by J. Camm on January 14, 2013

I’ve been living with my girlfriend for over a year now. I planned a trip for myself to my hometown. I didn’t want to go with my girl, because the truth was that I wanted to let loose and going out with my girlfriend just wasn’t the same as going out with friends. Honestly, I could care less if I ever go out drinking with my girlfriend ever again. What’s the point?

Anyway, I finally made it to Chicago and after visiting with family briefly, I was ready to get crazy. My boy picked me up and we went to our other friends condo in downtown where the pre-gaming began. I remember having to take a piss, and upon opening the toilet seat I saw a goddamn Smirnoff ice taped inside the bowl. That motherfucker, really? A couple other people came by the house, one of which was my buddies' girlfriends' sister. She and I never hooked up but that was only because she was like 16 when I first met her. I whispered to my bro asking him how old she was. He responded, “19.”  Perfect. 

She looked extra slutty this evening. But I just got here and I wasn’t gonna settle for someone this early in the night, so I just made fun of her instead.

I'd been taking shots all night now and it was really starting to hit me. I was outta form. I needed to pace myself, so I grabbed a beer for the road and we left for the bars. We drank more, and I'm dancing (i.e grinding on) what I believe to be an absolute fucking smoke. My buddy tells me that she is less than hot. I don’t believe him. I'm a sucker for heals and short dresses. We’re making out, and before I know it my boy pulls me aside and tells me its time to leave. We do, but not before I slap some random girls ass on the way out. I just know she liked that. 

We get back to the house and the 19-year-old is there with her friend. I am going to have sex with her tonight. My bro hooked up with her friend, and all was well. My phone was blowing up in the morning. My girlfriend was calling, and I think that’s when 19 decided she should leave. I couldn’t agree more. 

Long story short I felt like the man for the next day or so before going back home to my lovely girlfriend. This was the first time I cheated on her.

Fast-forward two weeks when my buddy texts me asking about if I ever had sex with 19 and that he hoped I didn’t cause she had “some shit”.  I knew that he was fucking with me but I had to call him to hear him tell me that he was joking in person. He was stone cold serious. The clap. FUCK.

But I don’t have any symptoms? Maybe I do? I called 19 to see if it was true, and it was. She told me that it wasn’t a big deal and that all I had to do was go to a clinic and take a little pill and it would be gone.  FUCK YOU IT ISN'T A BIG DEAL I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO NOW HAS IT TOO!! You fucking whore!!

Whats amazing is that in all the years of hooking up with random girls I rarely, if ever, used condoms and never, not once, did I catch anything. That is some serious karma.

Thing is I did use a condom that night, but I didn’t in the morning, and fuck me cocksucker motherfucker, I fucked up. I immediately went to the clinic and was given 4 pills which I pretended to ingest. What was the point of me getting clean now if my girlfriend has it too?! My only option now was to whip up a power smoothie and crush the antibiotics into a shake, and then feed that to my girlfriend. What would you have done?!

Turned out I never got it. Thank God. I will never cheat on her again. Without a condom.

What would I have done? Certainly not the same thing as you, my friend. I probably would've taken the pills myself and then held off on fucking my girlfriend for like a week until I figured out whether or not I turned her vagina into a cheese dispensary.

Then, if she did get it, and she went to the doc and found out  it was the Clap, I'd plead ignorance and say she probably got it from a toilet seat or her unwashed dildo or something. I don't know, just about anything seems a less risky than the route you chose.


So right before winter vacation, about four weeks ago, I decided to call it quits with my girlfriend of a little over a year. The break-up went well enough and I was able to have a fun drama free holiday. My only woe that I'd never have a shot with her hot friends (as opposed to the slim chance I'd have if she'd dumped me). Last weekend, as everyone returned from their vacations a mutual friend hosted a party at his house, and no surprise my ex is there. She is constantly surrounded by three of her hot friends who decide to be petty and try and make me feel badly. They whisper while looking in my direction, loudly complimenting my ex, give me the evil eye, and even going so far as to insult me loudly enough for me to hear. Being the type of guy I am, I pretend not to have noticed this and go over to this group to casually ask how their christmases' went. In return for my civility I get a “fine”, a “It was nice” and several glares. I go back to my game of pong.

Fast-forward several hours. At this point one of the girls who'd been rude to me earlier in the evening had taken a few drinks and loosened up; at this point she started sending very different signals. With a casual head nod this girl follows me upstairs, to a bedroom. She tells me “No one can know about this,” as she reaches into my pants. We fuck.

As I go downstairs one of my bro's gives me a fist-bump and tells me “I could hear that.” As I look around I see the party's pretty much cleared out and my ex and her posse are nowhere in sight.

Now I'm not sure if my ex has found out about that her best friend is a two-faced bitch, but it appears like she doesn't know and I'm perfectly happy keeping it that way. Content with achieving what some would deem impossible.

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