5. Jerome Simpson & Anthony Collins
Whenever possibly, from this point forward, the number 5 spot is going to be used for outstanding bed-shits in obtaining drugs. Why the f*ck not, right? Anyway, this week's highest honor (no pun intended; no seriously, I hate puns) goes to Cincinnati Bengals Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins for being caught having over six pounds of weed in their house. But that's not all: these highly paid athletes are also suspected of running “a distribution network.” They may be idiots, but at least they realize football won't last forever. And that's prudent.
4. L.A. Firefighters
Going above the call of duty, as heroes tend to do, several Los Angeles firefighters have hurled themselves into a rather deep pile of shit this week by taking part in adult entertainment movies while on the job. Here at the Bible, we fail to see the problem with this. Is what these men were doing not the American Dream? Did my ancestors row f*cking boats to NOT pursue happiness? I'd like to think they did. So f*ck you, person behind this.
3. Tony Romo
Broken rib. Punctured lung. Unremarkable talent. Tony Romo overcame all of that last week to courageously bring the Cowboys back against the 49ers. I'm no fan of Romo, but what a performance. And thank God he is OK because my fantasy team has less going for it than a dead fetus, and if I lost him for the season I'd be even more f*cked.
2. Sam Childers
“Machine Gun Preacher” comes out this weekend and it's based on the true story of Sam Childers. A real f*cking dickhead (as he admits) who turned his life around and started saving children's lives in Africa by starting an orphanage. To protect them he literally spent the night outside with a with a Bible in one hand and an AK-47 in the other. Although critics are bashing it, AZ got to see the movie already and he loved it. But he's into mercy killings, banana clips, and other sick shit.
1. Mariano Rivera
602 saves — and the fact that AG would blow the most impressive queef you've ever heard if I failed to include him — got Rivera into the #1 spot on this week's list. So congratulations to you, Mariano, and a very merry early Christmas to you, AG.