Life
by J. Camm on January 27, 2013

It's New Year's Eve and some friends invite me to go to dinner downtown. There are about 6 of us and after dinner we head back to this girl's place to pop champagne and watch the ball drop. After some festivities we hit the hot tub with some of her friends, and as we were soon reminded, coupling alcohol with a jacuzzi is the easiest way to find yourself very drunk in a very short amount of time.

Afterwards we all go back inside to drink some more and the next thing I know I'm hooking up with this blonde girl in the guest bedroom who I had just met. We go for less than half an hour before she passes out. This sucks for me personally, because all that alcohol has resulted in the kind of endurance my ex-girlfriend always dreamed of me having. Needless to say, I wasn't done for the night.

So I walk out of the room, ass-naked, condom still on, about to make the trip to the bathroom when out of the corner of my eye I spot one of the other girls I had been hitting on all night lying asleep on the couch. To this day I still don't know what came over me, but in an incredibly drunken “fuck it” move I walked over, woke her up, and proceeded to have another half hour of near-blackout sex with a second girl in under an hour, using the exact same condom still wrapped around my tool.

Unfortunately for me (or rather, fortunately maybe) this incredible case of whiskey dick got the better of girl #2 and she was soon asleep as well from the combination of champagne, exhaustion, and dehydration, so at this point I figure there's only one option left. I get up, walk back into the guest bedroom like a man on a mission, wake up girl #1 and go for round 2 until we both pass out in the bed.

The next morning I wake up early, dispose of the world's greatest rubber ever conceived, and flee the scene before either girl wakes up and finds out that they had both been hit by the same stick in under an hour. It didn't take long however, because it was only hours after I had returned home that I received a text from one of my bros professing his and all the other guys sincere admiration for my accomplishment…it turns out girl 1 and girl 2 were longtime best friends, and that they found out what happened when one of the other girls told them they saw me walking around the living room at 3 am with my dick in the air.

At least he's a “safety first” kind of guy, even if it's only his own.

NEXT!

This story is more of a warning to all my fellow bros out there I was home for winter break and decided to go a party where two of exes would be in attendance (we'll call one Sarah and the other Kristen). Both relationships ended pleasant enough, so I wasn't worried about any problems. When I got to the party, Sarah and I caught up yadda yadda yadda and she mentioned she had split with her boyfriend that day. Kristen on the other hand had recently decided she preferred being with chicks (bless college).

As the night went on, Sarah invited me out for a smoke. It was unseasonably warm for the time so I didn't mind. We went outside and started smoking. Once thing lead to another and we were down on the lawn and boning. People started exiting the party while we were mid-coitus, which was a problem because the pathway to the cars went right by us. Several times we had to stop and hide out in the bushes until the people passed, but I was able to finish as her neighbors walked their dogs 20 feet away.

I went back inside after and staked out a piece of the floor next to Kristen. We started taking shots and I instinctively made a move on her as well. When she didn't reject my advances, I kept going and eventually put it in her not 45 minutes after stuffing Sarah. Performance issues aside, we “finished” up and went to sleep.

Unfortunately no good deed goes unpunished. Two weeks later I started itching my balls like they were a million dollar scratch ticket. Turns out Sarah's boyfriend wasn't the hygienic type and I had contracted crabs via Sarah. Looking back, this situation was completely avoidable. How? Always make sure to trim your own rough down to a green, or at least a decent fairway. Nothing is worse than not being able to watch TV without being in incredible pain.

There are far worse things than having to watch TV with an itchy nut sack. FAR WORSE.

Submit your Hook Up Heroes stories here.

[Condom image via Shutterstock]

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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