I’ve never been a traditional gym guy. When I would lift, I’d find myself sleepwalking from machine to machine, dreaming of that mediocre chocolate protein shake at the end of my session. During more heavily populated times, I’d scramble to an empty bench for my impressive 95-lbs press, only to be instantly shoulder-tapped by some ‘roid-stacker demanding to work in. As a result of my gym phobia, I’ve experimented with every alternative short of starvation: P90X, INSANITY, CrossFit, TRX, MMA, BJJ, ECW, WWE, Resistance Training, Tubthumping, Chasing A Chicken While An Old Man Yells Disparaging Remarks, and of course, Twerkin’. While I doubt I’ll ever stick to a single workout, I recently found one that both satisfies my need to get swole with my desire to be surrounded by hot chicks in yoga pants.
For bros who don’t know, SOULCYCLE is the NYC/LA-based spin class empire that attracts more women than frozen yogurt shops and E! News combined. It’s part boot camp, part EDC, and thanks to the latest biotechnology, checking it out won’t make you gay! Ok, maybe a little. But if that’s the price one pays for a killer workout and donkeys in your face, I’m down to be 10-15% homo. It’s 2013, people. Regardless, I signed up with my girlfriend just in case I got caught in a tidal wave of fabulousness.
I was a little nervous when our sprite-like instructor, Jean-Luc, sashayed into the room. He informed the class that before the hour was up, we would “work our asses OFF!” but awkwardness notwithstanding, he was right. Within moments we were bouncing side to side as Skrillex and Kanye blared through the candle-lit studio. It was a trippy sight to take in; 50 people moving as one, but there was little time to reflect. The journey seamlessly transitioned between pushups, curls and crunches, all while pedaling at 110 rpms. OKAY, SO IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD WHEN JEAN-LUC PUT A WATER BOTTLE BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND SPRAYED THE CROWD WITH WATER-JIZZ but hey, it’s all part of the show. Besides, it was really hot in there, dude.
All in all, I have very few complaints about SOULCYCLE. I left drenched in sweat (you burn approx. 400-600 calories for a 45 minute session), refreshed (there are some spiritual yoga-esque affirmations throughout), and highly aroused (Lululemon ass for days). Plus, if you’re feeling emptiness in your life, there is definitely a cult-like vibe among riders. Throw SOULCYCLE on the extracurricular section of your resume, you’re bound to get some love. There’s certainly a social aspect and SOULCYCLE is a growing subculture. Single guys, do it. I need to say this again: there is an overabundance of sweaty poon. My main downside is the price. At $34 a class (tack on another $3 for mandatory shoe rental), getting your Soul on is a very expensive habit. But it’s certainly cheaper than a trainer, and if you’re using it to spit game, way more cost-effective than going out. Besides that, the only other con is availability. As of now, locations are only limited to the coasts. Fear not, for just like Shake Shack and Avian influenza, I’m sure it will get to your city eventually.
Have any other bros hit up SOULCYCLE or something similar? Any other recommendations? Think it sounds super gay? Do you love your shitty gym and rocking the cut-off foam party frat tee? That’s cool too, but step your game up. And Leave your thoughts in the comment section!!!
Krum is an NYC based comedian. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom