I know this column is a few days late but let's not sit here and point fingers like a bunch of assh*les. AND, before we kick it off, I want to remind you that next week we’re running our best hook-up stories from College Welcome Week, Freshman Orientation, or whatever you’d like to call the first week of school (God, do I miss it). If your submission is chosen and published you’ll get a free t-shirt or party tank of your choice from the Brash Brothers' shop. See here for details and submit your stories here.
This is the story of how I left my own artwork at the Louvre. This past semester I studied abroad in Paris. It was pretty dope in general, as would be expected. At the beginning of the semester I was hooking up with this chick (she was American, unfortunately) that lived not very far from me. We both were living with French host families and our programs were very strict about having other students over without permission, especially for a late-night rendezvous.
One night we were walking home together, it was probably around 2 or 3am, and to get home we had to walk by the Louvre, not bad at all. At night, the big courtyard where the pyramids are was closed-off by some flimsy barricades, so we decide to walk around. It’s beautiful and not gonna lie pretty romantic so obviously we start fooling around. No one was there so we have the whole courtyard to ourselves, and it becomes pretty clear we could easily f*ck. So I say to her “hey, we could easily f*ck, “ and she agrees. With no condom and her not being on the pill I was forced to pull out when I came. This was during the winter so I had laid my jacket down to give us something to lay on. Not wanting to cover my jacket in camembert-enriched splooge, I (to quote Seth Green) Jackson Pollacked all over the steps of the Louvre. Pretty sure my life is all downhill from here.
You know, for all my years and all the inappropriate things I've done I've never defaced well-known public property with jizz. Feel inadequate.
Anyway, this next guy also studied abroad in France, and he f*cked one, too.
I was recently in France for 7 weeks on a school program. There were 25 people, 15 girls and 10 guys. Right off the bat, me and a couple other guys identified the two girls worthy of attention. One of my friends immediately picked up one of them (who we later realized was not worth our attention, because frankly, she sucked. And not in the good take-all-my-cum sort of way). I was pretty into her friend, and I was really hoping for something, considering I was coming off a three-month dry spell.
Anyway, after about a week, I invite this girl over to my homestay, because I was seriously in the mood. To my honest surprise, she comes. I kick out my two roommates, one of whom was being a real dick about leaving. So we're hooking up and out of nowhere, she just started blowing me. And it was fantastic. After like 10 minutes, my f*cking roommate walked in and says he forgot his phone. I grabbed the nearest thing to me and whipped it at him, but sadly it was a pillow, so it did not get the intended effect. I wanted start again, but the girl decided she wasn't down anymore. So she left and I flipped out at my sh*tbag roommate.
Fast-forward another week. This girl had gotten strep, so I didn't want to see her at all for the entire week. But the day she got better, I invited her over and kicked my roommates out again. This time I made sure to steal their keys so they couldn't get back in. So this girl started blowing me again and then suddenly her phone starts ringing. IT WAS HER F*CKING BOYFRIEND. I had no idea that this girl was in a relationship. She figured it was a good idea to answer it. While she's talking to him, she looks me dead in the eyes and mouths the words "enter me." I didn't argue.
So I'm f*cking this girl, who, by the way, was a pro, while she talked to her boyfriend. She hung up and I asked what that was about, and she said casually, "He was calling to say happy anniversary. We've been together for two years today." I was about to stop because I felt like an ass’s hole, but she would have none of that. So we kept having sex, the whole time I'm thinking, "I'm the scum of the earth." This might be a good time to mention I was not wearing a condom, as I did not think I was gonna get laid today. So I finish up inside of her, which she seemed to be pretty cool with, so I assumed she was on the pill. We kept f*cking for until the end of the program. We said our goodbyes at the airport and I figured that would be the end of it. I was wrong.
I got a call from her like 10 days later saying she's late. I was like, "well, it's probably your boyfriend's" to which she replies "we haven't had sex since I got back." So I started freaking the f*ck out and asking all my bros for money to pay for an abortion, until she called me 3 days later saying that she got her period. Needless to say, I'll probably never talk to this girl again. That was the greatest 5 weeks of my life followed by the scariest 72 hours ever.
Next we have a story about a Bro's first tour inside a MILF.
So one Friday night me and my friends are having a little get together in my friend’s front yard to celebrate the end of his social life (the birth of his son) so we are all ripping down Jell-O shots and passing around bottles of whiskey when the neighbors start to come and join the party after all the noise. So my friend’s next-door neighbor is 35, not bad looking for having 3 kids, and she’s a hard partier.
About 15 minutes after her walking over she’s sh*tfaced and sitting on my lap trying to suck my face off. I tell her to tone it down a bit cause the nights still young, I’m not nearly drunk enough yet, and 2 of her sons were outside watching everything.
Soo a few hours goes by and I realize I have nowhere to sleep so I decide to wander over to the neighbors and see if she’s still up. I knock on the door wearing nothing but my boxers and who answers but her 9-year-old son, I quickly pull up my pants and ask if his mother is home. A few moments later she comes to the door completely naked and still completely wasted. She drags me into her room rips off my pants and starts going to town.
After I bust my load all over her face she says she wants to f*ck so I make her suck me off until I’m hard again. I start searching for a condom and cant find one so I say f*ck it a raw dog it. Now let me tell you if you haven’t f*cked a MILF make it a priority cause this lady sucked me and f*cked me like no other.
Now back to the part where I’m raw dogging her, so we are going at it like crazy when all of a sudden her door opens and there’s not just 1 but 2 of her sons, the 9 year old and the 15 year old and for me this is weird as f*ck cause I’m only 19 at the time so I try to cover myself up and she just looks at me and says “don’t stop I’m almost done” and closes the door in her kid’s face (haha).
The next morning I wake up naked in this broad’s bed, quietly grab my clothes and sneak out without waking anyone up and walk back to my friend’s house next door to find his dad making biscuits and gravy for breakfast. I haven’t talked to my friends neighbor since and every time I’ve been back to his house she’s nowhere to be found but I’d be down for a drunken round 2 with this MILF. I’ve been trying to bag another MILF but she still remains my only one but hopefully not for long.
That does it for today. Check back all next week for our Back-to-School Hook Up Heroes Sex Bonanza (unofficial name I just gave it) and submit your stories here.