Life
by J. Camm on April 30, 2013

Q: I need a male perspective to solve a debate between my friend and I (we're both girls).

She claims that given the choice between a loud, boisterous, sexy chick who loves to drink and fuck and is fantastic at both and will let their man go completely wild, but can sometimes be sloppy, bitchy, skanky, and generally not classy and gross, or a calm, elegant, mature, classy, wifely, sandwich-making, girl-next door who will always support them, but is a total prude who hates sex, sucks in bed, and will rarely let them touch her, any bro would go for the latter because she's “marriage material” and more “worthy” of staying with, because she's “better” for him.

I say they'd think with their dicks and go for the slutty one who's more likely to fuck 'em.

Who's right?

A: Well, shit. You’re both right. Kind of. 

I don't care what anyone says, dudes love chicks with overflowing cleavage, defunct morals, painted on dresses, 17-inch heels and a vegetable drawer full of stinky cucumbers at home. If we didn’t, porn would look a fuckload different, wouldn’t it? Hell, I can’t remember the last time I fapped it to some wholesome-looking girl because that last time never happened. 

/remembers to clear browser history 

The thing is, though, when you peel back the layers of makeup and filth OR you sober up, the vast majority of these “leave nothing to the imagination” type chicks are abominable. Sure, she is still perfect in that she is turned on by your audible farts, but this is certainly not the kind of broad you would want to be seen with in daylight.

So while we want the dirty, sexy girls, we don’t necessarily want to wake up next to them for the rest of our lives. And since you’ve given me no middle-ground option to choose from in this wildly lopsided scenario you provided, then I think a majority of us, who aren't bikers, rappers, or greased-up Guidos would choose the classy prude. At least with them, you can be seen in public. 

Q: I’m a 20-year-old chick and I read BroBible pretty consistently. I love the straight-up attitude with all of the answers so here’s my question:

I’ve been hooking up with this guy for the entire semester. We mostly hook up when we’re drunk which is fine by me. We’re friends and it’s not a big deal or weird that we hang out sober too. We have really good sex but neither of us wants a relationship (or so I thought). He asked me out to dinner, or as he put “a real date.” He told me he’s realized that a ‘girl like me’ doesn’t come by often. I think he’s a good guy with a great sense of humor and all that. He’s really attractive but I really don’t want a boyfriend. My friends think I’m an idiot for not dating him already. I said yes to the date because I don’t know what else to do. We’re going out on Friday; I really just want the consistently amazing sex. If I turn down another ‘couple activity’ I’m afraid he’ll be upset and not want to hook up anymore.

Thoughts?

A: I always hoped someone, ANYONE, out there was reading my answers as if they were coming straight from a sassy, dangerously obese, black lady’s mouth. If that is not what you meant by “straight-up attitude,” then keep it to yourself. Don’t ruin this moment for me.

AttractiveAmazingSexGuy is into you, that much is clear. What is unclear is how he’ll respond once you reject the offer to wear his varsity jacket. Will he become more persistent? Will he retreat in defeat, never to be heard from again? Or will he find the courage, after you let him down, to stay the course and keep finger poppin’ your asshole? (In the scenario-movie that is playing in my head, he violates you in such ways. It’s graphic, yet, tender.)

You both want two different things and that’s fine. Shit happens. Despite what your friends say, you're not at fault for wanting what you want. But that doesn't mean one day you won't wake up, single, with dog shit prospects, and regret this. The good news is, you probably will get a few more shots before he tells you to go fuck yourself for good. Most guys are resilient at first and my guess is he’ll inwardly be upset that you don’t want to be his girlfriend but outwardly, he’ll withstand this initial blow to his ego, pretend things are cool, and leave things the way they were. However, that doesn’t mean he won’t try again, or that the next time you deny him won't come with repercussions.

Q: A good friend of mine asked if she can used my computer to check her email in class. When I got home I noticed that she left her email open. After a quick glance I found a few sex videos and nudes pictures of her. Which I downloaded and saved.

She is a hard 10 and everyone in this city is over her like crazy, and to make matters better she is on the verge of becoming a cheerleader for an NFL team.

