Who among us hasn’t lit a fart on fire? If you are one of those few who say that haven’t done it, I say that you are a big filthy liar.
Of course, as with anything flammable, there is always the risk of something bad happening. Even more so when that flammable thing is the gas coming out of your ass. Mix in a little booze and you get stories like this from Reddit’s TIFU.
Her: “Can I ask you a random question…”
Me: “Sure.”
Her: “Have you ever lit a fart on fire?”
Me: “No, but I’ve seen other people do it.”
Her: “Is it dangerous? Like, can’t your ass get burnt because the gas trail follows back to the source?”
Me: “No I don’t think so, as long as you don’t get the flame too close and burn yourself.”
Her: “I don’t know it seems like it can dangerous.”
Me: “Nah. We’ll do it tonight. It’ll be fun.”
Like many Sundays, I had abhorrent rhino farts from drinking the night before. I told her the next time I had to let one rip she could hold the lighter to my fart box. No more than 5 minutes later I had one in the chamber ready to let loose. I did my best to hold it in while my girlfriend sprung up from the couch to find the lighter. With both of us giggling, I assumed the position – sitting down with my arms holding under my legs, pulling them back.
She lit the flame about 6 inches from my butt and I let a long, loud, slightly wet fart ring out. I heard the swoosh as the gas hit the flame and went up in a blue and orange fireball. I caught a glimpse of it and my girlfriend’s look of amazement. Honestly I had no idea the flame would be so impressive.
Here’s where it starts to go wrong.
The fart lasted for about 2 seconds, and when it stopped, my sphincter retracted and sucked the gas (and flame) back towards my asshole. Since I was wearing gym shorts, some of fire came back through the small holes and did burned the shit out of my asshole.
I actually felt the fireball get pulled into my ass and then poof out once the stream of gas got cut off. This, as you might imagine, was quite painful. Additionally, it added a wonderful, burned-asshole-hair smell to the already terrible stench of fire farts.
At this point, I’m clutching my asshole and waddling towards the bathroom to grab a baby wipe and survey the damage while my girlfriend is rolling on the floor laughing. When she caught her breath she came into the bathroom and asked how I was. I put my dignity aside, bent over, and spread my cheeks so she could take a look. Luckily there wasn’t any real damage – a little red with some burned hairs. Worth it.
TL;DR Girlfriend lit my fart on fire. Since I was wearing mesh shorts, the fireball got sucked into my asshole, burned my anus, and singed the hairs.
There’s really only one takeaway I ca see from this story. This guy has a tremendous girlfriend.
Is that not the lesson I was supposed to learn?
H/T Uproxx; Fart fire image by Shutterstock