5. Carmelo Anthony

Some people in our office (Knicks/NBA fans) think what he did this week is worth this nomination. My question to them still remains, what exactly was it that he did? As far as I know, he didn't win anything, overcome an obstacle of any sort, or even have a narcissistic rant of any kind. He got traded to a team in his hometown (hooray), he and his broad inked a contract for a reality show (yippy), and the Carnegie Deli named a ridiculous sandwich -- that only Dagwood could physiologically injest -- in his honor (O.K., that is pretty awesome, I'll give you that). But still, the sandwich notwithstanding, none of that other shit is really an accomplishment. It's exciting news for the city of New York and an end to yet another drawn-out man-saga, but nothing else. Below is a video that AlwaysBeChaying sent me for all you Melo maniacs to salivate over.

 

This is an extended, nearly 5-minute version, by the way. The MSG commercial is only the start of it.

 

 

("I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, Bro.")

 

3. Charlie Sheen

This verbose son of a f*ck conducted one of the most illogical, yet painfully awesome, interviews I have ever had the pleasure of hearing. As far as I am concerned he can do and say whatever he wants. When you've plowed over 5,000 women and shot down all of your addictions with mind bullets, you've earned that right.

 

 

 

Sure it's only one victory in once race on one track. But, it's the victory that all others covet and one of only two races and tracks that the general public knows or cares about. Winning the Daytona 500 in your first try, at a mere 20 years old is some kind of feat -- it's the stock car equivalent of losing your virginity before you reach your teens. Or something like that. Now the question is, will Bayne save NASCAR? The f*ck if I know that answer, I don't watch that shit. 

 

We have a tie for number one...

 

 

 

1. Tucker Haas

None of us need to endue cancer to know it's a mother f*cker. An unfathomable amount of lives are lost because of it every year. But this little inspiration somehow managed to beat it and Penn State honored him this week at THON. I think we can all agree that it is great to hear stories like that. While I'm on this soap box, I'd like to say that if  I was a wizard, like God, good people and kids like Tucker Haas would forever be spared the agony of cancer. Instead, criminals would get it the moment they committed a heinous crime. Rape a girl? Boom! Inoperable brain tumor. Justice and population control all in one. Now that I've put that into the universe, it's your move, God.

 

 

 

1. U.S. Soldier/Riot Grenade Testing Facility

Yeah, I'd say he is an entire facility. I've seen people lay on the ground longer after a child punches them in their gut. This guy was back on both feet in under a minute. And one other thing, he didn't just take a riot grenade to his ribs, he did it without being 100% ready. If you watch the video, you'll notice that his f*cking "comrade" fired it before he was supposed to. Guy's probably just jealous that Johnny Badass here needs a wheelbarrow to carry his balls in while his nards couldn't even fill a coin purse.