Life
by J. Camm on July 3, 2013

Q: I accidentally E-mailed a professor pics of this broad I fucked. He doesn't know the girl and replied with “What's this about” I asked him to ignore it as it was a mistake. This was the end of our communication. Now things are weird because I have been trying to get a spot in this guy's lab for next year. What's an appropriate next step? He's a pretty cool guy, still I cant tell if it's just one of those things that 'happens' or if I fucked myself harder than I fucked the girl…. Can I just ignore it and move on? Or do I need to find another place to work?

A: It's baffling to me how one can even make this mistake, but you've managed. How did it all go down? Our readers need to know for future reference and shit, so they don't follow in your missteps. Did you have these pics saved on your desktop right next to your thesis paper on the pros an cons of women digesting semen? Or did you mistake your Mitosis.doc attachment with Miastits.jpeg? HOW GODDAMMIT!?!

Either way, brilliantly done. I hope this chick you sent was spread eagle with the bottom half of a Ken doll sticking out of her in at least one of those tawdry photos. 

My only thought on this is to move on like it never happened. What is done is done and while he probably stashed the photos for future jack off motivation (JOtivation?) I'd guess he's done discussing the topic with you. Nothing coming out of your mouth after-the-fact could possibly add to the conversation to make this situation any better. Unless, of course, this is a genetics lab you're desperately trying to get into and you follow up saying you sent the pictures to ask if any specific genetic mutations caused her to have lopsided tits and a lazy eye. Sometimes you got to throw a Hail Mary.

Q: Would you rather piss yourself every time you stood up or shit your pants every time you sat down for the rest of your life?

A: Ah jeeze.

You ever interview for a job and not get it because the person thought you were overqualified or over-educated for the position? First of all, what the fuck kind of an excuse is that? “We can't possibly hire you, our bar is set firmly at mediocre and we have no place for overachievers in this company.” Yes, let's NOT hire the person who might aspire to be more than just a bookkeeper someday. Idiots.

Second, I feel like I'm that person right now.

You're going to want piss yourself and I'll give you three reasons why.

1. If you shit every time you sit down you risk ruining more than just your pants. Whereas if you soil yourself standing up, you've only defaced your pants. And probably your socks.

2. Shit stinks worse than piss. I guess that is more opinion than it is fact, but it is the right fucking opinion.

3. Piss will eventually dry. Shit will eventually itch. If you don't believe that then you must be a maestro at wiping your asshole. As someone who has not wiped to complete satisfaction an alarming amount of times, trust me, shit is itchy. Especially during a heat wave.

Q: My friends and I have been having this debate for weeks. Period sexL Bro or Not Bro? If it depends on the looks, what's the minimum?

A: More like, “Period sex: Yes or MORE YES?” as far as I'm concerned. Who's with me? WHO'S FUCKING WITH ME?!?! THIS. IS. SPARTA!!

Sorry, got a little carried away. But yeah, period blood ain't no thang as long as you're not swallowing it.

Timeout for Patriotism

Anyone else tucking up a rager after looking at those? Back to the questions. 

Q: Hey Bro, I'm facing a serious early life fucking crisis. My parents are pressing me hard trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I couldn't give a single fuck, but lately I've been wondering to myself what some real bro jobs are. I'm from a relatively well off family and some of my friends are wealthy, but It seems like all their parents have boring ass fucking jobs that would make you want to rip your fucking dick off. Any advice on some bro career choices?

P.S – A career that will let me drink copious amounts of alcohol AND involves a busty secretary would be much preferred. Hope more pops into your mind that mine.

A: Impossible question. Can't answer it correctly. I could waste my time listing a hundred jobs and a no-fucks-to-give motherfucker such as yourself can read them all and say “those are gay as shit.” So I'm not even going to bother.

However, I do have one word of advice: do something that doesn't make you want to commit suicide when your alarm clock rings. For me figuring that out took awhile, but I realized that something was either this or professional golf. So basically, just this. 

Q: Firstly, I'm a lady and appreciate Ask a Bro for your unfiltered truth and some of the most creative synonyms I have ever witnessed. I just recently graduated from college and moved to Boston for a job. High on my priorities is finding a decent friend with benefits. I went to a B1G party school, where every guy I met had one degree of separation so it wasn't hard to find someone to hook up with for a while who was cool and not trying to wife me. I feel like most guys in their early/mid 20s ideally want a cool chick who wants to regularly hook up, including random work night booty calls to blow off some steam. Any tips on finding a fuck buddy in the big city and not winding up chopped up in a freezer later?

A: The best way to not die whilst pursuing random cock (or lady junk) is to start out working within your existing network. Even if your best friends aren't in Boston, surely someone you know from college or high school landed there. Through those connections you can start meeting people these friends already trust and seem to not be into things like murder. Also, most schools have alumni events in major cities. That's a great way to re-meet people who you might have already seen or known from college.

Candidly, life on the outside is fucking crap shoot. More often than not you have no idea just what or who (for us dudes) you're getting yourself into. That's what you really lose when you leave college; the ability to have a clue about the bad decision you're about to make. I've said it before, every new person you meet after college at a bar could be Patrick Bateman. But these are the dark roads you go down to blow a load.

Q: Let us assume for a second, that Superman is an undercover gay and uses his X-ray vision to scope out dicks in Walmart. Would that be considered an abuse of his powers? My straight friend says yes, but my gay friend says no. Then again, my gay friend has been caught blowing random strangers at Walmart, but I digress. What does the all knowing J. Camm think?

A: Not sure this is a flight I want to take, because you're basically broaching the “should gay guys be allowed in the same locker room as other men?” question but in wacky form. All you've done is turned Superman gay, for whatever reason.

Although now that I think about it, dudes who saunter around a gym locker room with their womb-shifter flapping in the breeze are basically asking for dudes (gay or straight) to check them out. Whereas Superman is praying on the innocent folks in Walmart who are just minding their own business and enjoying the savings. Happier than fuck to get a bargain on fabric softener.

That said, Superman was born with the gift of seeing through shit (the technical term for that currently escapes me) and if I could stare through skirts and blouses I'd probably do the same.

Alright, Bros. That does it for me. I'm tapped out. Have one hell of a 4th and try to keep anything that's not your own dick from exploding in your hand.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

[Hot girl image via ShutterStock]

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.