5. Chris Paul
He got traded. Yep, that's all I got.
4. Zung Nguyen
Nguyen, a Senior Hockey League Player, TOOK A SHIT in an opponent’s glove after a fight on the ice. That is inexplicably awesome for three reasons. A.) He shit on cue. I'd kill to rattle off a steamer at my leisure. B.) He exacted revenge using shit. Everyone knows I love that. C.) His name rhymes with Dung. Really hoping that sticks as a nickname.
3. Derek Jeter
Anyone else think, “Oh, they must have mixed him up with A-Rod” when the report came out about Jeter giving all his trysts a bouquet of signed Derek Jeter memorabilia? I'll tell you who's got to be pissed in all of this: The doofus above who caught Jeter's 3,000th hit. He didn't demand any cash and just some free autographed shit. Basically, Jeter treated him like a hoe.
2. London Bankers
As you can see from above, a group of nine bankers in London racked up quite the impressive tab at their recent holiday party. But what I didn't notice when we first reported about this is that whoever paid the check double-tipped the waitress to the tune of £17,000 or about $28,000. That's a lot of scratch to give some broad who hasn't just fellated you… for the 1000th time.
1. Chad (Name changed, appearance sadly unkown)
This is an email exchange from a couple at the University of Georgia. The first is a letter of apology from a girl to her boyfriend, Chad. The second is Chad's response. All in all it's a fine way to end the week.
Whore Beth writes:
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I fee like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way.
There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed.
I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
In response to hoe Beth, Chad writes:
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken hoes I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh?
No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing. Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't Fuck him' somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill c*m-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child adult entertainment collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
Well goddamn, I enjoyed the shit out of that.