Life
by J. Camm on May 2, 2013

My roommate wrote this email about a girl he hooked up with… I thought it was too funny not to submit, so I'm going behind his back and doing it anyway. Here it is:

This girl came back with me last night and she gave me a bj. Great right? WELL IT FUCKING WASN'T. Things were going awesome in the beginning and yadda yadda yadda I went down on her and THOUGHT the bitch would return the favor, but she didn't. So I ate her out again. LITERALLY 17 MORE TIMES. I'm not even kidding. This went on for a good 2 hours, with a little foreplay in between, but still. what the FUCK did she think this was? An all-you-can eat buffet where the chef is only serving a big fat-lipped platter of PUSSY?!

Now in my mind, I'm thinking “John, why don't you just ask her to blow you?”, but I'm a gentleman and wouldn't want to command her to do anything..but after the 17th time I just look her straight in the face and say “suck my dick.” And she does. she wraps her mouth around the head of my cock, and that's it.

I know what you're all thinking. “John, she just put your dick in her mouth and that was it?” and the answer is unfortunately “yeah, pretty fucking much.” I couldn't FUCKING BELIEVE what I was seeing. I did not go down on this bitch all those times for this. I want this girl's head to be fucking BOBBING like a buoy in The Perfect Storm. So what do I do? I grab her head behind her ears and fuck her face.

She didn't see it coming, but I just didn't fucking care. I was dribbling her head like Lebron James would a basketball and she was Kobe..ashi, just eating away at my cock. It was glorious. For that moment.

NOW this FUCKING CUNT is taking breaks to kiss my stomach. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE I WANT MY STOMACH KISSED? No, you dumb fuck, I want my penis sucked!

So I align her stupid fucking face with my now half-chub so she can get back to work. And she does. For a while. And I feel myself about to erupt like a tube of toothpaste getting run over by an 18-wheeler. I'm just like “keep goin, don't stop” and WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK SHE DOES?

She stops. She takes my cock out of her mouth and stares me in the eye. So I'm staring right back for a solid 10 seconds. A FUCKING tumbleweed came out of nowhere and passed between us. She then said “I wanna cuddle, I'm really tired.”

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? She crawls back up, lies on her side, and closes her eyes. My balls were so blue, Magenta came over to play. I couldn't believe it. She left this morning and that's the last time I will ever see her again.

I told you it was aggressive. But, I mean, he's got a point: if you're going to suck a cock, ladies, suck that fucker to completion. Leaving us with a loaded boner is worse than telling a child Santa isn't real.

NEXT!

I’m a junior at a very large New England state school, well respected for partying; the place turns into a “zoo” (see if you can take the hint). Some of my buddies are graduating in less than a week, so it’s their last couple weeks of living the college life, which means of course we’re going all out.

So I met this girl about a week ago, we’ll call her Em. She’s one of those girls that immediately catches your eye when you walk into a bar or party. She’s also one of those girls that you only happen to randomly see once a month or so, but never in a situation that offers a courteous opportunity to introduce, get to know (or at least pretend), and make moves at (I’m sure you know exactly what I’m saying). Having different social circles forces you to swim into uncharted waters, but that’s the fun part of the chase.

Em is sexy; not the gorgeous model sexy, but the toned, athletic sexy, which has always been more up my alley. Cute face, dirty blonde wavy hair, C-cup breasts, tight stomach and a tight ass that makes yoga pants stretch in just the right ways. She’s taller too, maybe 5’8” tall, which is doable for me being 6’5”. Friendly but not loud and obnoxious, and knows how to have a good
time.

With that in mind, I’m at a party at my good friend’s place. This kid throws down frequently, and it always ends up being a good time. Think New England-style college partying; old houses that haven’t been properly maintained since the ‘60s, packed full of sweaty drunkards looking to dip as soon as they can find a female who will leave with them. It’s about 2:30am on a Thursday night, marking the last day of classes for the semester, my buddies and I had been at this house since around 1am when the bars closed. The party has died down some, to the point where you can walk around the house more comfortably than navigating thru overly-crowded rooms, but there are still a good amount of people, and the energy has not left yet. I’m drunk but still slugging back Captain, not worried too much about finding a girl to take home with me. By this time, if I haven’t found someone, I’m usually content with becoming blackout (if I haven’t already reached that point) and hitting up a booty call on the trek home.

Just as I’m about to head home with my buddies, Em walks in the backdoor of the house, drunk but composed, a girl who can let loose but still handle her alcohol, which I find to be an attractive feature. She’s alone, looking for her friends. I’m standing around finishing the last of our drinks with my buddies. We make eye contact as she walks in our direction, and I instinctively grab her arm on the way by. She looks at me and smiles. Immediately, we hit it off and I successfully grab her number before she goes to find her friends and my crew heads out. I head home, and arrange for my late night fuck to meet me back at my place. Later that night, I get a text saying she was glad I grabbed her, happy we met, and we should meet up again soon. Never a bad text to receive.

Fast forward to Saturday, my buddies and I are out at the bars. I get a text from Em asking if I’m going downtown; I tell her I’m already there, and we arrange to meet up. A few (and by few I mean a lot more than a few) drinks and a couple hours later, I’m staring at the ceiling of her apartment, naked in bed smoking a freshly packed bowl with Em. She has two other roommates, both with boyfriends, so they were both nowhere to be seen for the night. We reek of sweat, sex, booz and bud, but it’s one of those moments where you could care less. Fresh off round 1 and a bowl pack, Em is ready for round 2. I’m not one to brag, but more often than not I don’t find myself with the problem of not being able to get it up. Plus weed has the tendency to boost my sexual drive and endurance, so of course I’m all for round 2. I’d like to first say that this girl is not only attractive, but knows what she’s doing between the sheets. Rides like a pro and is real good with her mouth. She proposes that we take round 2 into the bathroom. I of course agree, and watch her hop out of bed and make her way to the bathroom. I take another rip from the bowl and hear the shower start up. Em is in the kitchen when I make my way down the hall and tells me to get in the shower, that she will be there in a second. Taking a high shower is great; taking a high shower with a girl is even better. We immediately start making out, things get steamy, literally and figuratively, and soon enough I’m fucking her doggy while the water sprays down on us. This is not my first encounter of shower sex, but by far the best I’ve had. We finish and wash up. Hop out of the shower, finish the bowl that is still half-packed, and fall asleep.

I wake up the next morning, to another freshly packed bowl and the smell of bacon and eggs being made down the hall. Actual breakfast in bed, and another morning session of her riding me, I lie there content with what has happened in the last few hours. I get up, search for my clothes and wait for her to get ready. She drives me back to my place, and I tell her I will call her. I’ve
since seen her one other time.

I find out she lives only a couple hours away, her parents are wealthy and have a beach house on the Cape, which I am promised an invitation to when she makes a trip out there this summer. Figured that this was not at all a bad way to end my Junior year.

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[Angry man image via ShutterStock]

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