This summer at a Blue Jays game, I drank a shitton of beer. So did my buddies, and everyone else at the Rogers Centre.
After about six tall cans, I decided it was time to break the seal. I stood in line, making mumbled small talk with other drunk dudes as I pinched my pee-hole between my thighs. When I was five people from pure penile bliss, I saw that a urinal meant for young children was available—a light shone upon its glistening porcelain.
Problem was, to use it, I would have to perch myself on top of a concrete platform and pee with my legs tensed at a 90-degree angle. Regardless, I figured it was better than pissing myself, so I went for it.
Now, was this act of urinal thievery ethical? Probably not. A child could have needed to use that urinal. But my way of thinking at the time was, they weren’t drunk. Therefore, they couldn’t be experiencing the same agony I was.
To ensure you or I aren’t faced with another similar conflict, I've produced a guide to urinal etiquette; of which I hope public washroom staff will post on their filthy tiled walls. It’s worth it. Trust me.
Opt for urinals on either end: Most public bathrooms offer a row of at least five urinals. If all are completely unoccupied, you’ve hit the motherload and have free reign. Choose whichever urinal you want—though those on opposite ends tend to offer the most privacy in case you have trouble peeing. Which can be the result of the following:
--Drinking too much can overstretch your bladder. Resulting in stalled urine.
--Drinking too much alcohol can swell your prostate, which also stalls urine.
--The most common, however, is shy bladder syndrome. Which, when peeing in a trough shoulder-to-shoulder with other men, can easily result in nervousness. (About 17 million Americans will experience some form of shy bladder during their lives. Which makes up about 7% of the population.)
Keep a buffer if possible: When one or more urinals is occupied, things get a tad more complex. If at all possible, leave a buffer between you and anyone else at a urinal. If this isn’t possible, choose to stand beside the more slender dude to maintain minimal contact. Keep your head straight, your mouth shut, and put any communications on hold until washing your hands.
If you know the person well, a quick greeting is acceptable. Any other communication with your dick in your hand may take on a whole new meaning—of which you probably aren’t intending.
Tip the bathroom attendant: Nobody on this planet enjoys the services of a bathroom attendant. We are all more than capable of washing our own hands, and now we feel forced to pay this stranger for a simple task we can do without. That being said, you kind of have to pay them—it’s likely you’ll be using the bathroom more than once that night. A dollar tip is enough to avoid any hostile run-ins with the vested gentleman throughout the remainder of your night.
Do not pee in a stall: This is especially important if a perfectly good urinal is available. I’ve been guilty of doing this a few times, specifically when the gents at the urinals appear particularly pervy. Peeing in stalls, though, will naturally lead others to believe you have something to hide.
If there are no urinals available and you can’t hold it in any longer, head into a stall. Remember to always close the stall door and pee standing up. Sitting down may lead others to believe you’re taking a dump, but, c’mon, men don’t sit down to pee. Ever. (This is a contentious subject at BroBible— editor.)
Do not peek: We’ve all had that moment where we’re all “is that dude staring at my junk?” In fact, pop singer, George Michael was arrested in 1998 for doing this exact thing… to a cop.
Now, some bathrooms provide screening between urinals (they should ALL have these, by the way). The best of the best public bathrooms even provide the sports section, or even TV’s at eye level to avoid such awkward interactions. These are the public bathrooms all others should aspire to be.
Do not make strange sounds: We all understand that peeing can provide fantastic relief, but lifting your head to stare at the ceiling saying “God. Yes” is a little dramatic and awkward. Also, although it's a bathroom, if you feel the need to fart, do so when your ass isn’t next to some other dude. Your butt trumpet can wait until the coast is clear.