Hey dumbass, how many days until Valentine’s Day? If you just felt your heart sink into your stomach then this guide may be for you. We men are inherently awful at gift giving; this is a known fact. We leave everything until the last minute, have a hard time spending money on anything that isn’t alcohol or sports related and don’t for the life of us know what she wants. Fortunately, I’ve created this guide for all you helpless procrastinators out there in hopes that maybe you won’t blow another big day.
I’ve broken both occasions down into several categories to help the few of you that are especially brain dead. The categories are there to help you classify the seriousness of your relationship because obviously you should get your fiancée something different than your lady friend who leaves in the middle of the night. I clearly don’t know your situation and therefore can’t place you in a category myself so you’re going to have to do your best to determine the status of your relationship. If you’re really stuck as to what kind of relationship you’re in you can ask yourself the following questions:
- Does she pee with the door open?
- Do you wear a ring on the third finger of your left hand?
- Have you decided whether you’re hoping for a boy or a girl?
If you answered yes to any of those questions you are likely in a serious relationship. If you answered no, try these questions:
- What’s her middle name?
- When is her birthday?
- Is she a dog person or a cat person?
If you answered “How the fuck am I supposed to know?” You are likely in an extremely casual relationship. Now that we have diagnosed the extremes I’m hoping you can decide where you lie.
Valentine’s Day
Remember when you were in 4th grade and everyone in your class gave out Scooby-Doo Valentines with heart shaped lollipops taped on and you went home at the end of the day with a bag full of candy? It was like Halloween twice a year, it was fucking awesome. I bet now you’re wishing you could trade all that candy back for an easy go-to Valentine’s Day gift, aren’t you?
Regardless of what category you’ve placed yourself in there are three things every girl wants for Valentine’s Day: flowers/chocolate, Victoria’s Secret possessions and your attention.
- Flowers/Chocolate — Pretty generic and self-explanatory; usually you can get away with getting her one or the other but if you’re clever you’ll mix them. Google Edible Arrangements and get back to me… have you ever met a girl that doesn’t like chocolate covered fruit in bouquet form? Not saying this is better than flowers or chocolate but they do come with balloons and teddy bears.
- Anything from Victoria’s Secret — This is literally the biggest win/win gift ever, no further explanation required.
- Finally what might be the hardest of the gifts you will give her: your full and undivided attention. If you’re old and in a serious relationship (aka have a real life with a full time job and live together) you probably don’t spend as much time with her as she’d like. Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday this year so you should take the opportunity to spend the whole day with her. Actually attempt to listen when she tells boring stories, make her dinner and because there will be no football you can watch what she wants on TV. If you’re young and the relationship is focused around hooking up, you don’t necessarily have to wait on her all day but show her that you do in fact care about her. Take her out in public, make it at least 80% of the way through the movie without having sex, and pretend like you care when she complains about her friends. Little things go a long way.
Author’s note: Repeat after me, regardless of how serious my relationship may or may not be, I will not be the douche who proposes on Valentine’s Day.
Her Birthday
Yes you idiot this is a holiday for her. Quite frankly you’re lucky one of us remembered. Here’s my generic tip regardless of your relationship seriousness: listen to her. Odds are she’ll be dropping subtle hints at what she wants for the few weeks leading up to her birthday. However, let’s assume you didn’t pick up on the hints and have no idea what to get her, that’s what this guide is for after all.
If you are serious, go forth and bling her out with a fancy Michael Kors watch, diamond earrings, etc. Spend some cash because when she looks good so do you.
If you don’t consider yourself too serious, do not get her jewelry. It will send the wrong impression and confuse both of you, not to mention that’s an expensive mistake. You need to find something personal and intimate without overdoing it. Things like giant teddy bears are great but if you know she has a weird obsession with hedgehogs try and find her a hedgehog stuffed animal. Show her that you know her and her interests.
If you just recently started dating but can see a potential future with this girl please for the love of god don’t scare her off by getting her some creepy gift. A Victoria’s Secret gift card will go over much better than attempting to buy her something yourself; do you know how many size combinations there are!? Seriously, try to play it cool.
Obviously there are other holidays which require gift giving but hopefully you now have enough knowledge to tackle next Christmas on your own. Plus you have over 300 days so I’m sure you’ll be able to come up with something.
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