Life
by J. Camm on December 5, 2013

Q: So a while back I was at a bachelor party and fucked a stripper/hooker or whatever they call themselves at the time. About a week later I notice an itch that ended up being the clap. During the same period I was messing around with this one chick who is a lil bit of a slut as afwb. Well, said slut a couple years prior gave one of my bros the clap. Was it wrong of me to return the clap to her in my bro's name or should I have kept it under wraps? Bros before hoes?

A: Uhhhhhh…

/stares at blinking cursor

/scratches head

/claws scrotum because talk of the clap makes dick itch something extravagant

/stares at blinking cursor some more

/rinse and repeat

Giving someone the clap, especially if you know your cock or queef pouch is fraught with its glory, is fucked up. I think everyone knows that. I HOPE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. Hell, it might also be illegal (someone look that up). However, I'm not sure if that's the brand of shit that went down here. To me, this sounds like you got it from unprotected stripper sex (cue song) and gave it to this girl before you knew you had it. Now you feel badly about what's transpired and you're trying to justify it in your brain — by way of making yourself the hero, Captain Clap: The Round of Applause Vigilante — because once upon a time she gave it to your friend. 

Look. What's done is done. And what's done is royally fucked if it went down how you described it. But I don't think it did. So feel bad about your recklessness, maybe learn from it (or don't, we're not banging the same chicks so what's it to me?) and move on. Trying to convince yourself that you fell on this sword in your Bro's honor is a cool story to tell your friends but likely maddening and disturbing information to anyone else. Information that you should keep to yourself for the next 100 years. 

Q: So me and my bros were having a conversation, and the topic of buttholes came up. I said that if the opportunity arose, I would definitely toss a girl's salad. I'm not saying I'd do it all the time, or that I'm seeking it out, but that I'd like to try it once. My boys said they'd never try it. Am I fucked up for wanting to try it, or are they just being close-minded and soft? 

A: The marriage of my tongue and another human's asshole is not one that I ever foresee happening without a gun involved or me being incarcerated first. Of course there are exceptions to that, e.g. Mankind's continued existence relies solely on me tornado tonguing some chick's shit cooker. Then I'd obviously have to do it, because while I'm not the hero Civilization wants, I'm the one it needs. 

Does my complete lack of try-it-once desire mean I'm going to fault you for wanting to try it, though? Nope. I'm as live-and-let-live as they come. I think it's fucking gross as shit, because there will actually be rouge flecks of shit burrowing their way into your cheeks and gums, giving you trench mouth or something. But I don't care what anyone else does with their tongue, their dick, or even their hands, so long as they thoroughly wash at least the latter before preparing a nice meal for me.

Toss on, Tosser. 

Timeout to get to know me a little better.  

So yeah, this is me. Without fail, this is ALWAYS me. In fact, this will forever be me. And I've grown to love that about myself. 

Q: I'm a chick who needs advice from a wise, manly, and undeniably sexy bro. I have the hots for my guy friend's brother. With the encouragement of our mutual friends, I asked him out and got friend-zoned (Yes, it happens to ladies, too). Bro doesn't have game and his best friend told me I'm better than all his exes combined. I think I still have a shot with him, but is it true that a chick can actually get out of the friend zone? Also, is it even bro for a chick to ask out her friend's brother or does that violate bros before hoes?

A: Answer this: Do you think he's into you, but he's just a miserable dolt incapable of scooping up even the slowest ground ball hit directly at his glove? Or, are you legitimately in the friend zone and this guy is fully aware he put you there?

If you think your situation is found in the second question, pack up your shit, swallow your pride, and head out the fucking door, because in real life people don't magically realize they love someone they stuck in the friend zone. 

Forget what his friend told you, too. Just because his bro said you're better than everyone this guy has ever dated doesn't mean he feels the same way or that his best friend's statement was even the truth. What was he supposed to tell you? Seriously. He certainly wasn't going to blurt out, “Face it, Francine, John will never be into someone who looks and smells like you. Plus, he heard a rumor that your pussy smells hella rank.”

Well, maybe he will break and say that someday, but only if he gets his erections from shitting on a chick's heart or you take too long to get the fucking hint.

People lie all the time to make other people feel better about being shot down. If anyone knows the truth as to why this cat isn't into you it's his best pal.

BUT, if you know that he's into you, then things might eventually work out. Just make some really obvious sexual advances at him.

And now a GIF!

Q: Me and my close group of bros all know this one girl and we all want to smash, but one of the bros really likes this chic and says we can't smash because it would be “breaking the bro code” Should I still smash or no?

A: Well, dude who writes like a caveman talks, that all depends. And I've answered this at least five times before. So I'm going to keep this brief. 

- Friend just started to try and get with this girl when all of a sudden your dick realized it liked her too: NO SMASH

- Friend's efforts over several months have all been futile and she will never be his: SMASH

- Friend called “dibs” out of nowhere while everyone was discussing her hotness: SMASH, and then show him the photos of what you did to his precious dibs call. Especially if what you did was anal.

Q: Hey bro. I tend to make some douchy decisions so I'm here asking for your advice. I'm in college and Ive been dating this chick for about 7 months. She's got a decent rack and a spectacular donk, not to mention she's a talented rider. The sex was great at first, she cums, I cum, all around a good time. But lately things have been getting kind of old. We still do the same shit but I guess I just feel like Ive been there and done that. I brought up the possibility of anal and my girl totally shot me down. To be honest that kind of made me want to break up with her. I'm not feening for the booty that much, but I just feel like there's no where for us to go sexually and to be honest that's kind of boring. I'm no sexual deviant but she just doesn't seem to be open to anything past doggy. Would it be a dick move to cut things of? Should I be thankful I have a daily dose of vagina or should I end it and go off in search of a freak in the sheets?

P.S.I had an hour long discussion with some of my bros about this in our common room.  Would you rather bang out Kate Upton once but her bra has to stay on the whole time or bang Katy Perry twice but have to deal with her annoying drunk dials for the next two weeks?

A: Congratulations, you've just learned that everything in life gets stale. Bread, your job, sex with the same person, Ron Burgundy, hobbies, songs of the summer, news about Rob Ford… EVERYTHING has a shelf life. Hell, you grew up in the golden age of free Internet porn. You can't even jerk off to a clip more than once. THIS SHOULD NOT BE NEWS TO YOU. 

If you like the girl enough to get through it and forge on, try to do that. If you don't see a future with her find someone else who is more experimental. But I'll tell you right now, you're going to get sick and tired of that routine too.

And your P.S. is tough to answer, but I'm going with Upton because I recall Russell Brand saying sex with Perry was as pedestrian as it comes. Which is coincidentally something you know a thing or two about.

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[STD image via ShutterStock]