Bro Dumped By Girlfriend, Handles It By Freaking Out In Public, Pooping His Pants And That’s Not Even The Worst Part

Everyone handles getting dumped differently – some are graceful about it and proceed to carry on with their daily lives as if nothing is amiss, while others shit themselves and have full-on breakdowns in public. Redditor Moogle_party, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, falls into the latter category.

Tonight my girlfriend broke up with me while I was sitting in an internet cafe playing some games with some friends. I get a text from her and I’m pretty happy. It’s been long distance the past two months and she hasn’t been great at replying to messages. So I was chuffed until I read the message. Needless to say the news was not good and I bailed on my friends cause “i was suddenly feeling unwell”

By the time I hit the stairs to leave the cafe I can feel that I’m gonna start crying if I stop moving. Me? Cry in public? A 23 year old man who already struggles with the idea of being masculine. A man (boy lets be honest) Who kept growing a beard because one person one time said it made him look a little older. Fuck that! I will uphold some sort of manliness during this disaster, potentially…hopefully. Against all the odds I make it to the bus stop without crying. But the bus isn’t coming for ages. I’m pacing up and down checking and re checking my phone. Re reading the msg getting depressed all over again. The bus shows up and I’m on board in a second. But I don’t sit down I’m fucking stalking the aisle back and fourth. Keep moving. Keep fucking moving. I’m fucking daring the bus driver to tell me to sit down.

He does so “Oi mate you can you sit down?” You want me to sit down? YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING SIT DOWN?! I say in my head. In the real word I’m already sitting. I don’t want to piss off the bus driver. He didn’t break up with me. Keep moving. I’m jiving in my seat, legs fucking jack hammers pounding the floor. Trying to speed up the bus Fred Flintstone style.

I know exactly what I’m gonna do when I get home. Change into shorts, chuck my running shoes on and sprint down to the harbour and scream out over the water. Oh yeah just like a fucking movie. Scream at the ocean, like the actor you tell yourself you will eventually be. (HAHAHAH why the fuck am I not proactive enough to audition for anything) Shut the fuck up self destructive nature! We telling a story! Back on track!

Bus is about to reach my stop but I’m up already. Everyone else on the bus looks pretty fucking happy I’m going. Oh I’m sorry I wasn’t the ideal co passenger you snobs. I’m dealing with some shit so you’ll have to forgive me! Fly out the door in an instant and Im running up the hill to my house. Punch the back gate with my face. Fucking shit! ( gate just got replaced, way harder to open, opened it into my face) Brush it off! I’m fine (physically I’m fine, emotionally I’m a mess, duh) Back door code gets punched in at lighting speed. I’m up the stairs. Jeans off. Runners on. god dammit man put ya shorts on first then your runners. Runners off. shorts on. Runners on again. Nailed it. I’m down the stairs, grab a quick mouthful of water, reach the back door and it fucking hits me. I need to shit. Like really need to shit. I pause at the door think about risking it. I do not risk it.

As I’m running back up stairs to the bathroom I nearly shit myself on the 4th step. I was right not to risk it. Bathroom door flies open, I fly onto the seat and thankfully don’t shit on myself. But I’m not moving. I can’t move much at all. I’m stuck until the shitting ends and I know I won’t make it. I start crying. Like really fucking crying. I have never cried like this before. All the while this torrent of tears was coupled with what I can only describe as some of the most explosive shitting I have ever produced. Probably would have been one of the funniest things I’ve ever done and If I wasn’t sobbing like the world was ending I probably would of laughed. But there I was for 10 minutes shitting an avalanche and crying a downpour.

But as all things do, it ended (Much like my relationship! Oh snap! too soon? Of course it’s too soon you’re an emotional wreck. Only through laughter can I grow, HAHAHA, my heart is a black abyss…)

I wipe. Pants up. Tears dried. I rush back downstairs grab my earphones chuck on some heavy metal (so fucking hardcore) and start sprinting towards the ocean. It should be noted that this run to the ocean would be achievable by a fit person. I am not a fit person. Even a fit person would struggle to sprint the whole way and yet sprint I did until I felt like my lungs were gonna fucking kill me. Grief it seems does not increase your overall stamina.

By the time I make it to the water I am almost more of a physical wreck than an emotional one. But I will persevere! I will scream my anguish out over the water like some crazy method actor. I drag myself up to the edge of the harbor and open my mouth to scream.

Only I don’t scream. I instead proceed to projectile vomit into the fucking harbor. It’s acidic, it burns, it kickstarts the tears again and it just keeps going! Are you fucking kidding me body? It was one tiny sprint. I vomit up the past months food.
I’m shivering at this stage. Cause it’s winter. It’s 11:52pm and I’m in shorts next to the ocean. (Y em i so smart?) I drag myself to a bench and just sit there staring at the water until my throat stops burning.

Then I just walk home. Stepped in dog shit on the way back, because you know, have to keep the misery as high as possible. And now I’m here sobbing silently onto my keyboard.

TLDR: Girlfriend broke up with me via text. Tried to dramatically deal with the sadness by planning to run to the ocean and scream out at the water. Ended up Sobbing and shitting at the same time on the toilet for ten minutes. Then tried to run to the ocean but I wasn’t fit enough and I projectile vomited into the ocean when I got there. Numerous other bad things also happened read above.

 

[H/T Reddit]