Life
by J. Camm on December 17, 2012

Surprisingly, there was only one “Fast-forward” used in today's stories. That could be a record. Diving in. 

It was one of those nights where confidence was at an all-time high. In other words; I felt I could fuck any girl that crossed my sight who gave me the slightest chub. I made it my goal to have a Tucker Max-esque evening, and that I did. Having my at the time “friend with benefits who was more like a girlfriend” calling me every other second to pre-game with for what felt like 9 hours straight, only ignited my inner bro fire and made me want to do bad things. I proceeded to ignore her annoying calls and texts, and drank beers with the other bros in the dorm room. Before we decided to make our way to the first house party of the night, I turned to my roommate and said, “Bro, I guarantee I hook up with several girls tonight and still end up in FWBG’s (“friend with benefits girlfriend) bed by the end of the night.

Now you may think I am a dick for doing such a thing to my “girlfriend” or whatever you wanna call her, but I knew she had been up to no good as of late, and this was only sweet revenge.

As my few roommates and our other drunken girl friends are walking to the house party, we come across roommate #1’s booty call, Scuba Sandra. We used to call her this because my roommate fucked her in a shower raw dog after meeting her for 4 and a half minutes, and realized afterwards that he should have worn scuba diving gear before entering her chamber of secrets, or lack thereof. Anyway, roommate #1 stumbles over to the side of a random house to break the seal, which leaves an opening for me to start off my wild night. I lean over to my other roommate and simply say, “Watch this”. I walk over to Scuba Sandra, say something stupid, and start making out with her. Before roommate #1 gets back, we’re all marching onwards to the house party. Finally we reach the party, and enter to see at least 100 people dancing to house music in the living room. The lights are on, and everyone seems even more hammered than they would at a party with the lights off. I immediately run into my good friend from home’s little sister (freshman) standing next to one of the shortest girls you will ever see. Now look, I’m not the tallest dude out there, but this chick made me look like Paul Bunion standing side by side. I ignore my friend’s sister completely, and immediately start wooing her friend. Within 2 and half minutes and before any names could be exchanged, we were both in the bathroom and my pants were around my ankles.

Gnome (nickname given for this girl’s ridiculous height), was literally tonguing my shaft before I could even walk into the party. She didn’t even know my name, and my kids were already resting on her chin before I could say, “Give me dome, Gnome.” She preceded to S my D for what felt like hours, and only the sound of angry, drunk bros banging on the bathroom door stopped her from doing so. Eventually I pulled up my pants, and put Gnome on my shoulders. Don’t worry, her head didn’t hit the top of the door panel, she was that short!

As we walked out of the bathroom, through the long line of bros holding in their pee and into the living room full of dancing hooligans, we heard a mixture of boos and cheers. I felt like a hero nonetheless. We zig-zagged our way through the crowd and out the sliding doors onto the concrete patio. We eventually found a cozy little crevice in-between two houses not far from the party, and continued to hook up. She continued where she left off, and I slipped in the occasional fingers to be fair. I eventually got bored, and realized my mission had been complete. I made out with legendary Scuba Sandra at the drop of a hat because I wanted to and she clearly did too. I had gotten a blow job from a girl in the bathroom for hours after meeting her for the length of a Geico commercial, but still one deed was left. I needed to call FWBG after all the ignored calls from hours past, and finally make my way to her stupid twin bed.
She answered after 2 and half seconds, and I walked to her apartment from the house party. We had sex, she fell asleep, and I went home because twin beds are not meant for two people to sleep on. 

The Legend of Gimme Dome Gnome will live on forever; and only once have I seen her since that fateful night of bathroom shenanigans. But that was many years ago, and at this point who knows; she may be living under a bridge or being used as some family’s garden prop.

NEXT!

It was a brisk, wintery night, and my two hammered friends and I we’re stumbling home from the bars empty handed around 1 am. As we walked up the steep hill covered in ice, 10 beers deep, all we had on our mind was ordering greasy calzones because it was at the point of the night where the chances of getting pussy was diminishing at alarming rates. Lo and behold, when we least expected it, 3 obnoxiously loud chicks came running up behind us clearly trying to make conversation. 2 of the girls (which we would later find out were lesbian lovers) and 1 being (a mischievous Asian that would later take a splooge rocket to the left eye) decided to follow us back to our apartment for more drinks and potential mischief. After 20 minutes of walking through the blistery cold wind that seems to annihilate Ithaca College 85% of the year, we made it back for a night that would go down in infamy.

We decided to skip the drinks, and get to the mischief. My one roommate took the Asian to his room; we’ll call her EC, and didn’t see them for most of the night. My other good friend and I decided we would try and pull off a task that has a success rate lower than Arod’s postseason batting average; separate the lesbian lovers so my friend and I could both get ours for the night. At first, the girls would just mess with us- making out and talking dirty to each other to get us jealous and frustrated. This made us work harder. It took some dedication and persistence, but we finally succeeded.

The girls were with both of us in the downstairs bathroom within 15 minutes. My friend starts making out with one girl over the sink, and I take mine into the tiny shower, stepping over empty beer cans and bottles of body wash. This girl immediately starts kissing my dick. As she’s doing the deed, I rip open the shower curtain with my bare ass facing my friend and his girl, and I give them a big smile and my very own Miss America hand wave. They laugh, and I tell my girl to come with me some place more quiet; my roommate’s bed. She picks up where she left off, and eventually we go even further. At one point, I’m doing her doggie style, and I happen to be facing the huge windows that paint the back of my roommate’s room. I notice there is a crowd of drunken people laughing and clapping outside of the windows, looking into the room and watching as if witnessing two seals flopping around at Sea World. I laughed, and finished up.

Around 3 am, we meet up with my friend and his girl, and we realize something; our other roommate and EC are nowhere to be found. We walk upstairs, and as we make it to the top, EC comes running out of my roommate’s room with her hand over her left eye and sprints into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. My roommate slowly walks out of his room with a grin on his face. We ask him what happened, and he insists we ask her when she gets out of the bathroom. EC finally comes out of the bathroom with all of us sitting on the scattered chairs near the upstairs bedroom. Her hair all disheveled her face soaking wet, and her left eye looking redder than the devil’s dick. My roommate accidently filled EC’s eyelid with his very own man juice, leaving EC with worse vision than she had had before she got to our apartment. My friends and I all laughed hysterically, falling to the ground, and the 3 girls scurried down the stairs and out of the apartment into the cold night.

Upon reflection; it was a night that will never be forgotten. We left one Asian girl with a lazy eye, two lesbians that would later question their undying love for each other, a free show for 15 drunken hyenas, and an unlucky roommate who had to clean his sheets the next day.

NEXT!

Me and a girl I've been seeing, lets call her A, decided to go see a movie on Friday night. Me and this girl were pretty close, having hooked up at a string of parties recently. The movie we chose was “Lincoln”, and I was pretty excited to see how it would go.

(Fast-Forward an hour into the movie…)

Big events have happened leading up to the climax of the movie, and A and I had been getting very hand-sy throughout the movie. The movie is well attended, there being about 4 other people in our row and others throughout the theatre. 

Lincoln begins a droning monologue in favor of passing the 13th Amendment, and she slides down off her seat and begins to unzip my jeans. She quickly glances around from her knees then begins to give me head. After about 10 minutes of doing work and trying to be semi-quiet, she gave up the latter completely. She began to full-on give me head in the movie theatre, and pretty audibly too as some people down the row glanced over at us. Right as the movie climaxed, so did I; as slavery was abolished, I finished.

Now, that's the America our forefathers envisioned.

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