Life
by Dub J on April 2, 2014

poo-emoji

Emojis are a tough territory for us bros. They are basically souped up emoticons, and as we know, emoticons belong to women. They own it and have turned the winky face into the “oh shit, it’s on” hook-up treasure we love today.

Emojis are a whole new ball game, though. Not an ounce of social/gender regulation. As a dude, you need to know how to tread these treacherous waters. Let’s dive into the acceptable Emojis dudes can use. A starter set, if you will:

5. “Cool Story”

cool-emoji

Easily the most disrespectful emoji in the game.  If someone sends you a story they think is funny and you hit them with this, your friendship might be over. You have their mind doing somersaults. They don’t know if they were funny, if you were being a dick, or both. Dangerous, but spectacular at the same time.

4. “Brews4Bros”

beers-emoji

Those yellow polygons mean that shit’s about to go down. In actuality, I’ve never seen beer glasses that look like this. You know, with the beer pouring down the side that magically avoids touching your hands. But let’s be serious, this emoji means you’re going to go out, have like four beers, get rejected a few times, say “you’re tired”, grab a burger and go home to watch buzzed Netflix.

3. “I just saw some shit”

eyes-emoji

This could apply to the following: someone said something outrageous or saw some titties or was a witness to a death. Whenever you send these out, the other person has your undivided attention because something serious just went down. You can’t send this out all willy-nilly for your typical zany comment. Shit has to be plain racist. And the boobs can’t just be any boobs. They have to be Sofia Vergara’s boobs. Lastly, only for confirmed homicides—that natural causes bullshit doesn’t count.

2. “The Creeper” also “Mexican”

mexican-emoji

This can be used in a multitude of ways. Sometimes you can use it here and there just to keep people honest and on their toes. Like, “Hey, why did Dub just send me this emoji? He must be getting into something weird.” It can also be used when you’re discussing creepy stuff as emojis don’t get more pedophile-y than this one. If the other person is your friend, they’ll know exactly what’s up. Also, this can be used to straight up describe a Mexican man.

NOTE: There are no “Black People” emojis, so we have been relegated to this:

indian-emoji

I’ll bet a thousand dollars that this dude has never been confused for a ‘Tyrell,’ Apple.

1. “Smiling Poop”

poo-emoji

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m pretty sure this is the only emoji I ever use with any sort of regularity. I don’t know what that says about me, but that’s where I am at in my life now. The poo emoji has taken the world by storm. The regular smiley has been locked in a basement and forced to cook meth like Jesse Pinkman. It’s arguable that it doesn’t get happier than the poo emoji. I mean, the thing is literally a piece of shit, but he’s not letting that slow his game. He’s still smiling with an oddly convincing set of pearly whites. Stinky exuberance trumps everything.

There you go, bros. The training wheels are off, so have no fear. Those strange images on your phone should make a lot more sense. Now get out there and send cartoon pictures to all of your friends because that’s a widely acceptable adult activity for some reason!

Follow Dub J on Twitter and check his blog, A Working Man’s Diary

Dub J

About Dub J...

Dub lives in Boston and blogs at Working Man’s Diary. He's also that black friend you never knew you had.