At times, I've worn my aversion for compiling this list on my sleeve. I even put it down for the last few weeks -- when something causes you night terrors and the inability to maintain even the most half-hearted erection, it's a sound practice to give it a rest. Today, I am picking it back up, as I realize it's a column we need to keep doing. Since we have brought on Ted Williams and his Cryogenic Head, now I have a little more time to do it. So here we f*cking go.
First week back, got a late start, testing the water, have explosive diarrhea... all of those are excuses why we only have four guys on the list this week.
4. Rory McIlroy
Poor Jay Townsend: the man never made it as a pro golfer but when he called out Rory's decision-making on Twitter he got f*cking smoked by the lad's rebuttal, "Shut up... You're a commentator and a failed golfer, your opinion means nothing." "And so does the rest of your pathetic life, you needle-dicked homo" is how I would have liked him to finish that thought.
3. Ervin Santana
I’d have to imagine that it kind of sucks to have a run on the scoreboard when you’ve just thrown a no-hitter. But in the end, a run scored or not, it's still a no-hitter. It’s like losing your virginity while tip-f*cking a girl: not the way you had hoped for it to turn out, but you’ve busted a nut, and history will recognize it nonetheless.
Birthmark from hell with the photo-bomb.
2. NFL Players Association
I’ve never had the misfortune of living in an era when football wasn’t played on Sunday. I imagine the same could be said for most people who are reading this. And yeah, life would have gone on if we were stripped of its violent goodness (this year). But thanks to these greedy f*cks (both sides are equally greedy) finally signing the CBA, we’ll get back to business as usual. Back to the good old Sundays of laziness and gluttony. Back to mother-f*cking ourselves for thinking Tony Romo is going to evolve into a fantasy god. Back to wishing Shannon Sharp could properly pronunciate words like “touchdown” and “spectacular.” Back to allowing the words "suicide" and "pool" to once again marry in such a positive and uplifting way. Back to f*cking football. Can’t wait.
1. John: U.S. Solider
Look past his TapOut t-shirt (go ahead, I have faith you can do it) because this dude gives literal meaning to the Bro of the Week. Copy from TWH’s original post tells us “John is a United States Army soldier stationed in Korea. He hasn't been home since October 2010 to see his family. John's younger brother Joshua is mentally disabled and misses his older brother terribly. John came home one night in July at midnight, and the family wanted to surprise Joshua with John's coming home.” Click here to see their emotional reunion.