Life
by J. Camm on February 26, 2013

Q: My boyfriend always says he enjoys eating me out. Do men really get enjoyment out of it?

A: Spoken like a girl who has taken a whiff of herself after a 90-minute spin class and thought “I can’t believe anyone would willingly jam their face into that.” I think the same thing after I hit the gym like a monster and catch a sniff of my junk as I get into the shower. It's a warzone down there.

Honestly, it varies from guy to guy. There are definitely dudes who won't do it no matter what — they don't like the taste or they hate to exert themselves physically –  but I know a few troopers who bask in it, guys who would munch box like a famished third-worlder even if the thing was queefing sardines. So it all depends. You seem to have caught yourself the ideal fish, haven’t you?

Most guys live somewhere in the middle when it comes to dumpster diving. I embark on a good face dig from time-to-time, but do I really enjoy it? Maybe once every 45th instance, but I think the vast majority of my enjoyment comes from seeing a girl's reaction to how much of a lothario my tongue is. Is your boyfriend different? I guess he is but for the rest of us, it's not something we get overly stoked about doing — except for if we're drunk — but we know it's oftentimes necessary.

Also, and this could just be me, but if I've just brushed my teeth I really don't want to do it and I get zero enjoyment if I do. Eating box is a lot like drinking orange juice in that regard.

Q: I was on a hot streak with girls for about 3 weeks, but now I haven't had sex in 2 weeks. My question is how long without sex is considered a slump? And how long till a slump becomes a drought?

 

A: Whether or not you’re in a slump or a drought all depends on how much effort you are putting in, how much ass you usually pull, and how often you’re dangling your dick in the water without a bite. If you go out five times a week and usually get laid at least once in those nights, then two weeks of striking out might constitute a slump, whereas it would take a weekend warrior a full month to amass the slump level of rejection.

This is completely arbitrary because it's different for every guy, but I’d say 10 consecutive nights of utter failure is a slump, 20 nights is a drought, and 30 is the sexual equivalent of famine.

Q: A lot of different memes have come and gone over the recent couple years: What X thinks I do, planking, rick rolling, and now the Harlem Shake. What would you say is the worst of the bunch? (read: least bro)

A: Planking was patently stupid, and primarily fueled by hipsters so that has to be the “least Bro.” But each meme or viral trend is remarkably dumb in its own right. I especially hate the fad where people add “ing” to the end of someone’s last name. Tebowing is praying for Christ’s sake, Flaccoing was lying face down, Te'oing was posing with an imaginary friend, and Kaepernicking — which pisses me off to no foreseeable end because he created it himself with the intention of turning a profit — is kissing your fucking bicep. That's not even original! Big Poppa Pump and many others were kissing their biceps long before Colin was even a bullet in his dad’s chamber. GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 

The issue I have with all memes/trends is that people initially love these fucking things so we can’t stop posting them, because PAGEVIEWS. But yeah, all these memes give me gas and I blame Obama.

Q: Here's the situation; you wake up ten minutes before class and have to get ready fast. In the meantime you forgot to snag some Kleenexes. So you're sitting in class and your nose is running nonstop, but you have nothing to wipe with. If you leave the teacher tries calling you out, and if you just go to the bathroom, you'll still get called out and then only have shitty paper towels. Do you constantly wipe the run away with your hand or just leave class?

A: I'd first assess the flow and frequency of the snot, then I'd determine if I can suck it back with a mighty snort or not, and finally I'd check my surroundings to see if “living with it” is even an option — Are the chairs covered with fabric for a seamless face-hand-chair transition? Am I sitting in the front of class? Do I ever want to get laid again? Shit like that is what you need to ask yourself.

In most cases, I'd get up, walk to the bathroom like a goddamn adult, blow my nose with toilet paper, check my face for dingle berries (that's burned me before), then go back to class armed with something in case the drip persists — probably a paper towel for durability's sake. In fact, I can't even fathom a situation where I suffer and don't leave class to fix the problem. If the teacher doesn't like it, FUCK THAT NAZI, I'm paying to be sitting there, and I'm not about to try and multi-task the management of snot bubbles with taking notes, because you know that first bubble only goes away when you rocket it into a tish.

Q: Two-part question:

What is your opinion on a guy(me) having a long distance relationship with a girl(her). When I say long I'm talking NY –> CA long. We are both in our late 20's and have no reason to think one would hook up with other people. I am flying out there for Valentine's Day and she is insisting that we date. No I am not Manti Te’o (or however the fuck you spell his name) I have known her for 2 years, we have been hooking up on and off since.

Also would you rather stick it in a girls ass after she took a nasty Chinese food smash, or eat a heavy flow girl out when she's on her period. Brownstown or Red Baron?

A: My opinion on distance isn’t as close-minded as one would think, provided that both people are willing to move within a reasonable amount of time. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time and what’s the point? However, if you were in college and asking me this question, I’d hate your fucking guts because that is life squandering on the grandest scale and I can’t condone that.

And now, PART TWO!

So many poop questions lately. I suppose that’s my fault; evidently I’ve conditioned you to ask me questions about shit and chugging period blood straight from the spigot. Feel prettaaayy, prettaaayy proud right now.

Obviously I’m sticking it in the girl’s ass, unless, of course, the blood will give me superpowers. Since you didn’t mention that, I’m guessing we’re dealing with your average, run of the mill, everyday, mundane, nothing to write home to mom about, bargain bin period blood. So I’ll pass.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

[Going down image via ShutterStock]