Before I get into all this Bro of the Week nonesense, I'd like to let you know that I've got a nice little weekend ahead of me. Taking a trip to Philly to see my Bros, do a good bit of drinking, and see where the night takes us (I'm winking at you, Delilah's). That's some choice livin', my friends. For those inquiring about assassination attempts, tonight I'll be at Mad River in Manayunk. It's a big venue and I'm rather shifty, so I hope you're handy with a shiv... What's that? I've wasted the appropriate amount of space and time up here? Great. Here are your Bros.
5. Eli Manning
I can't believe I'm about to say this but I think he might actually be an elite quarterback, you guys. Last week had to affirm that, right? He had a career season and I can't explain why that is. Maybe he was catching a chill standing in his brother's shadow all those years and finally had enough of it? Or maybe he's a just late bloomer? I mean, he certainly looks like he's got a learning disability, so that makes the most sense.
4. Yuri Wright
I am appalled. This youngster, with a fiery libido and tremendous athletic ability, got expelled from his high school all because he Tweeted (see below) that he needed to be consuming more goddamn p*ssy than he currently was. Give me a break, this kid should not suffer any consequences for his natural actions. When you, me, or anyone else was 17 we were thinking the same f*cking thing. "HOW CAN I GET MORE PUSSY?" I'd say to my mother.
3. Mark Wahlberg
Am I really doing this? AM I REALLY DOING THIS? Umm... OH, SHIT YEAH I AM! Proclaiming to the world that he could have stopped 9/11 was idiotic, insensitive, and ignorant, no one's questioning that (O.K., Nicolas Cage probably is). But what guy hasn't fantasized about the f*cking extreme chaos they'd cause if someone tried to high-jack their plane? I'm certainly not thinking about how afraid I am that my throat might get sliced with a box-cutter. I'm too f*cking busy sizing people up planning my own terrorist killing spree using only my bare hands. So don't hate on Marky Mark for being an armchair quarterback; you're not a man if you don't think (albeit in the most delusional way possible) that you could unarm and slaughter a plane full of terrorists trying to harm you.
2. Newt Gingrich
I'm not saying Newt should be our president, or that the demand for riding his dick is at a reasonable level, but when a guy looks his ugly wife in the face and says, "How's bout you let me f*ck this other, much hotter broad?" he makes a compelling argument that he might have the guts to run a country.
1. Sarah Burke
Mr. T will be paying tribute to Sarah in the Hottie Index as well, but given the circ*mstances, Sarah's Bro lifestyle, all that she did for skiing, and everyone on Facebook insistaning she win, I think it's appropriate that she win the Bro of the Week. Sorry, Marky Mark, if you were in this office you probably could have stopped me. R.I.P., Sarah.