Life
by David Covucci on December 24, 2013

I  religiously use Tinder because I know that about 50% of the time I am going to get laid. So, one night I am playing flip cup with the boys and some broads who don't know what else to do but come rage in our pod because we know where it's at. I look up at the clock and it's 12, so I grab my boy Nick. We make some calls and hear of a party in the dorm next to us. We pack a nice bag of Bud Lights and Natty Lights. We get there and as I am heading into a room this random broad grabs my arm and says we are matched on Tinder. Immediately, I am like really? You are 100% a certified smoke and I would know it. Anyways, she tells me to message her. I do, then I find out where she is. We immediately get up on a chair start dancing and hooking up. I wheeled for a bit, but got bored so I moved on to the next girl I could find.

Fast forward about a month. Around 2:30 am.m I am crushing it per usual. I get a text from the Tinder broad telling me that she's in my dorm and wants to hangout. Now, I got one roomate who was blackout, passed out. My other roomate is like “Have her bring a friend up.” I tried my very best to get my roomate laid, but it just wasn't happening. So, she comes up. We start talking. Then I get real bored and just start hooking up with her. Rip off her sweatshirt and her bra was already unhooked. Thank god, because I was so sloshed that I probably couldn't have unhooked it. Finally, time to stick it in this girl's thirsty pussy. About a half an hour into it I notice one of my roommates get up and scream at me, saying if I don't cum all over her face that he's gonna jizz all over my sheets tomorrow when I am not in the room. The Tinder broad looks at me in pure shock. I get ready to finish. I pull out and start going towards her face. She said that I better be thankful for this. As she is saying that I drop one of the biggest loads on her face. My roomate comes over and high fives me and tells me that he's still gonna jizz all over my sheets for not finding him a girl. I told him he could have a round with the tinder broad. She denies and goes to sleep. Two weeks later pulled the same move, but my roomate and I did a little 1-2 switcharoo  on this broad. Greatest nights of my life.
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Saturday rolls around and I am woken up to the sound of my buddies blaring Danger Zone and the good ole “cheers, crack beer, violently toss down the can after an aggressive shotgun” combo, as they just finished their last midterm. From that second the tone for the entire day/night of pure debauchery has been set.

Within an hour we find ourselves at a local establishment right by campus that’s actually called “Beertown”.  The place was celebrating Oktoberfest so we ended up sucking back some German beer from a steiner glass. A few of those later and we were well on our way to establishing a violent pace that we all full well knew our livers were not built to handle, but I digress.

The day progresses and we all find our way back to campus, all shitfaced by 4 p.m. Beer pong, funnels, flip cup tourneys and copenhagen wintergreen are what fueled the boys for the next couple of hours, until everyone else decided it was time to get their drinking boots on and come join us drunk savages.

As the night progressed and the party ensued, I ended up spotting a girl who was just solid. She had a solid bod, was easy on eyes, and had a decent rack. We ended up talking and she dropped that she is here visiting for the weekend to party with her friends from back home. The light goes in my head as I immediately realize that any functioning alcoholic at this age, who visits their friend at school to party, away from their parents for a whole fucking weekend have only and absolutely one goal in mind and nothing more – to get as drunk as possible, while doing the stupidest shit imaginable, all while simultaneously not giving one single fuck. That comment, mixed in the with eye fucking that was happening all night, secured the fact that I was going to hammer this girl at some point in the night.

A little later on in the night, a few people, including myself and my roommate, end up in her friend's room, keeping the booze train going, just sucking back shots of some fucking brutal vodka. I was forcing this shit down. I honestly don’t know how the fuck my liver was handling these shots, but man he was being a fucking champ that night. My roommate ended up passing out on the floor, rolling under a bed, laying there drunker than an alcoholic at noon on a Tuesday. As the other people left the room, it was now just me, the girl, and my unconscious boozebag of a roommate under the bed. I ended up taking the girl to town on the bed that my roommate was passed out under. I fucked this girl for a while, and she took it like a champ – ended up being a solid K. We finished up, I left back to my room, and proceeded to pass the fuck out.

I wake up the next day and hear my roommate just struggling to make it safely to his own bed. He tells me he passed out in that room we were taking shots in and woke up underneath some random bed. The look on our faces when we exchanged stories and pieced together that I fucked the girl on the bed he passed out under was fucking priceless.

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[High Five via Shutterstock]