This past week, I’ve been semi-committed to doing kegel exercises. Now I understand you probably don’t care, but to accurately write about the exercise, I figured I should practice as much as I could.
Kegel exercises, for those who aren’t aware, are simple pelvic exercises that strengthen the muscles both in and around your genitals. Though commonly practiced by women, men can benefit from them as well.
These exercises don’t make you any larger/girthier, but they do strengthen the pubococcygeus muscles of the pelvic floor—a collection of muscles that stretch from your anus (butt hole) to your urinary sphincter (pee hole) and support both the bladder and bowels. So, not only are they keeping us intact, but they are hugely linked to how we perform in bed.
A brief history and its benefits.
Californian gynecologist Dr. Arnold Kegel founded Kegel exercises in the late 1940s to help women control incontinence after childbirth. Additional benefits, including prolapse prevention (nasty) and alleviating pelvic pain during sex, were later discovered.
But that stuff doesn’t really matter to guys, does it? Well, here’s what might: strong pelvic muscles have been associated with stronger, more intense and frequent orgasms. For women who can squirt, kegels assist in its intensity. They also tighten her up downstairs.
For dudes, it helps us improve the strength of our erection and can sometimes aid in erectile dysfunction, (note: not whisky dick). The same can be said for premature ejaculation. Also, like with women, kegels have been associated with stronger knee-buckling orgasms as well.
How to do them.
A benefit to kegel exercises is that you can do them discretely. In fact, Sunday night, while watching football at the bar, I did them while seated, eating a chipotle chicken sandwich. No one was the wiser.
The easiest way to find your pelvic floor muscles is to stop peeing midstream. Sure, it can be agonizing—especially after a couple beers—but those muscles preventing you from peeing, are your pelvic floor muscles.
When you practice flexing these muscles, your balls will bounce and you will be temporarily amused. Or at least I was. Also, in case you were wondering, (you weren’t), these are the same muscles you use when flexing your ass to prevent yourself from farting.
The best way to do these exercises is to imagine you’re stopping your pee stream or preventing a fart. Hold for five to 10 seconds, then release. For best results, do three to four sets, 10 to 20 times a day. Think of it as your dick’s doing sit-ups.
(One video, by some dude who calls himself the Erotic Rockstar, suggested you sit on a lighter to feel your pelvic floor muscles contracting better. But this just sounded weird and particularly dangerous if you were feeling gassy.)
Another, more amusing way to do these exercises is to lift a towel with your boner. Not only is it hilarious, but you’re essentially bench-pressing with your dick—and that’s super cool.
Now if you’re asking: Why the fuck would I do these? Let me tell you why. Besides being something The Lonely Island could seriously benefit from, they’re free. You don’t need a gym membership to flex your dick. Also, they’re super easy and you can do them in nearly any position, while doing anything: lying down, sitting, standing, peeing, farting, wanking, etc., and, lastly, our dick muscles won’t hurt the next day like other muscles can.
Do they work?
Kind of. I mean I only did them for a week, so I can’t really say for sure. But I can say that once you’ve done them for a couple of days, you do feel like it’s doing some good. It’s a similar feeling to when you first start working out and feel like you’ve got muscles right away when you really don’t. And the science behind kegels make sense. So I suggest trying them out. You’ve got nothing to lose.
Ok, I’m done here. Gotta bounce—as in leave, not my balls.