As opening paragraphs go, this one is going to fellate the largest of c*cks. I'll gladly admit that. I have to write something up here, but I'm currently too engorged in the PGA to think straight. The color commentary of Ernie Johnson, accompanied by the audible org*sm known as Ian Baker Finch, has got me f*ckin' twisted. So here are your Bros of the Week.
4. Adam Scott
Since transitioning to the long wand, Scott's game has improved tenfold. The culmination of that switch happened last week as Scott took home the WGC Bridgestone Invitational title. More impressive, perhaps, was his ability to win while trying to drown-out the drama occurring between his megalomaniac caddie and Tiger Woods.
3. Dennis Rodman
Being a rebounding specialist, and not to mention more annoying that a poorly wiped a**hole on defense, is what vaulted Dennis Rodman into the Hall of Fame. All of the other inductees in this year's class are just as deserving of a nod, but it's impressive that Rodman basically got in on sheer grit, hustle, and thankless efforts . I believe (and I could be wrong), that he is the only player ever inducted into the HoF to amass nearly twice as many career rebounds (11,954) as points (6,683). Rodman is a peculiar seed, but he'll always be known as a savage on the boards. Fucking guy couldn't even let Bill Wennington have his moment in the sun.
2. Jani Lane
Choosing the recently deceased lead singer of Warrant might strike some as an odd choice. He sang in a band that had like one f*ckin' hit, almost three decades ago. This is true. But Warrant's hit "Cherry Pie" was then put on a compilation album -- "Monsters of Rock" -- in the late-90s giving it life yet again. And that very CD was blasting in the background as I got my first blow job. I'll never forget the look on her face when she swallowed that sweet surprise, which I assure you, tasted nothing like cherries.
1. The Fallen Heroes in Last Weekend's Chinook Transport Helicopter Crash
The loss of these men, 22 of whom were Navy Seals, is undeniably tragic. Although not all of them were in the military, everyone riding in that chopper was on the right team. The Pentagon just released the names of the deceased (which can be found here
) and our thoughts go out to their families, who are justifiably rife with grief and anger.