by J. Camm on May 20, 2013

One of my best friends is getting married in June so, naturally, we think of something badass to do for his bachelor party. Because it was damn near impossible to get all the groomsmen's schedules lined up, we decided to take a cruise this past January. So, the 5 of us went on a 5 day Carnival cruise and it was awesome. We snuck 9 handles of liquor on board (barely spent any money on the ship) and had a blast.


So on the second night I meet this milf from California who approached me in the shitty excuse for a club the ship has. She tells me she had seen me before and asked if I wanted to smoke. We end up getting high but my roomies come back before anything else goes down so she freaks out and leaves (don't worry it doesn't end there).

Fast forward to the second to last day where, after getting falling-down drunk on the deck I meet this cute Hispanic little number. She hangs for a bit, then casually asks if I want to go and shower in her room before dinner. Um, duh? So we go to her room and immediately start going at it. She's riding me like a I'm a champion steed and I get to lay my drunk ass back and enjoy the view. Then the greatest thing ever happens: her phone goes off and she has to be at a business meeting in 10 minutes. So before she can leave, she goes down on me and swallows (like a champ) and then has to leave. Every man's dream.


Now remember the milf? So she comes back into play after the club that same night while we're getting pizza. She sees me, grabs me by the arm at 3am and tells me to come to her room. We start going at it in the hallway on the way to her room while doing one of those “I'm way too fucked up and so are you and we're shamelessly horny so let's just grab ass and dick all the way there” moves. She's giving me head talking all this crazy dirty shit about younger guys and how she's gonna rock my world. We fuck all over her room and, if you haven't fucked a milf yet, do it. They got moves for days. So I pull out and have her blow me so I can finish in her mouth too (if you couldn't tell it's my go-to move) and then hilariously get my shit and bolt while she's yelling for me to stay. What did she think I was gonna do, cuddle? Bitch I can barely see. I ain't bout that life.

All in all I know it was only two, but I got the most poonanny while on a bomb ass vacation with my bros, and I made some awesome new friends while we were at it. Can't wait to do it again next winter.


P.S. Took the same cruise a year before but those hook up stories are to come

P.S.S. the ship we rode on was the same ship that famously broke down in the gulf a mere two months later AKA the Shit Ship.


A couple months ago, I hooked up with this girl, we'll call her 'Goggles'.


After randomly meeting Goggles at my school bar, I was told she had a boyfriend, but it wasn't one of my friends, so what do I care, right? Anyway, after a couple of days of random texting, the chick BREAKS UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND OF TWO YEARS just so she can take a ride. Being the gentleman that I am, I of course politely oblige.

She meets me out at a very popular bar, and by 1:00am I am so shitfaced that I'm sucking face with this girl at a table full of my friends, and horny enough that I decide we're leaving. The only problem is, we had to head back to (and I'm not proud of this) my parents' house to get the job done. So, I get her inside and literally throw her on the bed.


We start doing our thing, and she says something that pisses me off, so I decide to flip her over to finish. A few minutes later I ask “can I cum on you?” to which she answers in an uppity way “no!” This frustrates me so I cum on her anyway. I then giggle myself to sleep.

The next morning we wake up, and I'm happier than a pig in shit, until I hear my dear mother clattering around downstairs making noise. So I'm contemplating various solutions to my problem (“seriously, baby, the window's not THAT far off the ground”) when I hear the door shut. Knowing that she's running my father to work, I call my bro in a panic. “Dude you have to help me get this chick out of here before my mom gets home.”


In true bro fashion, he obliges, and we drive this poor, stunned, seed-stained girl home. As she opens the door to get out, I say to her “See you later!” and as soon as the door shut behind her, I turn to my bro: “… and we never saw her again.”

Mission complete.

Great postscript to this story: her jackoff boyfriend got back together with her after this debacle, and still intermittently drunk calls/texts/threatens me. Whatever buddy, you tried to turn a hoe into a housewife, that's on you.


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