Life
by J. Camm on April 1, 2013

This story goes back to my freshman year in college, aka the best year of my life. It's Halloween weekend and everyone is finally starting to get settled in the dorm since we only got in in late September (damn trimester schedules). A couple of my bros and I head down to South Street in Philly to get some costumes for the night. After we all get our shit, we head back to campus to start the night.

Two summers ago, my mom's side of the family was having their family reunion in Savannah, Georgia. Now my family was staying in a condo by the beach while the other families stayed in the city at a hotel. Unfortunately I don't have any cousins my age so every night I just drink with my brothers. So the last night I'm there, my brothers and I go to some local pubs and see what the night life is like. We eventually make our way back to the the hotel everyone is staying at.

As we walk in, I see my uncle Josh on the computer and these 2 blondes sitting at a table in the lobby and I hear somebody whistle at me. I thought it was my imagination so I walked back to the pool where all my family was. I got bored there so I went back to the lobby and I see these girls talking to my uncle and they call me over to start talking. My uncle had been my wingman in the time I had been gone. They call me over and we start chit chatting. Madison is about a 7 (she had some pretty sexy tattoos) and Chrissie is about a 5. They tell me their from Philly for a wedding  and ask me if I want to come to the reception. Of fucking course!

Open bar which is great, so I grab a double crown and coke and proceed to follow in the steps of John and Jeremy Ryan (wedding crashers). I go to the dance floor with Madison and were grinding. I remember doing the cha cha slide with all the nieces and two stepping with both the bride and grooms grandmas. I then proceed to meet almost everyone there. I smoked cigars, drank scotch, met the bride who loved it that I crashed her reception, and was becoming a hit at the party. Madison's Uncle Larry even tried to hook me up with his daughter.

Finally around 1:30am Madison  and I are making out when her mom pulls me off of her to say she is going to bed. Well that sucks because I tell Madison that I am not staying at this hotel. She says that she'll figure something out and runs off for a second. I then began talking to this girl Marie, when this guy comes up to me and asks me who I am. I say I know Madison but he says he is the groom and since I'm not family to gtfo. I didn't want to cause any trouble so I did (not before going back to the bar to grab a couple to go drinks). Madison finds me in the hotel lobby asking why I left. She tells me that no one in his family or the brides family likes the groom. He knocked up the bride and so they had a shotgun wedding.

I tell her I fly home early the next morning and I'll need to catch a cab home soon. She pulls me into the hotel lobby bathroom and gives me dome. She swallows about 15 minutes later and proceeds to call me a cab. It shows and I say bye to her and as I'm heading home, my brother calls me saying to come to a bar everyone is at. I show up and proceed to tell everyone the whole story. My Uncle Sean and Tom agree that I set the bar for a family reunion and that this story has to be told at future ones.

Btw, Madison found me on Facebook and I see that she has 2 kids.

NEXT!

There used to be this girl that would hang around our fraternity house, a frat groupie.  Both me and my buddy would hook up with her from time to time, and there may have been others, but none in our house. She was decent looking, maybe 6-7.  Slammin body, alright face.  We'd go out hunting, and she was our fallback plan, and sometimes my buddy and I would flip a coin to see who'd call her.  One night it was my turn.

We went back to her dorm and started right at it.  Her bed was near the door, and the phone was mounted to the wall by the door.  We were doing it doggy style when the phone rang. At 3am. I paused and asked, “Who'd be calling at 3am on a Tuesday?”  She replied, “Probably my boyfriend back home.”  I had no idea she had a boyfriend, not that I minded.

So I thought I'd have some fun with this,  I said, “well, you really should talk to him then,” and picked up the phone, put it to her face and continued to quietly continue my business. ”Hello?… Hi, I'm really tired, can we talk tomorrow?  No, I just don't feel well, it's late.  No, I'm fine.  Really, I'm ok.  I'm hanging up now.”   Then she hung up and we got back in full swing. Ten minutes later after I'd flipped her over, it rang again and I did my same trick. She shot me the most evil look.  She had the same conversation with him, but this time she added, “No, please don't come out here, I'm fine, really, there's no need to come here in the middle of the night”.   As this conversation was going on, I finished up, jumped up and started getting dressed. She hung up and said, “You're leaving?” I replied, “Yeah, sounds like he might be coming over.” I was never one for cuddling, so it worked out great. I've always wondered what this guy would think if he knew some other guy was finishing up with his girlfriend while he was on the phone with her. Good times.

For your edification, friend, any dude willing to travel at 3am to see his girlfriend at college would probably wonder a lot of things if he knew you were banging his chick, like where you lived so he could rip your dick clean off your torso.

And finally our Bro who wins for the most disgusting sex move of the week. 

After we all get our costumes on and start pregaming, everyone on my floor heads towards my bro's room because that's where the party is. I spot some new girl walk in dressed like a cop that I've never seen before and we'll call her M. Turns out she is visiting the smokeshow that lived across the hall from me at the time S, and I'm interested. I talk to her for a while until the pregame wraps up and we all head out for the night. Unfortunately M and S go the opposite direction of me and my bros when we head out. I figured she wouldn't be the only one tonight so I shrug it off.

Fast forward a couple hours and we're at my bro's frat house getting trashed. My bros and I are chugging beer like an Ethiopian village given some water for the first time.  We all break up and start dancing on some girls while still downing the finest Natty Ice. Eventually people start leaving little by little and it gets to be desperation time.  There's not much left so I say fuck it and head back to my dorm, and all my bros left earlier apparently. I get back alone and walk in to see my roommate sitting on the couch, talking to M. He tells me to come sit and after a few minutes he gets up and goes to his girls dorm, and gives me the room for the night.

At this point M is staring at me, and I'm staring at her fake plastic handcuffs. She walks to my room and I know its on. She throws me on my roommates bed and handcuffs me and starts riding me like Seabiscuit and I'm just enjoying every second. After about 20 minutes she gets off and unhand cuffs me. She says she's not feeling well and I'm a little pissed. She heads into my bathroom and I leave my room to go talk to my bros.

On my short stroll down the hall to my bros room, S stops me and asks if I've seen M.  Being the nice guy I am, I take her to my room to find M passed out on my roommate's bed. S thanks me for taking care of her, and I appreciated the praise i got for doing nothing. Next thing I know we're getting ready to go at it on my bed while M is passed out next to us. S asks if I had a condom, I almost shit myself because I know I just used the last one on M. I kept by cool though and said I'll check and walk over to the garbage can to pull out the condom M and I used. I strap it on and go at it with S until i finally get to finish. I get up and go to the bathroom to find that S had woken up M and taken her back to her room. I went to bed thinking about what I had just done, and even happy about how S took M out of the room without me having to do anything to get them the hell out of there.

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