As with successfully picking up women or effectively grifting children out of their allowance money, knowing your mark is the key to a successful bachelor party. By definition, the event is a day for the groom-to-be to indulge in the fattest, dankest, crunchiest bro-fest that’s catered to his precise tastes to maximize his pleasure. It’s your boy’s day and, like everything in life, etiquette for it can be boiled down to the single, Hemmingway-esque universal truth of “it’s not good to act like a dick.”
Even if your buddy’s one of those weak-willed, passive, I-want-to-do-whatever-everyone’s-good-with types who’s being strong-armed into his marriage by an abrasive bitch through blackmail and guilt, you still need to put the decision on him. Directly ask him what he wants. There are dudes who are happy just telling jokes, having a few beers, and watching a baseball game and there are others who would prefer to score some ambiguous pills and go to Phish Night at the planetarium. Your dude might just want to have a cookout and play Frisbee, or the groom-to-be might be that guy who doesn’t deem the night a success unless he’s lured some coked-out Guatemalan stripper to the backseat of his ’97 Camry so he can wiggle his stank meat tube around in her face socket. No judgments here; it takes Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.
But it’s not enough to have a plan in place; just ask Disney about The Lone Ranger, the New York Jets about their 2012 season, or Germany about either world war. In the end it comes down to being able to execute, which, for a bachelor party, is a non-direct way of saying pace yourself. You don’t want to be that sloppy, drunk mess who’s crying and hugging everyone in a fury of impassioned heterosexuality at eight-thirty. We’d all like to picture ourselves in our former glory when we could run a sub-five forty and have twenty beers every night, but, unless you’re Metta World Peace, you can’t do that anymore. Really, as long as you’re not a certifiable alcoholic, you don’t need as much vodka as you did when you’re twenty and any feeble attempt at trying to “drink like you did in the good old days” is going to result in a puke-caked sport coat and a disgusted waitress.
With any bachelor party, there is the unfortunate nature of friends colliding with family. The crew from college has likely been there at the worst times in the pre-groom’s life; whether they were bailing him out of jail, defending him from an angry boyfriend after he called the guy’s lady a thin-lipped bitch, or when they each “threw five on that abortion” for him. Regardless, they know a side that he’s probably worked hard to hide from his family, specifically the overly-religious side. Just take note of whom you’re reliving stories with. If you find yourself in a conversation with his twenty-year-old fundamentalist cousin, probably don’t talk about that Halloween when the groom’s dick fell out at Burger King the night he used a trick-or-treater’s UNICEF box to blow a line of Xanax off.
In the end, there are some events that can be delightful to ruin, like a Valentine’s Day party or an Earth Day celebration, but your dude’s bachelor party is not in that category. If you cater to what he wants to do, manage your substances, and don’t give his family reason to hate him, you’ll meet his criteria for not being a dick. Enjoy yourself and let the night get as weird as the almost-married man wants. And, if your boy wants to see cockfighting, make certain you’re specific enough with your Google search so you don’t end up at an overly-violent gay bar.
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays and some Tuesdays usually. Look for more of his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.
[Bachelor party image via ShutterStock]