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So this story happens the night of the 2012 presidential election. I go to a decent size school that has a pretty good football team that I am also on. Anyway, here goes.
At the night of the election (it’s over now due to all of the below) I was dating a girl, lets call her Rain. Rain has been blowing up my phone for days, since I hate texting and all that bullshit. At about 5:30, when I get out of football, I learn my night class got cancelled so I am ready to party.
I get back to my house just in time for my roommates, who are also on the football team, to tell me they are going to our friend’s house, (also football players), to drink for the election. Being the bro I am I say no worries be there in a sec. I dive in my fridge and knock out about 10 beers to start the night. I get another call from Rain, saying she is coming over. Of course, Febreeze room, clear texts to other girls, and hide left behind clothing.
Rain comes over, we fuck, blah blah blah. I tell her that I have to go study for my micro-econ test that I have in the morning, which I really do, but in truth, I’m really going to my friend’s house to drink more.
What I thought would be like 7-10 guys just drinking and watching the election coverage, turned into a election theme party. It is getting pretty ridiculous and then I spot, lets call her Lightening, she is my ex and by the looks of things, she is pretty cock hungry. We make eye contact and then I gesture to an empty room with just a broken couch in it. We instantly start going at it. I finish on her face, she punches me in the face blah blah blah.
So I’m sporting a black eye and fucked two girls in the matter of 2 hours. I am also shitfaced so I decide to start walking home which is about two blocks. All the college athletes have houses right in the same area so I see a bunch of friends as I walk by. Then out of the corner of my eye i see this girl, lets call her Thunder. She is this track girl I've had a thing for two years now. I go over talk to her ask her what she's up to and she says her friends ditched her and she's all alone. It's 12:45 and she asks to hang out, only if I'm not doing something. Naturally, I say I'm not doing anything. We go inside her house and are chilling for awhile and I think I fall asleep. I wake up and it feels like a dog is breathing really heavily on my face, I open my eyes and there Thunder is, riding my dick like it's going out of style. I am so shocked I let out a little yell of sheer excitement.
But what I forgot is, I had already nutted twice in the last 6 hours so I can't cum but I am tired as fuck. Before I can even do anything, she hops off and starts gargling me. Why do I say gargling? Because she was literally deep-throating my entire dick and vibrating her throat, it took me only 20 seconds to shoot my knuckle children down her throat. I came so hard I almost made her throw up.
Wake up in the morning, text all the girls to make sure it actually happened and went to take my test but my professor just left a note on the door saying, "Obama won, to depressed to give test."
So yeah, probably best 17 hours of my life. So even though Obama won and I lost a GF, and I had an amazing night that will probably never happen again, especially since I am a 6'3" 280 lb. offensive linemen.
So this next one is... a story, with words. It also has to do with blacked-out sex, lost virginity, and none other than everyone's favorite guy, Adolf Hilter.
It all started at your typical college apartment party. Jell-O shots, keg stands, some dancing, and the quintessential drug room. I was having a good time- dancing, talking to girls, playing beer pong with strangers but my night cuts out there. I drank too much and don’t remember anything after the first hour of the party, but I never expected what was to come.
The next morning I’m awoken buy some girl I’ve never met riding me, and man am I happy to be woken up like this. I can’t remember anything from the night before, but I guess I picked her up at the party and well, this is one hell of a good morning.
Afterwards, we get to the laying down and talking part, and I try to play it off like I remember most of the night, and she explains to me that she’s “happy she finally got it over with.” I ask what she means, and she explains that up until a few hours ago, she had been a virgin. I cannot believe what I’m hearing. What’s better is that she decided to go to church after she left!
So I got a few more hours of sleep, while she went to Sunday services. She called me later and asked if I wanted to grab brunch with her. I figured it couldn’t hurt, after all, I did just take this girls virginity.
We go to grab brunch off-campus and she’s seems to be mostly cool, despite my surprise and slight discomfort about being the guy she just lost her virginity to while completely blacked out. After brunch, we’re walking back to campus, and for whatever reason, she mentions that the Holocaust never happened. I naturally exclaim, “What?!?! You don’t really mean that, do you?” and she explains that it was all made up to, and I quote, “Get sympathy for the Jews so they could make more money.” I was in shock. I asked if she really believes that and she revealed to me what I think is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.
She told me that she is actually a distant relative of none other than Adolf Hitler himself. I didn’t believe her, and I accused her of messing with me. She calmly told that she was totally serious, and even explained the bloodline. Let me just say that I am not a gullible guy, in fact, I was so incredulous that I pressed her for maybe ten minutes about the matter, to the point where she was slightly irritated that I didn’t believe her and wanted to move on with the matter. She wasn’t messing with me. She was telling the truth. For two days now I’ve been flipping out, trying to explain to close friends that I took the virginity of Adolf Hitler’s relative, and that all of this happened to me.
Perhaps the most important, and best part of the story is actually something about me. What I never mentioned to this girl is that I am completely, entirely, absolutely, a Jew. I speak fluent Hebrew, I traveled to Israel when I was a kid, and I’ve been to more Bar and Bat-Mitzvas and Shabbat dinners than I’d like to admit. I cannot wait to see the look on this girls face when I tell her. Finally, the Jews have been avenged!
I should note that submission was sent in with this photo attached.
