Life
by David Covucci on February 28, 2014

vegas-sign

Hey, guess what? It’s Friday afternoon. How about some Hook-up Heroes? Yes, you say? Well first a quick dose of medicine.

Send yours in here!

There. That wasn’t so bad. Now on to your stories.

So it was my first time in Vegas with my cousin. I figured it was a must to get a hooker, because the sheer experience of paying for sex is what Vegas is all about.

Note: not true, but whatevs.

So around 4 a.m., after a hard night of partying, I decide that we are going to order them to the room. My buddy says “Bro, I am going to get McDonalds, you order the hookers.” He stumbles into the room about 20 minutes later with loads of food, and passes out immediately. I stay up, call the service and they inform me that a girl will be arriving in about an hour.

So a girl walks in around 5 a.m., sees my cousin passed out and says “It’s $200 but I didn’t know their would be two of you.” I look her straight in her eye and said “Does he look like he’s in any shape to fuck you?” So after 10 minutes of negotiating prices, she storms out. I call the company and yell “What kind of hookers are you operating with here? This girl was a total bitch, you guys operate in bad faith. Send me another girl.” The women on the other end answered “Sir, you are ordering a prostitute not late night food. It’s all in bad faith. But another girl will arrive within a half hour.”
Finally at 6 AM, a girl arrives. I take her to the bathroom and she starts blowing me, I ask her to have sex to which she replies with attitude “Thats another $150 dollars”. So I said “Fuck it, just finish this.” As she continues to blow me, I remember the McDonalds that is sitting on the sink counter, and start to eat the fries as she continues to blow me. She looks up at me in shock and says “What the fuck are you doing?” I replied “You’re having a snack, I’m having a snack. I bet my snack tastes better.”
She couldn’t help but laugh, finished the blowjob and left.
Its time to buy a timeshare in Vegas.
Alright. How about an obtusely methaphored story comparing baseball to sex?

I title this rousing narrative “Back to Back to Back Jacks.” This story takes place in my younger years, two years ago to be specific. I was a semi-inexperienced sophomore who had recently ended a year-long relationship. I stupidly got a girlfriend freshman year and legitimately broke up with the poor sack on our one-year anniversary, but that is a story for another day.

On this particular weekend, we had received a solid foot of snow from the anti-partying gods, who for some reason did not want us to leave our apartment. Being a solely bar school, the snow was quite inconvenient.

However, the great people of Armenia gave us the gift of a nice little hole in the wall, Middle-Eastern restaurant that doubled as a bar in the after hours. The best part, the bar was less than a five minute walk for campus. The normally ghost town like bar became the hub of campus debauchery for the night. After a solid pregame, we began the trek to our night’s destination.

The drinks flowed and we danced with many girls until the end of the night drew near. When I’m alone at the end of the night I refer to myself as the “sand shark;” I skim the ocean floor for some serious bottom feeders. My buddy and I started what was seemingly a slurred fill pre-bang arrangement with a pair of girls that would combine for a solid 5… I’ll let you do the math. We walked them back through the Hoth-like battlefield that was our campus until I comfortably laid my lady in my bed.

Everything was going fine until my new friend declared there would be no home runs hit in this ball game, but simply a stretch triple. I accepted my lack of power and settled at third base until the home section booed and I became increasingly bored. Luckily, throughout the night I had been in solid communication with my bullpen. I made the call to a sturdy righty, left the prude in my bed, and walked across our complex to my middle reliever’s house.

She was waiting for me in the nude with chesticles that hung below the Mason-Dixon line. This time I was swinging for the fences. One swing and boom, out of the park. The business was done and I begin my retreat back to my home ballpark. However, I decided that this game was going to extras. I reached into my pocket for my phone and dug deep into my bench that night. Once again a pinch hitter came up in the clutch, I once again started to walk to an apartment complex to meet my utility woman. She greeted me and yes, he did it. Back-to-back homers. After my Reggie Jackson-esque performance I slept comfortably through the night. This night will live on as the “back-to-back-to- back night” in all our memories.

Those baseball metaphors were more torturous than watching a baseball game. As Jay-Z would say, on to the next one.

I’d like to start my story by thanking the creator of Tinder.

So it’s Halloween weekend and I was lined up to hang out with two girls on Friday, which was the day after Halloween, since I thought plans would fall through with one of them. The plans worked out between both of them and the first girl came over to my dorm during the day (she was from a nearby college). We hung out for a little bit, played some darts and watched TV. Then, after about an hour she says “I need to leave soon, but not yet” and I knew this was the third-base coach waving me into home.

What the fuck is with all the baseball metaphors?

So I go in for the kiss and before you know it, we’re fucking. Having made a set time to hang out with the other girl, which was pretty soon, all I could think about while we were fucking was making it to the other girl’s place on time. As soon I was done, I checked my phone and luckily the other girl pushed back our hang out a bit.

Right after I walked the girl to her car, I took the quickest shower of my life and managed to get my car-less ass on the bus to girl #2′s school, which is only a 10-minute ride. I was still grasping the fact the I finally bagged a Tinder chick and I had my chance at another one in the same day. So chick #2 and I hang out for a while, then she convinces me to go out to a party with her and her friends. I was already tired out from the Pretty Lights concert I went to Halloween night and from fucking the first chick, so I knew that the night would be a bust if I didn’t bag two Tinder chicks in one night.

We go a couple parties and neither of us even get buzzed, so we got bored and decided to call it and go back to her dorm. When we got back, we got comfy then started making out in her bed. Then she asks me if I think it’s too early to have sex, to which I reply “nah.” So we fucked, of course, and I crashed at her place, then took the bus ride of shame back home in the morning. This is easily the highlight of my college career so far.

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[Vegas sign via Shutterstock]

David Covucci

About David Covucci...

David Covucci is writerer-bloggerer for BroBible dot com. He loves Twitter and whiskey. He can be reached at david.covucci@brobible.com.