Should I share the pictures with all the bros? Keep em for personal enjoyment? Or sell them?

A: Well, most fantastic friend earth has ever seen, since you seem deserving let me see if I can help you out.

Your opener was basically, “A good friend of mine needed a favor so naturally I helped her out. NO BIG DEAL. I'm a great guy like that,” which no longer seems sincere after you closed by telling us you took her property and you're thinking about parlaying that theft into personal profit. Not to mention all the jerking off you've probably done to her videos between now and the time you actually stole them.

Best friend ever? You're running unopposed if you ask me.

In any event, I don't moonlight at fucking Legal Zoom, so I have no idea if anything you've already done, or intend to do, is illegal. And although she left it open on your computer, the law might see jacking her files as theft. For Christ's sake, people find lost iPhones these days, decide to keep them as their own, and get accused of stealing. Like it's their fault some guy left it sitting on the toilet paper dispenser during his shit break.

If I were you (see: a used condom) I'd look into the legality of what I've already done before I do anything else. I'd also think about what leaking these sex-vids would do to this so-called friend of yours. Just because she won't fuck you (I mean, if she would, you wouldn't even be considering any of this) doesn't give you carte blanche to ruin her life.

Q: I guess this is technically a two-part question that is about the same topic. The first part is that a friend from high school and I are going to the same college next year. I should use friend lightly as although we are in the same friend group and hang out on occasion, we don't have that much in common and don't usually talk outside of school or hangout together without the rest of our friends. He wants to room with me and two other people he met online in college, and my question is, is it a good idea? Also what are some general pros and cons for being college roommates with someone you went to high school with?

A: I have a close friend who went to college under the exact circumstances. The outcome wasn’t perilous or anything, but his college experience — in my professional opinion and experience at judging other people’s lives from atop a mountain – was not maximized.

The “sort of friend” from high school became dead weight socially. And that is where YOU can run into trouble. Because you know each other and are roommates, you can miss out on the whole “branching out” aspect of college if this guy sticks to you like a leech. You might feel an obligation to bring this other guy everywhere you go. And if you think that will be the case, I’d advise against it – you barely like this fucking guy as it is.

Now, if you can remove that feeling of obligation from your relationship, and you’re able ditch this fucker any time you please without guilt, then I see no problem with this roommate situation.

Cons:
Everything shitty that was listed above
All of your business getting back to people at home/your parents

Pros:
When school starts you have one more friend than everyone else
You know him, so he probably won’t hack you to pieces in your sleep and fuck your corpse.

Q: I've been going through a classic rock phase recently and have stumbled across Fleetwood Mac. Now in my opinion they're a great band, but I've made deeper cuts into Stevie Nicks solo career. Is it bro to rock out to a female rock star or should I stick to my guns of Fleetwood Mac as a whole?

A: Fuck it, Bro. If Stevie Nicks sends good vibes into your dickhole and her lyrical styling cuts deep in to your soul, roll with it. Thunder only happens when it's raining, ya heard?

Q: Alright so I'm in this science course and the three other guys in my lab group have a combined IQ of 50. They don't help with any of the labs nor do they understand how to do any of them, which leaves me to do them on my own. So the other day, I get a text from one of the guys asking me to put his name on my lab to which I responded “yes, for 10 bucks”. In fact, I told all three that if they want credit, they each need to pay me $10. They did. Now, one of they guys is all upset that I didn't do it for free because he thought we were “bros”. I don't consider us anything more than classmates. Am I a douchebag for doing this, J. Camm?

A: He's crying about ten dollars? Oh boo fucking hoo. Tell that reject you're not his goddamn Bro and that if it weren't for your brain and gracious pricing his defective ass would be failing the class. Then inform him your service fee just tripled.

If you didn't charge these guys or tell them to get fucked altogether, you would hate yourself for it, would you not? It is better to have the three stooges despise you than to despise yourself.

We all have two choices every morning when we wake up: to take advantage or to be taken advantage of; to seize or to be seized; to shit or to get shit on. I'm glad to see you finally figured out how to take a thick power dump. I see no problem in making money off of this, it's not your fault that kid's brain is running against the wind, in mud, and with a deployed parachute strapped to it's back. 

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