Here is what I believe to be a fairly decent story about a few sexual events that not-so-slightly link each one to the next. Enjoy. Flashback, freshman year in college. I had a literal few people at the residence to just hangout, play pong and weave tales of past goings-on. Being that it was a weekday there were enough people in attendance to have fun, and we planned on keeping it at that. One of those lay low, stay out of trouble kind of nights.
All of the sudden this girl, “Crazy-Wench”, decides to show up at my house, uninvited. She is your typical flip job of a chick. Super cute girl, solid 8.5, but absolutely batshit crazy. I had met Crazy-Wench before but nothing had ever happened. However, on this particular night she allowed herself to walk directly up to me and start eating my face. I gave in to this kiss sesh seeing as it was already underway. Pulling away would have made me a big dick. There were too few people in the room to not make this completely awkward, so I decided the session was over. She then wrapped her hand enthusiastically around my package. I couldn’t exactly decipher her body language but part of me thought this was a sign that she wanted the D. being that I was trying to be a good host to the others I brushed it off. I told her to stop, but this was obviously too much English for her deranged brain to comprehend.
After 20 minutes of being annoyed I proceeded to do the only logical thing I could think of… brought her up to my room. Now a lesser man would’ve given into the seemingly-obvious forthcomings of this exploitation; Not I. If there is anything I have learned in my years of sexual endeavors, it’s “don’t stick your dick in crazy”; and I weaseled my way around doing just that. In the subsequent couple of minutes 4 things happened.
1. She got completely naked
2. I stayed fully clothed
3. I went knuckle deep to get her right where I wanted. and
4. I calmly walked away and with a tone that was suave yet sprinkled with
sarcasm and assholeishness, said to her “you will never turn me on”.
I was obviously naïve in thinking that I had won, because to this she responded with a deviant “WHAAAT?!”, shot up, still completely naked, ferociously grabbed my manhood with the force of a bear trap,(which was significantly more intense than the first) and out of her baffled mouth came the words “wanna bet?!”. At this point I had my mind pretty well set on not getting roped into months of stalking, endless phone calls and plausible stab wounds, and took the bet, like a gentleman. I unhinged her rock crushing grasp, calmly walked downstairs and rejoined the remaining pong players until we decided a decent slumber was more important than drinking any more than was really necessary. I don’t know where she was at this point, and fortunately I didn’t see her again for quite some time.
Fast-forward a couple months. It’s the final day of freshman year. As I’m packing up the remainder of my belongings and preparing myself for the transition from academic destroyer to summer-time laborer, I receive a text from this girl. The text read “I was kind of looking forward to some Reece’s Puffs and sex before you left..”. Side note: This girl happens to be Crazy-Wench’s best friend as well as my thieving-douchbag roommate’s ex-girlfriend. At this point in time my roommate and this girl had only been broken up for about a week…after a yearlong relationship. It was as if the summer gods had whispered an array of sweet nothings from above. I happen to be a fan of both of those very same things. I finish packing and head to her abode. She’s waiting for me on Crazy-Wench’s bed. Perfect. This girl “Gymnast” unbuckles my pants and goes to work like she was about to lose her home. Being the best friend she was, Gymnast would not have the sex in Crazy-Wench’s bed. So, ass and balls exposed I ran across their house to Gymnasts room trying to avoid any exposure to other roommates who were oblivious to any of these happenings. I finish what I went there to do and left. Unfortunately no Reece’s Puffs were involved. She was my last stop out of town before heading to the homeland.
Fast-forward again, later that night. I get into town only to be greeted by phone calls informing me of a gathering at a friend’s place. The typical party stages ensue; drinking, weaving mixed drunken anecdotes of the past year, yelling and throwing things out of pure loss of intuition etc. In a slight haze I start talking to one of my ex-girlfriends from junior year in high school. I asked her how everything was, how she had been etc. She told me she was single now and that her and her ex-bf were still friends, and all the normal things that transpire over a 2-year relationship. After a lot of nonsensical inebriated banter, I give her the head nod, signaling that we should go upstairs. She shoots back a rebuttal nod of agreement and we go at it on a computer room floor. I let myself go on her stomach like a respectable young adult, toss her a piece of computer paper and go back downstairs to the party. I really didn’t mean to be that disrespectful but in the state I was in it kind of slipped my mind to be caring. She was a cheating slut back in the day anyway.
Party continues as usual and I wake up ready for summer.
Later that morning, I get a call from one of my buddies asking if the ex and I had done anything. I gave him the story and he sounded kind a tad perplexed. It turns out that the ex’s relationship status of “single”, actually meant her and her significant other “lived in the same house, own dogs together, and are about to be engaged in the next couple months”. I instantly called her boyfriend, gave him the rundown, and told him she wasn’t worth it. He was overly nice about it and for that I was grateful.
To this day the words of Childish Gambino still bring me back to this situation “whatever man, I’m just having fun, I’m sorry that I fucked her but now you know that she’s not the one.”
End note: Gymnast’s ex-boyfriend/ my ex-roommate ended up $2000 short on rent money in a house my parents own, and stole $200 cash from me while I was out of town. He was a good friend of mine that pulled some shit and, when confronted, packed his stuff and left. I haven’t seen him in 2 years but to this day, when the stars align, I continue to fuck his ex while karma continues to fuck him.
You're welcome. And I don't know how much, if any, of that "link(ed) each one to the next." I went in expecting "Babel" and I left with two completely unrelated stories.
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