Life
by Aristotle Georgeson on June 22, 2012

I threw a wish in the well,
Don't ask me, I'll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
and now you're in my way

Where did you get a wish and why would you just throw it in a well? You should have used it like a NORMAL HUMAN. Who are you to just throw away a wish? Wow I just met you and this is crazy, but I’m already very skeptical about your decision-making.

I trade my soul for a wish,
pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn't looking for this,
but now you're in my way

The way you worded this makes it sound a lot like prostitution; you’re too pretty and young to involve yourself in these things, for such a low price. Pennies and dimes for a kiss? Have some respect for yourself. We could still do “Sex” if you wanted to though?

Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're going, baby?

Not sure what jeans you’re referring to, the last time I owned ripped jeans was NEVER.

Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

I guess I could take your number and we could just you know, mess around without any clothes or somethin’?

It's hard to look right,
at you baby,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

You’re putting the ‘PENIS’ on a pedestal right now and it is starting to get VERY unattractive; but not quite unattractive enough to not let you blow me.

Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

This day and age it’s just not that crazy. First date anal, NOW THAT’S CRAZY… You down?

And all the other boys,
try to chase me,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

Oh my. Have you told your parents about these boys chasing you? It sounds like it could certainly lead to something more serious, possibly years of therapy down the road.

You took your time with the call,
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all,
but still, you're in my way

If you are implying that I’ve called you, I haven’t. Since you did not “Officially” provide me your with your working telephone number.

I beg, and borrow and steal
At first sight and it's real
I didn't know I would feel it,
but it's in my way

What did you steal? You know that’s a really immoral thing to do. Not sure how I feel any more about reaching out to you after this conversation is done…

Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're going, baby?

I think I’m going anywhere that you are not, because you are a really weird girl.

Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

I still don't understand why you find that so crazy…? Giving someone your number is a very common practice.

It's hard to look right,
at you baby,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

I’m getting a weird “Crazy” vibe from you, because this is the fifth time you’ve offered your number and asked me to call you.

Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

This is now the 6th time you’ve asked and we’ve been talking for like a minute. You are a walking definition of the word “Insanity.”

And all the other boys,
try to chase me,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

I’m telling you, this chasing thing should not be taken lightly; seriously tell your Dad or something.

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad

Not sure how this is possible…? Please explain.

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so, so bad

This does not explain anything. You literally just said that.

It's hard to look right,
at you baby,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

Seriously stop trying to give me your number; you’re weird as sh*t.

Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

Fine, I’m just going to take your number since you’re this desperate. I'd feel terribly guilty if you went home and did something weird to your wrists.

And all the other boys,
try to chase me,
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?

Wow, at this point I hope the boys that are chasing you, catch you andhave their way with your hot body. You might have been able to prevent this aggressive behavior with a simple talk with your father and a confident NO MEANS NO.

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so so bad

Still not sure what this means. Let me explain the way the world works, you can’t miss something before it happens. You and me both know that you can’t defy the laws of physics therefore I am led to believe that you are beyond delusional.

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that

Because I’m a nice guy, I listened to your bullsh*t, but if you ever said this stuff to another dude, he would immediately run in the other direction. I sincerely hope this isn’t how you try and get guys; it’s weird, and creeped out doesn’t begin to explain the way I’m feeling right now. Coming on to a guy this strong, makes us believe that there is something horribly, horribly wrong with you. Because of this affirmation, biologically we will not want you. We are hunters and you sound like a wounded animal. No one wants to f*ck a wounded animal.

So call me, maybe?

NO Carly Rae Jepsen. I WILL NOT CALL YOU. Go Home.

Aristotle Georgeson is a Florida based comedian who loves Chipotle more than any human. Follow him on twitter @sToTle

 

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