Life tip: when you look up “sex” on a stock photo website and the photo of a loving couple who are about fuck on a log presents itself to you, you use that goddamn photo. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: I was having sex with a girl and my finger was up her ass. But it was kind of tight. So, to lube things up, I put that finger in my mouth. It was then I realized what I just did. Can you tell me something that makes me want to keep living?
A: My, what a devastating series of events…
The only morsel of hope I can offer you is that by sending us the very brief story of “that time you sucked human poo off your finger,” you’ll have potentially saved a few guys from walking down the same perilous path. Whether you realize it or not, you, sir, are a hero to the entire I-like-fingering-girls-assholes community. Take a moment to bask in that glory, ya shitsucker.
Q: So, how NOT bro is it to shave your legs? I’m asking for a friend… or something.
A: I have trouble understanding why anyone would want to shave their legs unless it’s out of necessity. Like you should only do it if it helps you swim faster or your hair is so thick no one can see the sick tribal calf tattoo you just got. Or, like in my case that one time in college, your jag-off friend decides to shave large patches of your leg hair after you’ve passed out from substance abuse.
After that faithful, early summer night when my leg was shaved, I had no choice but to finish the job. My only two viable options were be shaved-leg guy for the summer, or walk around town looking like a total asshole. You can argue both scenarios lead to that “look at this total asshole” outcome, sure, but my legs have no shortage of hair and I wasn’t about to be patchy. So I went for it. All in. And let me tell you, I’d never do it again. Nothing can prepare you for the first time bead of sweat at the gym somehow makes it from the back of your neck all the way into your sock because nothing is there to stop it. Also, the itching upon regrowth is agonizing. Nightmare stuff. At one point it got so bad that I shaved them again just so I didn’t have to itch myself.
It’s a vicious cycle. One I would advise against getting involved in. Strongly.
Q: Is it possible to be a vegetarian and still be a bro? To answer the question that just popped I’m not a vegan, (and I hate those fucking PETA assholes- seriously, animals are just not the same as people and I hate getting tarred with the same brush as those losers), but I’ve just never really eaten meat. Other than that though, I love the standard bro things. What I’m asking is, does having never eaten a hamburger or a steak automatically disqualify a person from being a bro?
A: What the hell is wrong with you? Have you ever tasted meat? Meat is succulent and delectable and men who eat meat run companies and fuck women and have full heads of lush hair and meat makes their farts that smell in ways a head of lettuce never could. END OF DISCUSSION.
Truth is, I couldn’t care less if you or any of my friends or any other person roaming this earth didn’t eat meat. Your nutritional choices are the last thing me or any other guy should care about.
You want to eat leaves all your life? Go ahead. As long as you don’t a) try to force your eating habits on to others b) continually talk about how you don’t eat meat like the rest of us give a shit or c) act like a total bitch when a menu doesn’t have enough grass for you to graze on, then you’re probably still a “Bro.” Whatever the fuck that classification even means in 2014.
I stumbled across this today while trying to find a photo for Steve Coulter’s creep post. It’s my new favorite meme. For obvious reasons…
Yep. Back to the action.
Q: Moral dilemma here. You’re an able-bodied bro sitting in a seat on the subway when suddenly an obese woman in gets on the train and makes eye contact with you accompanied by annoyed breathing sounds as if you should forfeit your seat to her. Do you give her your seat?
A: Not. A. Fucking. Chance.
Do I need to explain myself?
No, I do not.
Q: Masturbating while driving in a car alone: Yay or Nay?
A: If you’re searching for a one word answer to justify your actions, then go and tell all the naysayers JC says, “YAY.”
I’m not about to publicly admit that I have or haven’t performed the act on myself, but when the night settles in on a long road trip and the highway you’re cruising on is mostly abandoned, it’s fight or flight the moment those eyelids start to feel like the weight of the world is on them. When you’re bereft of other options (e.g. pulling over, sunflower seeds, coffee, dip, etc) a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Not saying I champion those who pull it in the car, but I can understand their struggle.
However, jerking off in your car in broad daylight or just for the sake of jerking off is a completely different story. I classify that as an urge you might want to get checked out by a medical professional.
Q: Okay so summer is approaching, which means the hoards of Facebook beach pictures are coming in. Aside from the smoking hot chicks I couldn’t help notice something weird about almost ALL of the bros’ swim trunks (no homo). Almost every one of them has got a fucking Calvin Klein, or some other brand underwear brief UNDER their swimming trunks?? WTF??? Now a little background about myself, I’m from Washington, home of the shittiest sand flea infested beaches on earth, 50 degrees year round, so obviously no one here really goes to the beach a lot. These pictures I see are of my friends who have graduated and gone to colleges in CA or FL etc. But literally I’ve seen about 50 different guys do this same thing. You don’t see girls wearing their bras underneath their bikinis, so why the boxer brief under the trunks??? Very baffled. Sorry for the long question, just extremely curious for an answer, if you have witnessed/participated in this same phenomenon.
A: Full disclosure: I only wear a well-trimmed cloak of pubic hair under my board shorts. Never understood the affinity for wearing underwear of any kind. They get all wet and sweaty and gross and MY GOD THE FUCKING CHAFFAGE. Not to mention they ruin that glorious, breathtaking moment a cool breeze flows up your pant leg and punches your dick in its tiny mouth. I reckon, it’s moments like those when I feel most alive… “Summer breeze, makes me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind.”
Until next time…
Follow J. Camm on Twitter —> Follow @JCamm_
[Image via ShutterStock]