Life
by Doc Dawkins on June 22, 2012

The Wannabe Pro

It doesn’t matter if you’re only playing for $10 in the fraternity basement, the wannabe pro comes to play like it’s the final table of the Main Event. Sporting sunglasses, a hoodie and headphones, the man means business. He won’t speak a word during the game except to explain how well he slowplayed that set or bitch about how bad you play every hand you win. Will also take an average of 2 minutes to make a decision for the invisible cameras even though he knows what he’s going to do within the first 5 seconds.

The Novice
Doesn’t know the rules of the game and needs instructions on every little aspect of how to play. Repeatedly. Is constantly reminded when it’s his turn and also told to hide his cards because people feel bad about straight up stealing his money. Doesn’t know any strategy on how to play yet will still get lucky and end up winning every time. Guaranteed. The novice always has a horseshoe dipped in gold shoved up his ass.

The Talker
Some chit-chat is always welcome at the poker table. It’s a natural part of the atmosphere. But this guy for some reason won’t shut the sh*t up and makes you want to stuff your nuts in the electric shuffler just to distract you from the annoyance. Non-stop chatter about topics ranging from poker and the game last night to how he dislikes frozen waffles and the first time he went skiing. 99.99% of the words spoken have no relevance to the game of poker or to life in general.

The Bro
By far the coolest person at the table. Is there for the camaraderie of cards rather than trying to make a quick buck. The Bro will wish you luck before a hand and sincerely means it. If he wins he keeps he credits good luck and if he loses just says it’s all part of the game. The Bro doesn’t get angry when he loses money and doesn’t rub it in your face when he wins.

The Know It All
Everybody plays with someone who thinks they know so much about the game that it’s a surprise they weren’t spawned spontaneously out of Doyle Brunson’s saggy sac. Will tell you how you should have played every hand after the hand is over. “You should’ve checked on the turn…you could’ve bet more there…you probably should’ve folded that on the flop.”  Thanks, Bro. It takes every ounce of fiber in your body to not kick him in the face and wish him a death from impalement.  

The Spaz Master
This dude is happiest person in the world when he’s winning. Will hug and kiss everyone near him and tip the dealer like he just got a handy under the table. He’ll pay for your next drink just because he likes your face. Couldn't be more On top of the world.  Conversely, he’s the most miserable person in the world when he loses.  Splashes the pot, yells at the dealer like it's their fault and tell everyone around him they are worthless to society.  He'll leave after he punches the table as hard as he can and kicks over his chair while yelling the most inaudible curse words ever spoken. 

The Woman
Let’s face it, poker is a male dominated game. But this can work into a ladies advantage, especially if she’s got some looks. It’s tough to take money from a smokehouse, and if you do you’ve willingly cut your own dick off because there is no way she will ever let you get in her pants after you took her Skinny Girl alcohol money. But in the end, women who play cards are either really, really good or dreadfully bad. Nothing inbetween.

The Old Man
Beware of the old man playing poker. He can sit there in complete silence for hours at a time and never play a hand then all of a sudden he’ll bluff you out of your pants or flip over the nuts. The Old Man knows the game inside and is like a patient predator just waiting underwater by the riverbank for the first donk to come along to clip its nuts.

The Woe-Is-Me
Wanna know how long it’s been since he’s won a hand? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you in about 5 seconds… and every 5 seconds thereafter.  He’ll win 10 hands in a row and, thank God, after each one sarcastically saying ‘finally’ and when he loses the next one he asks why he is the most unlucky person in the world. Type of person who scores the lottery jackpot then complains when he has to pay taxes on his winnings. Chump deserves to to be teabagged by a porcupine.

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