More stories, we NEED more stories. I know you guys are doing deplorable sh*t on a weekly basis, so kindly send it in. Right here. Thanks.
It’s my freshman year of college, and as you fraternity bros out there know, my life was a mix of horrible and wild, as I was in the full swing of pledging. I finally decide who to bring to our formal, and couldn’t be happier with my date. She’s the perfect formal date: total smoke, loves to party as much as I do, and most importantly, loves to f*ck.
Fast-forward to the night of the formal dinner. The entire fraternity and their respective dates are at the beautiful bar with a porch overlooking the ocean, getting completely trashed. After the bar we head to a sweet mansion on the beach, which the fraternity had rented specifically for the purpose of throwing a beach bash. Blondie and I had been chilling all night, and I know she’s into me so I’m not even that pressed on getting with her since I know its basically inevitable at this point (I mean sh*t, I paid like $250 for us to go on this trip…the least I can get is a cooler and some sex).
Anyway, we’re in this party, getting just buckwild, shots, beers, lines of coke, whip-its, blunts…you name it, people are doing it. Keep in mind, I’m a pretty experienced partier, but this is by far, BY FAR the most f*cked up I’ve ever been. Blondie had been (almost) keeping up with me all night, matching me shot for shot and line for line. Looking back, I’m honestly surprised she made it out of that night alive.
We finally stumble our way back to our suite, where she convinces me to get in the hot tub with her. This hot tub is on the porch of our suite, which is on the 16th floor of a hotel overlooking the gulf of Mexico, and Blondie’s in a tiny bikini that’s getting me hard just looking at her…safe to say, the view was f*cking awesome (and not just of the water). So we start playing around in the hot tub, and before I know it, Blondie climbs on top of me and just starts riding my cock like there’s no tomorrow. And I couldn’t be happier at this point: I’m beyond f*cked up, having sex with a smoke WHILE enjoying the sea breeze and arguably the best view of any ocean I’ve ever seen. It’s (literally) a fantasy coming true.
I turn her around for a while and start hitting it from behind while she bends over the edge of the tub, both of us staring out over the gulf. It would’ve been romantic, but this was straight f*cking, not making love. Then after a while she gets back on top, with her back to the sea and her big chest facing the window of the suite. All of a sudden, I see Blondies eye widen in shock, she screams, hops out of the hot tub, and wraps a towel around herself. I turn around to see what’s going on and notice a pair of eyes peeking through the blinds. So I go inside to the master bedroom, and lo and behold, there’s about 9 upperclassmen brothers sitting in a semi circle, just drinking beer and watching me get my f*ck on. I’m not even pissed, because it’s just too awesome.
Finally, my boy, the Italian, goes “you jizz in there?” Obviously I hadn’t, I’m way too drunk and on way too many drugs to have even a fleeting chance of finishing. So the nine of them go back out there and chill in the hot tub for a few more hours while Blondie and I go to sleep. I didn’t even realize until the next morning that even though I was the pledge, I had the last laugh: I may not have came in the hot tub, but Blondie definitely did, and they were swimming around in it all night.
I don't even know what to think about that story. Was half of it retold to him the next day? I mean, I wish I could say on the night I was "BY FAR the most f*cked up I've ever been" all I did was not bust a nut and remember everything. That would have been far better than what happened (See #1).
My roommate and I were RA's junior year in college, so knowing we were the Law in the dorms, We dedicated the entire year strictly to poppin' off on these hoes.
So one weekend, my roommate invited these IM Volleyball bitties over to pregame. He told me he was trying to dick one of them down and asked me to wingman him. I agreed initially until I saw the girl's friend.
This bitty, I'll call her Lynn, was easily 5'11, 190lb (I’m am neither by a long shot). She had to be juicing, but a bro's got to stand by his word. We start killing handles ASAP and before we even go to leave the dorm, we each were making out with the jawns. I instantly regret it, but she was into me so I played along. Worse case scenario, I'd sneak a Beej out of it.
So we hit parties to meet up with friends until we settled down to smoke bowls at my friend Kirby's ground floor apartment. Then Lynn says she wanted to go outside and smoke a cig and I should come with. I do and we end up making out again (on my tip-toes, no less. It felt like when you try to dunk but can only touch rim.) So while stepping up onto a barbecue grill against Kirby's window for leverage, she proceeds to kneel all the down and starts blowing me. Flawless technique. I send a text to my f*cked up roommate that I'm taking her back to the crib and give me 2 hours. I take her home and find out she's cycling, so she just ends up finishing what she started on the grill.
Just as she's bobbleheading on the meat, my roommate stumbles into the room with the other Volleyball biddy from before, and they start going at it. So there I was, getting the wettest, most technical, 6 foot blowjob of my life, with my roommate is slamming his girl in the next bed. Im focusing on Lynn, until I hear hysterical laughter from the other Volleyball girl. I assume either someone farted or slipped it in the stink, and thought nothing of it. I was on cloud 9 with Sasha Grey-Vujacic over here.
So after we're done, I’m falling asleep and she tells me "You know when you were pushing down on my head when I was blowing you? I love that". Only thing is, my hands were behind my head, Karl Malone style throughout the entire blow job. Being tired, I just ignored her comment and fell into a nut-induced-coma without addressing it. The next day, during the Saturday morning brunch recap, I asked my roommate wtf happened and why they were laughing. Turns out, he saw Lynn bobbleheading, and decided it'd be hilarious to pull out of his girl and repeatedly palm slam the back of Lynn's head over and over and was dying laughing the whole time. I then told him what Lynn had said, and we f*cking lost our sh*t. The whole time she was blowing me my roommate was pushing her head down on my cock. She never found out, but to this day, the story lives on as "The John Stockton: The Ultimate Assist."
I've got to hand it to him, of all the stories we've ever published for this column, I've never seen such interesting word choices (bobbleheading, bitties, JAWNS!) used from start to finish. I'm not so sure that's a good thing, but it's a thing, nonetheless.
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