are we doing this all for,” there would be no list-serv in the first place.
Ted will usually get the ball rolling by sending a very unfunny/completely serious message about what people need to bring for the Super Bowl party, and then follow it up by confirming where the Super Bowl party is, and what time everyone should get there. He will then try and add personality into his drab monologue by making a joke about last year’s bean dip, which meets the minimum requirements of general humor.