Life
by J. Camm on May 15, 2012

Q. Should I not consider my friend a Bro anymore after he hooked up with the girl I’m into while he’s talking to other girls and I really like this girl.

A. Absolutely you should still consider him your Bro. An opportunist like that is an asset to have around. That guy will probably help you get more ass than he’ll ever steal from you anyway. Even if it’s his table scraps or the sub-4 his dime calls a best friend, he’s still the kind of go-getter you want around.

Fact is this chick you’re pining over wasn’t yours to lay claim to. You liked her. And by the sound of it you stood idly by waiting for her to make a move or for your left nut to descend into place while that predator (and I use that word with the highest of praise) swooped in for the kill. He taught you a great lesson in life and random, loveless sex: don’t ever think just because you called “dibs” that someone or something is yours. The only time that works is when you call shotgun on road trips. Only a monster wouldn't honor that call. 

If she were your girlfriend or you were actively making an effort to be with her, he probably wouldn’t have done that, and if he did you’d have every right to execute him (from your life, not literally). But she wasn’t yours and at the pace you were moving she probably never would have been. What I’m saying is, it sucks that he's tainted the love of your life with his seed but don’t fault him for having the nerve to do what you couldn’t. 

Q. Ok so I banged this girl last weekend and mind you we were both pretty ham dogged, but I think she has an unnatural craving for human semen. Last time we smashed she was begging me, literally pleading with me to bust my nut all in her. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or what, but after I pulled out and bust all over her stomach and chest she began to moan and rub my splooge all over her body. She was getting off by rubbing and playing with my man juice. In the morning she asked why I didn't blow my load in her, her argument was that since she was on birth control there would be no harm done. Then she said she wouldn't sleep with me again unless I promised to shoot my little swimmers in her into pussy. So my question is, is this chick bat shit crazy, or should I ride it out and hope she doesn't get pregnant?

A. Despite relishing the agony that comes with finding things out because of my own stupidity, there are a few lessons I’ve learned from the mistakes of others. And blowing it inside a random girl that claims to be on the pill just so happens to be ONE OF THEM! I’m not going to go into details of how I learned this –it’s not my story to tell — but don’t ever do it. If you look like you have money or your family has money to support her child, or if she’s just hard up to have a kid, she will lie about it and you’ll spend the rest of your life linked to this jizz-loving pig.

Maybe she is on the pill. Maybe she just loves a good cream-pie (I mean, who doesn’t?) but you can’t trust her or her motives. The rest of your life could be ruined from one load. I don’t think it’s worth it, but then again, I’m not terribly fond of children.

The only way around this is to watch her take the pill every night for like a week straight or have her agree that she’ll swallow Plan B the next morning. Actually, you could always get one more sesh in by saying, “Yeah, I'll shoot it in you, let's go WILD!” and then when the time comes you pull out at the last minute, aim 'ol glory at her eyes, and try to blind the stupid bitch for thinking you're some kind of idiot.

Q. Would you rather cut one of your nuts off with a pair of those dull as all fuck kiddie scissors or peel your cock-skin with a rusty cheese grater?

A. Both of those sound like pure erotica to me. Nothing throws my dick into utter stiffness like some genital mutilation talk. I mean, why just go with one? Can I order the sampler platter here?

But honestly…

If a gun were pointed at my head and I had to choose one of these penile plights, I would opt to die. Unload the goddamn clip into my face, then treat my junk like a hunk of cheese when I'm dead. Seriously. I can’t stomach a toothy blow job let alone the thought of a cheese grater whittling away at my dick. And cutting off my own nut, or any section of my body, isn’t happening. I almost ralphed while watching “127 Hours” and I knew Franco was slicing through a Hollywood prop.  

That said, I know I have to pick one, and I can’t go with death. And under no circumstances am I going to pick losing a nut. If being a puss is not being able to lob off your own ball with dull scissors then I'm as wide-set and purple lipped as a pussy can come. So I suppose I'll shave a few layers of myself onto the floor. At least that way I’m still whole. Plus, it’ll clean my dick of any and all surface STDs I might have, which is nice. 

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