This is one of my finer moments as a single adult. Briefly after splitting with my ex, I took a trip to Baltimore Maryland. If you have not been down there to visit I suggest you go now! My current bat avg is .714 ( 5 homeruns on 7 visits ). Land of opportunity!
Back to the main event… So I was visiting two of my best buds in Baltimore. Everyone knew I was newly single and wanted to celebrate because no one really enjoyed my Ex's company. So it was my night to shine. We start pounding the Nattybo's. My friend, who we will call Fatz, said his terrible friend J (is a female) was coming out with us. Me being the dick that I am complained how she was terrible and made shit hole brownies and just teased him like hell…I also added in there I will bang her for him to get back at her for years of shit friendship.
Night continues, she is there and I am being a complete ass to her. Saying she can not cook and every time she puts down her beer I chug it. So we head out to the bar the shots start pouring and drinks come in hundreds it feels like.
Next thing I know, I am dancing with the girl J and making out with her at the bar. My elaborate plan is going into effect with out me even being aware of it. So she is whispering to me on the dance floor how she always wanted to bang me and yada yada. Last call hits and we our on our way out. She says I can stay with her but her apartment is really really small.
Baltimore, if you have not been, is covered in cobblestone roads so drunk girls and heels = Good walk home entertainment.
As we are walking, J is in front of us and somehow is staying up. Then all of a sudden she stumbles and hit the deck…BOOM! She picks herself back up and lo and behold she ripped her pants directly over her asshole. All of us behind her were like WTF!!!!
Being the sexual vulture I am, I sweep in and cover her butthole and walk her back to her apartment.
Now the party starts. When she said her apartment was small I expected a studio. This was like a hobbit hole but without the green fields and charming entrance. I barely fit through the door. But we get in and start going at it…
I am drunk so I defile this girl for about 2 hours making her do things she probably will never do again. We pass out in her twin bed with her 125 lab (I liked the dog more then her ).
In the middle of the night I get up and feel around and think HOLY SHIT, I pissed the bed!!! So I stumble ever so softly over to the bathroom take off my underroos and splash some water and perfume on my crotch…hide my boxers in the kitchen and head back out to the bedroom. And to my surprise, guess who rolled over and laid directly in this massive piss stain? I hop into bed on the other side pet the beast of a dog and go to sleep.
I wake up next morning to her crying. She is so embarrassed that SHE pissed the bed. I told her it was no big deal and it happens. I say I should go… she says let's do it again… and like the gentlemen I get her number and say for sure. I run into the hobbit hole kitchen grab the evidence of the pissed underroos and stroll down the streets of Baltimore with such a gleam on my face that it brought some light to the otherwise gloomy day.
After pissing on several girls floors thanks to wild nights I just started owning that shit. No better way to ensure a one-night stand only lasts for one night. Here's how most of those weird conversations went:
Her: “Eh-Ma-Gad, did you pee on my floor?”
Me: “Probably. I have issues. And if I'm being honest we're both lucky it wasn't shit like the last time.”
So here’s the story about my high school graduation party that will be appreciated by any true bro.
To start it from the beginning, just like any young bro graduating from high school getting ready to enter college life, you need one for sure thing, EPIC grad party! About a week before the festivities began, I was outside in my front yard enjoying a nice summer day, when I notice this babe hanging out outside next door. My neighbor, who was originally from England, moved to America to play pro soccer. Needless to say it didn’t work out and he became an accountant, the American dream huh? Well my neighbor had a small boy and little girl so I was confused as to what this smoke show was doing playing around kicking a soccer ball in the front yard. Jet black hair, crystal blue eyes, huge donk, decent rack, def one to add to the collection. So I ended up going inside to have my mom tell me the girl is my neighbors niece, she is originally from England but lives in Spain and she is here for a couple more weeks until summer is over. The good news is…she was coming to my grad party.
A week goes by and I get glimpses of this warlock but could not get the opportunity to talk to her, but today was the big day, GRAD PARTY! The girl comes over looking prime time as ever, questioning why American’s love keg stands so much. Just like any piece of filet in a pack of wolves, all my bros were on her. Her thick British was just hook line and sinker for us horny American teens and everyone was trying to figure out who would slay this precious dragon. Knowing that I was the keeper of the household, the sexy Brit stayed by my side as the day went on as I introduced her to my friends.
So night time falls and me and this chick are pretty tuned up. She asked me if I smoke pot and replied with a complimentary joint and we continued to smoke it on my front lawn. A little more flirting and touching and before you know it, hardcore make out sesh. Being absolutely shit canned I just had to ask, “So you wanna go upstairs”. With a graceful “I would love to” (Spice girls voice) we headed up as I handed her a one way ticket to Poundtown, USA. For the record my party was still going on while this was happening.
After she had her way with me and I had my way with her twice, we laid in bed. Now it was my first European chick I ever banged and they are definitely into some kinky shit. And just like any bro after a solid bang sesh, all you wanna do is just lay down for a couple minutes. Well my smarts weren’t really kicking in, seeing as that her uncle was looking for her and the majority of the party was looking for me. As the thought crossed my mind, I heard a knocking on the door, couldn’t be any better timing MOM. I opened the door with just shorts on and no underwear as my new British friend got dressed herself, and got a solid look of hatred and discuss from my mother. All you bros can imagine out there that the people at the party got the picture, and the party was getting shut down. So the girl left to go back to her Uncle’s next door, who was currently figuring out how he was going to slaughter me for banging his brothers daughter. Luckily my pops is a huge bro and came to my rescue cause he knew I was just trying to smash some cheeks but my mom continued to remind me how much of a scumbag I was throughout the night which is very disheartening to say the least.
I woke up the next day to my dad at my door at about 8 o’clock in the morning and it was pouring outside. I had a monster hangover and had to clean up all the garbage and furniture while my dad sat and watched, punishment could’ve been worse. But I had to go to my neighbors and apologize for pile driving his niece? Yeah awkward convo. So I did the right thing and took his daughter to a movie in my Dad’s 05 Charger v8 Hemi. I figured as any proud American bro would do to a hot foreigner, I banged her in the back seat before and after the movie. WELCOME TO AMERICA!
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