Myself and a few bros where headed to the lake last night for some hardcore partying and some fishing. On the way to the lake, I stop and a local convenient store to get a pack of smokes and some grub.
I proceed to go to the deli, where this bombshell of a blonde decides she wants to take my order. I tell her that I want some chicken and of course her being the innocent worker she is, obliges.
As she hands me the food she notices a tattoo on my arm and makes a comment on how she likes it, and proceeds to tell me about how she has a few tattoos that her ex had done because he is someone that needs to be on L.A Ink. (NOT)
She’s gives me his number incase I decide that I want him to do some ink work.
Well, then she tells me about one that goes up the side of her leg, which is cheetah print. Myself, being the horny bastard I am at the time asks her to show it to me. She’s hesitates at first and asked her co-worker if she could take her 15-minute break.
She leads me to the bathroom and proceeds to take off of her pants and show me. I compliment her and that the tattoo would look better with pants completely off. She giggles and says I can’t do that, and asked me if I had a tattoo anywhere downstairs.
I told her that if she was that curious she would have too take off my pants and find out for herself.
Next thing I know my pants are on the floor and my dong is in her mouth.
After some time has passed I blow my load in her mouth and she swallows like a champ.
We get dressed and are leaving the bathroom. I go check out and as I am walking out the door (5 minutes has passed at least) her ex STOPS me and asked me if I was the Bro that was interested in some ink work.
Back in my head the only thing I can think about is how is ex can suck a dong and swallow like a champ.
The conversation ends and I proceed to drive to the lake to share my bonanza with the bros waiting to smash some natty and fish the night away.
Moral of the story: If a bombshell female compliments your tattoos, thank her and ask if she has any. You never know where it may go.
Okay, I transferred to this party school my junior year and I spent all summer lifting weights and planning for the opening week. I was living in a fraternity live-out with a couple good bros at the school which turned out to be the best decision ever. No paddling, no fucking clean-ups, and no fucking fake frat bull-shit about dues, social calendars, and reporting to nationals about pledge education and shit. I was 21 and hitting the bars every night and there was plenty of other shit I'd rather be doing.
So I'm doing my thing, getting faded nearly every night for the first five weeks of school (semester school, no tests or papers due til then) and picking up girls and digits. I did okay for not going Greek but some bitches cared only about those letters dammit.
Anyways, it was a Friday night on homecoming football weekend and I was chilling with my two roommates and killing with a fifth of Jaeger chased by vodka (I know….) and getting ready to hit the bars. We knew a couple bartenders so we were taking our time cuz, no lines. Around 11pm, I'm getting pretty faded and this freshman sorostitute I was hooking up with calls me up and tells me that she just finished up at a lingerie party and wants to come over. She was a cheerleader, not turning that down so I meet her up and carry her down. She was pretty drunk and wearing…well, stilettos, stalkings, and a maid's outfit. I take her straight to my room and start unpeeling her. Before we get too far, bitch pukes and can't stop.
I'm pondering ditching her and just going to bars when my phone rings. It was this other girl in her pledge class (not as hot but giant tits and a skinny blond). She was leaving the same party and wants to come over and “hang out.”
So I grab #1's phone and call her house to come grab her. I lied and said it looked like she might have alcohol poisoning. I left her on the front porch in a blanket and went off to pick-up #2 crossing my fingers that she was gone when I got back. Picked up #2, also in less-slutty lingerie. she was less wasted but hella chatty. We take the long route back, making out on the way and I'm fingering her plus getting a handy. We get to my room, I've lost my buzz so I start pounding beers and she's asking about my roommates. Oh cool, she knows my roommate's younger sister and goes down to wake him up at which point he's fucking pissed because he had just gotten off work (it's 1am at this point) and he blames me and we get into a fight about it. At this point, the girl passes out on the couch.
I've struck out with two girls at this point.
So I drag my roommate to the bars (fuck him, he was awake now) by pointing out that he'd cock-blocked me. We knock down a bunch of shots, grab his smokes, and walk up the block to the main bar. Despite howls from the line, we cruise right in cuz our other roommate was doing the door and grab some drinks. I drunkenly playing pool when in walks this smoking girl I knew from a friend and she was already wasted, which was odd for her, but she came right up and chatted me up. I saw it in her eyes and we went home and got naked. She's a yoga teacher, best fucking body I've seen to date, but, and she's going down on my and vice-versa and I'm thinking “FINALLY!!!!” It was 4am and I'm fucking and drunk and blue-balled. I go for the condom and….she starts crying. Recent break-up with a long-term ex, only slept with two other guys, shouldn't be doing this.
I kid you not, I turned around buck-naked, walked out, and passed out on her couch only to be awoken by her roommates.
What a fucking night.
At least when awoken by her roommate's screams in the morning, she drags me back inside and offers me a ride home. A block from my house, she stops the car, apologizes for crying last night and gives me amazing dome before dropping me off with her number and a promise to finish what we started.
Yeah…then she got back with asshole boyfriend a week later. Never sealed the deal…
Sorry for the long-story bros…that night was the worst cock-tease of my entire life. 2 smoke-shows, 1 drunk blonde and NO FUCKING SEX.
However shitty but still kinda awesome that night was:
I managed to pound out #1 and #2 in every position known to mankind for the rest of the semester before they figured out I was hooking up with both in the same night a lot of weekends and only sometimes showering in-between swapping them (UTI's are a bitch, apparently!). Didn't get to hook-up with anyone else from that house again the rest of my time there.
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[Ridiculous image via ShutterStock]