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Bros Takes Viagra, Goes to In-N-Out Burger, Comes Back to Lesbians Brawling

By / 07.18.14

in-n-out

You. Looking at the screen. Tell me about your hookups.

So me and my bro, we will call him Marcus, and his girlfriend (who just happens to be a stripper) all head out for what is bound to be a great weekend at Lake Havasu. We are meeting up with a few of our friends who all work at the local gym. They have rented a boat for one of the girls birthdays and we have been invited to party on said boat.

We get out there not knowing what to expect when all of sudden a boat pulls up with five chicks and two bros on it, not to mention all these chicks are wasted cause we got out there a little late and they have all been drinking since noon. This is clearly a perfect set-up for an epic night. Like, what are the odds of this female to male ratio!?

So we get on this boat and within like twenty minutes I’m making out with this gorgeous brown haired girl who we will call Michelle. Michelle is all over me and we just met, clearly she knows what she wants. So we motor around on this boat for another hour or so before we have to take it back to the marina. It’s pretty clear Michelle wants to fuck me and I’m as pumped as ever to get back to the hotel and have some crazy drunk sex with this girl. Bam! Just like I thought clothes are coming off quick. Not just mine and Michelle’s but Marcus and his chick are getting naked, too. The other two dudes are passed out on the other bed and the other girls are nowhere to be found.

We quickly realize this is going to have to be a side-by-side bang with only one bed open and four people trying to fuck. Oh well, it is what it is.

So I’m fingering this girl and getting her prepped up when she starts talking about an old switcharoo. Everyone is in agreeance, only problem is I’m so fucking drunk, I’m having a really tough time getting hard. I look over at Marcus, similar fucking problem. Shitty deal. How do we salvage the situation?

Well, it’s an out of the box idea but we decide to remove ourselves from the situation, go pop some Viagra and hit up In-N-Out Burger while these chicks have some lesbian fun. We are thinking we will come back in about 40 with a good hard on and some food in our stomachs and these chicks will be all primed up. Wrong! We come back to all hell having broken loose! Marcus’s stripper girlfriend went apeshit when the other chicks came back. Her crazy drunk ass thought for sure me and him were banging these other chicks when in actuality we were just eating a nice warm cheeseburger. She socks two girls in the mouth and an all out brawl ensues. We get there, Michelle and the stripper are in jail and all are gym friends hate us. We bail out the stripper, go get ourselves a motel, and spend the rest of the weekend on the shore boat less. Ahhh, what could have been.

Yes. What could have been. I mourn for you. Now, this guy. I bet all you guys know a guy who talks like this guy.

Here is what is likely my most heroic hookup story. Two years ago I broke up with a hot but awful human being of a girlfriend of two years, and proceeded to start plowing my way through my college town of Boston. I thoroughly enjoyed recounting my tales of triumph to one of my boys from my hometown in Vermont, as did he from his escapades at UVM. We formed a FB group called Hometown Bros to post our stories/snapchats/etc in a private space.

I recently graduated from Film School and started working in LA. The following story was posted in the Hometown Bros and is truly epic. BTW- “Slice” is the HTBros slang for fuck, it’s both a noun and a verb and either morbid or the most perfect word ever. Without further bradieu:

Very disappointed with the lack of stories fallahs. Good thing I have the best one yet to get the boys fired up.

While I’m sure most of you losers haven’t seen The Graduate, I found my Mrs. Robinson. Two weeks ago I’m doing laundry shirtless and these ladies by the pool call me over and clearly flirt with me, clearly multiple glasses of wine in. One is my neighbor, total cougar.

Last Saturday I have a party. I’m chilling by the pool and she walks in with mad bags from V. Secret. I ask if they’re for her, she says yes, more flirting.

Next day she knocks on my door at like 9 am, says she was wasted last night, there’s two german guys in her place (not [my exchange brother] Felix, cuz Felix is asexual) and she can’t find her phone. I go and help her find it, and she propositions me so blatantly. It went like:

Her – “Look…I’m horny.”

Me – “I can see that.”

Her – “I think we should just…have sex.”

Me – “I think so too.”

I go and play some bball but I’m not even done shooting around before she textes me and begs me to come back. I do. She comes up, and is out of her dress in two seconds. Boys, cougar means experience. Best head. Ever. I slice the mildly developing wrinkles off this cougar. She tells me she’s 39, but if she looked like that at 70 I’d still slice. Beat that.

Slice. Slice.

And what the fuck, yo? You didn’t send in a story at the top like I asked. Do it now.

[Ken Wolter / Shutterstock.com]


TAGShookup heroes
David Covucci
About David Covucci... David Covucci is writerer-bloggerer for BroBible dot com. He loves Twitter and whiskey. He can be reached at david.covucci@brobible.com.

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