Life
by Chris Illuminati on February 5, 2014

Applebees Under 550

Commercials work, even if you don’t always realize how deep all those ads for cars, ball cream and beer penetrate your purchasing decisions.

Take for example the Papa John’s commercial which ran during the NFL postseason. I only needed to see Troy Aikman and Papa John hocking a massive cookie one time to make a mental note that the next time I felt incredibly awful about my existence, I could purchase a massive cookie baked on a pizza pan.  Pizza-sized cookies can be delivered to your door. All the Papa John’s in Colorado cashing in on legalized pot is news but no one wonders if Papa John himself is toking all day?

Another popular ad, running continuously during most sporting events, advertises the Applebee’s Under 550 menu.

Yes, that’s Jason Sudeikis, reading copy intended in tricking people into buying smaller portions for full price. I’m all for unfattening the country but I’ll assume most of people ordering off the Under 500 menu start the meal with an app and end with a dessert because “their meal wasn’t so bad for them.”

Because this website is dedicated to young men, and the commercial airs repetitively during sporting events and TV programming also attractive to that demographic, Applebee’s is saying it’s fine for guys of a certain age to graze off the Under 500 calorie menu. These ads trick guys into thinking it’s perfectly fine to tap the lips with a finger, mentally choose between chicken or steak, and blurt out the name of a low-cal entree.

I’m here to tell you otherwise.

If you order a meal from the under 550 menu, you’re a pussy.

If you’re on a date and order the Zesty Roma Chicken and Shrimp, or meet up with friends and ask for the Napa Chicken & Portobellos with a straight face, be sure to also ask the waiter to point out the ladies room. Remember the location. Enjoy your meal then take a nice, big thirst-quenching sip of your Bahama Mama and retreat to the girl’s bathroom to freshen up your vagina after such a huge meal.

Oh, you’re in training for an event? Order a real meal off the menu and eat half. The low calorie meal sounds really delicious? Order two and ask the waiter to put them on one plate. You’ve got dietary or diabetic issues? Don’t eat at a fucking Applebee’s. The low calorie menu items are strictly for women, early bird diners and lap banders.

Men don’t go under 550. No arguments.

To quote the equally horrendous Applebee’s slogan, “See You Tomorrow.” Unless you’re sidelined with menstrual cramps.

Chris Illuminati is a full-time dad and recovering asshole. Feel free to say hello to him on Twitter.