You know what Friday the 13th's were like growing up as a kid with the name Jason? They. Were. Awesome. I remember always going to hang out with friends or inviting a few buddies over to play NCAA Football on Playstation. Then when I got older, things changed a lot. Playing Playstation sometimes got replaced with trying to finger chicks in my buddy's basement. And one year -- I'll never forget it -- this girl gave me a scorching handy; left my pen*s with very little skin. Boy was that a nightmare. First time I ever actually lotioned my groin just in the name of skin care. I guess what I'm saying is I'm pretty grateful for all the incredible stuff I've got to do that people not named Jason will never get to experience on a Friday the 13th. Now on to the list.
Sadly no picture could be found for this first one. I think you'll understand why once you read it.
3. Matthew Wall
Here's one you might not have heard yet. Navy veteran Matthew Wall was in a pretty bad accident when his motorcycle collided with a courtesy shuttle from a San Diego-based auto dealership. Thankfully Wall lived. His pen*s, on the other hand, was smashed something wicked. The injury was so bad that even after a successful surgery to save the phallus, Wall's dick would forever remain one full inch shorter that it started. That unquestionably sucks, but his lost length resulted in a $7.6 million settlement and a life on easy street. All for one inch of his prick! This of course begs the question: Would you give up an inch of your pen*s for $7.6 million?
2. Tim Tebow
I've slandered this bastard's name in the past but I'm not going to fight it anymore. I always say out loud that I don't like him because he doesn't f*ck chicks or drink beer or f*ck chicks. However, I find myself rooting or him every Sunday. So here ya go, Tim. Take the next-to top honors. You deserve it. After all, you did give us the most exciting game of last weekend. And since I think your run of dumb luck is coming to an end I wanted to award you this illustrious honor before it's too late. Take a moment to absorb what I've just bestowed upon you -- 2nd place for those keeping track -- but do me a favor and please don't thank Jesus Christ for it. This was all me. Same initials, but completely different core values.
1. Chris Kyle
For about 15 minutes Tebow held this top spot but then I remembered that while America's deadliest sniper (255 kills in Iraq) was on Bill O'Reilly he recalled the time in 2006 that he rammed his fist into Jesse "The Body" Ventura's face after the former governor of Minnesota said the Navy SEALs deserved to have men killed in Iraq. Kyle was on O'Reilly to promote his new book "American Sniper." Probably a good read if your looking to run through a f*cking wall. Video of his interview is below. It's a must-watch.