So this didn't actually happen to me, it involved my friend. He's not a big of fan of these kinds of websites, but this story was too awesome/hilarious to pass up on. Anyway, my one friend went to Howard and was literally the poster child of that school: 4.0 GPA, beast athlete, total ladies man, he literally was like Will Smith from the Fresh Prince. Anyway, he studied abroad one semester and went to Jamaica. One night while he's at the bars he meets this one chick. They start talking and flirting and next thing you know he's back at her place making the beast with two backs.
Next morning he gets her number and leaves. As he's heading home she texts while he's in the cab,m “You're now the second fastest man in the world.” Confused he responds with, “What do you mean.” She then proceeds to send her a picture of her standing over another random dude from a previous night in her bed. Only this wasn't some random dude. It was Usain Bolt. My firend was eskimo brothers with “Lightning Bolt” himself. To this day he still brags about it.
Second fastest? That means he lasted longer than Usain Bolt himself? Perhaps that girl doesn't understand how to make a joke.
So as per usual on any given weekend when my friends and I wanna get shit-housed and go make out with sluts, we go to our local country bar, Ranchmans.
This night was no different. We all crushed copious amounts of beer until we were on the verge of not being able tell our right hand from the left, but coherent just enough to be able to grab a girl's hand and bring her to the dance floor and throw her drunkenly around in what we think are our superb two-step moves.
Well, I am just wrecked and am dancing with some girl, when all the sudden some random chick in all black and librarian glasses just grabs me. Initially, I'm a little taken back, but then realize this new one is better looking.
We start sucking face on the dance floor and next thing I know I am trying to convince my buddy to let me take her back to his basement because my fucking relatives have taken over my entire damn house.
He concedes after he finds out that this girl has a cute cousin she's here with. We leave with them and hop in a cab. Unfortunately for him, this cute cousin wants to go home. I dont give a shit, so we drop her off and make our to my buddy' s house.
Once there I take her downstairs and cash in my one-way ticket to pound town. This girl has two nipple rings, a clit ring and she is crazy, squirming around, whispering dirty things in my ear, stuff that would probably make preist at a confession booth gag.
Then, my buddy comes downstairs.
“Hey guys, I'm gonna make some popcorn, do you want any”"
In unison, “NO! Fuck off!”
“Jeeze alright, maybe some water? How about a threesome?”
I just look at her and kind of shrug, I mean it is his house, his parents are home and yet he is such a bro that he's letting me bang some random on his sectional leather couch that makes suction farting noises every time we move.
She just rolls her eyes and tells us to both get fucked.
Now, my buddy likes to think he is a pretty funny guy, which he is, just that this humour is usually directed at someone in the form of a
He releases his hyperactive, year-and-a-half old poodle, whose not fixed, downstairs. It knows me and mid-fuck I am being attacked by this furry fucking dog. I am trying to push this fucker off me, but it's a big puppy and thinks it's a game, so he's nipping at me, pawing at me all the while I am on top of this girl. She surprisingly keeps her cool while I am losing my shit. My buddy's at the top of the stairs pissing his pants, pissing his pants even more as his fucking dog starts humping my naked body. Well there you go. A fucking threesome. Here I am trying to fuck this girl while this dog is attempting to fuck me.
WHAT THE FUCK?
I literally grab the dog by the collar and throw him off me.
My buddy calls off the hound after seeing me in my fit of rage
Well, the moment is ruined, so were now just lying on the couch. She takes this as a chance to break the tension that had amounted after the dog rape.
“Well I should probably show you my kids then”
Me: “What? I think I should call you a cab…”
While waiting for the cab, she is showing me pictures and videos of her three-year-old son and six-year old daughter, both who have some mental disease. I am not some insensitive asshole, I have volunteered with kids with special needs before, but I feel really weird.
Shes showing me a video of what she calls “My downey girl” running haphazardly towards the camera, tripping here and there, while she is just cackling with laughter. She's affectionately calling them her ”downers”. I am feeling really weird.
The cab shows up and I hop in with so I can get a ride to my house, which isn't to far away.
She's insisting I take her number so I can meet the family? What the Fuck. As I get out I just tell her I'll call her tomorrow.
You should probably call her. She definitely likes you.
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[Sprinter image via Shutterstock]