Life
by J. Camm on April 22, 2013

So I just broke up with my girlfriend today (the needy and obsessive kind that feared me leaving for study abroad in Europe for the summer, Yeah that kinda thing) and I decided to go out to a “I do not give a shit where I end up or whom I end up with tonight” kind of party.

The party I was at was composed of friends I had met on a spring break trip and per usual on the Southside, we were getting fucked up. Moonshine, cigarettes, jello shots; that sort of thing plus some pong and nostalgic clutter. Anyways, the night goes on and the clock strikes 12:59pm April 19th, 2013. In a minute, we're about to light up as tradition begs us to. So the remaining attendees at the party walk out back and partake — at this point it's mostly girls and me and my one good buddy.

Drunk as fuck and high as hell, wasted among my top nights of all time, I walk back with a small group.

Moving forward, I realize I still have half a joint with me and ask the girl next to me if she want to rip it up. She consents and we speed ahead about a block on the south-side of Pittsburgh and turn at Primanti Brothers', the epitome and long-time commemorative of Pittsburghese Cuisine.

Behind the famous and fabled sandwich shop in a private alley-way, I light up the joint (again, obviously to celebrate the holiday of 4-20) and we start smoking then shit gets close. Me and this chick start hooking up, she grabs the crotch, and we all know what happens next. My new lady friend whips out my Andrew Johnson and goes down for it. Sparing the details, I'm shocked and yet enjoying myself. Being the whiskey dick I am after multiple sangrias and Michelobs, I took some time then cordially invited the lass farther back and to do something even more fun, she smiled and exclaimed for more so I did my job right and well. I leaned her up and against some crates and bought a first-class ticket to pound-town. The rest, as they say, is history.

We smoked whatever we hadn't finished, then we walked back to campus together and just chatted real casual. Goddammit, I liked the chill factor with this chick. We've agreed to do something weird again like we did. I thought that was pretty awesome, fucking like we did back there in public; The only regret I had was not getting a Primanti's “to-go” afterwards.

And did I rebound pretty well or what?

Is it still a rebound if you are the one who did the dumping? Not sure, but if your ex reads this it will definitely make her cry real human tears.

NEXT!

Freaks are freaks. And as simple as that is I didn't fully understand it until last night.

Last semester, I hooked up with this girl a couple times. She was a solid 7.5, nothing too special. Then, out of the blue I see her roommate out last night. Two minutes later we're making out and ten more minutes she's already blowing me.

If you're wondering how that happened in eight minutes it's because I live directly across the street from the bar. As she's blowing me she tells me to call her a slut (freaky shit #1). I oblige. Now dirty talk is going down and she drops the line, “I want you to dominate me” (freaky shit #2). Again, I happily oblige.

So I flip her over and accidentally stick it in her butt..whoops. A few minutes later, I decide to accomplish a bucket list goal: I grab her hand and lead her over to my third floor balcony. No joke, she's blowing me outdoors overlooking the school's most popular bar (sex freak shit #3), butt ass naked — zero clothes.

Soon, realizing that there are cops outside the bar, we stumble back into my bedroom. At this point I'm drunk to the point where I'm just gonna have to jerk myself off. As if on cue the girl says, “I want you to cum on my face” (freaky shit #4).

First pump of jizz misses wide left — still really disappointed about that — but to my satisfaction I still nail her a few times on the chin. I'm no hero but this ought to be the most heralded moment of my life.

I wake up the next morning with a sizable patch of skin missing from my dick… Must have rubbed it off in the heat of the moment. Question is: did I have a good night?

Sitting here, bleeding from the dick and hoping this makes it on the best blog in 'merica.

The flippant cock sucker who wrote that last story failed to use punctuation or capitalize even one word in his entire submission. I hope that patch missing from his dick was not a wound, but leprosy. Fuck you, pal.

NEXT!

So, spur of the moment me and some of my college bros decide to make the 11 hour drive to ATL to support our wolverines in the final four. The drive down was pretty uneventful, except for a stop at the University of Kentucky. Damn, Kentucky sorostitutes… Saturday, we got to see our wolverines beat down on Syracuse (PS…fuck cuse fans). Fast forward to Sunday night, me and my bros rolled over to Emory to meet up with a high school friend and his bros to go to a concert. The second I walked into the room, I spotted some females, one who gave me a pretty long glance, we will call her Sara.

We introduced, and I immediately got “the look”. My suspicions were confirmed when she and her girlfriends left to the concert, and she immediately texted my high school friend, “I want to hook up with ******”. Ten shots and a 40 ounce later, we arrive at the venue in downtown ATL, and immediately we start sucking face. I was blacking in and out at the concert, but my bros eventually told me I was fingers deep on the dance floor…real classy. After the concert ended, we all packed into a cab to go back to emory to smoke and chill. Apparently she was pretty excited, as she started giving me OTPHJ in the back seat of the van cab.

Her friends were giving us looks, but I really couldn't give two shits at that point. We eventually stumble into my friends dorm, grab the bud, and head outside to smoke. This girl smoked out 8 of us and even packed her own bowl…wife material. Once we were sufficiently cross faded, Sara looked at me, said she was tired and started walking back to the dorm. Being the gentleman that Iam, I walked her back. Unfortunately, her roomate, my bros girlfriend, was studying for her test the next day, so her room was off limits. I was not ready to let this night end, so we walked around until she led me to the community kitchen area. Before I know it, her top is off, and I am motor boating her like a true sailor. After almost getting caught, we move behind the vending machine. She starts goin down on me to what I swear is the best dome I have ever received. This girl had this one incredible move, that I could only later describe to my bros as “the turbine”. After receiving my “georgia dome”, I walked her back to her room, where, since, everyone had reconvened. She told me to let her know if I ever come back down, and then me and my boys walked back to our hotel. While I did not seal the deal, it was definitely a success. Cross southern head off the bucket list.

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[Sex in public image via ShutterStock]