Life
by J. Camm on June 3, 2013

While studying abroad last semester, my group of friends and I headed into one of the better bar districts in the city. After about an hour of drinking, we see another group of Americans at a bar. I struck up a conversation with a solid 8, we’ll call her Anne. Within 30 seconds she was giving me the “I’m drunk and want to fuck you already” eyes. It was about 10:00pm at that point, so a little early to call it a night. I’ll save you the pleasantries, but throughout the next four hours there were several bar changes, bottles and bottles of foreign beer, and a few too many tequila shots.

By 2 in the morning we were at a club, and I was teetering just a few sips of precious alcohol away from total blackout. Anne had been on my dick the entire night. It was time to close the deal. I not-so-smoothly ask her if she wants to go back to my dorm for the night, and she responds with “yes, but let’s talk first.” Now at this point I can’t string together a coherent sentence, but I agree. We go to a quieter area and she says, “I want to go back with you, but we aren’t going to sleep together.” At this point I’m starting to feel a little sick, and it’s not from getting turned down before I’m even given a chance. I legitimately want to go back whether I’m getting it in or not, so I agree and we walk back.

I let Anne in my room, and I can’t even close the door before she attacks me like a wild animal. She has her clothes off within 60 seconds, no exaggeration. She then proceeds to give me a monstrous hickey on my chest (sounds weird, but not going to lie, I didn’t hate it), and move farther south to perform some respectable dome work for a while. Pretty strange for a girl who doesn’t want to bone, huh?

Anyway, I’m in a drunken coma by this point, barely conscious, and letting her do every ounce of work. Just before her knob job was going to bring me to finish, she stops and proudly declares she’s changed her mind and wants to have sex. She then drops a doozy: she’s a virgin. I’ve had a few experiences with virgins before this, and they all turned out terribly messed up. However, I was in peak sexual arousal and very, very drunk, so I proceeded to reach into my nightstand for a condom. Girls suck, don’t they?

I get the condom on and take my position. But there’s a problem: it won’t go in. I’m not talking about the normal tightness you’d expect from a virgin (also note that my dick is averagely mediocre in both length and girth), I’m talking physically impossible to get inside this girl. We try for no less than half an hour, several positions, but to no avail. At this point I’m going soft, so I suggest calling it quits and going to sleep. Anne, noticeably embarrassed by the situation, asks “would lube help?” To my exhausted, frustrated self, this is a stupid question. I say “of course it would, but I don’t have any,” to which she replies “I keep a bottle in my purse – let me get it.” Now, let me ask you, have you ever seen a sane virgin who carries lube in her purse? No. This should have been a red flag, and I should have cut my losses and called it quits. But alas, the chokehold that my balls have on my life prevailed again, and I agreed to give it a try. With the lube and some more effort, we eventually accomplish what we set out to do, but it was still uncomfortable for her, not good for me, and all around terrible sex. I pretend to finish, rip the condom off, and pass out.

I wake up at 7:30 with a pounding headache and Anne beside me. The light is pouring in my window. I open my eyes and look around. What I saw next can never be unseen. Blood. Everywhere. I MEAN, EVERYWHERE. I was most focused on the blood that as on me. THERE WAS SEMI-DRY VAGINA BLOOD COVERING MY STOMACH, DICK, AND THIGHS. My midsection was literally painted a shade of disgusting red. The white wall adjacent to my bed had several nausea-inducing streaks on it. And the smell. EVERYTHING smelled like bloody vagina. Never smelled bloody vagina? You don’t want to.

I got out of bed, vomited, and immediately went in the shower. I scrubbed for thirty minutes, but my poor penis never would forgive me. While in the shower I am praying to every deity I can think of to please make sure Anne wakes up and surveys the scene. Surely she’ll be mortified and immediately leave, right? Wrong.

I cautiously open the door to the bathroom, hoping she isn’t still asleep. She isn’t. In fact she is very much awake. Smiling. Looking straight at me. While rubbing the pints of blood that are on her skin up and down, as if it’s some sort of massage oil and she’s trying to be sexy. She grabs a semi-dry CLUMP OF BLOOD from my sheets and rubs it on her tits. I vomit on my floor while staring straight at her. SHE KEEPS ON SMILING and says “I woke up horny… want to go round 2?”

This is simply too much for me. I knew if I opened my mouth to speak, I would vomit again. I grabbed my clothes and walked out the door without saying a word. When I returned an hour later, she was gone, but the mess was not. Despite throwing my sheets in a dumpster and using an entire bottle of Clorox, I never slept soundly in that room again.

GOOD GRAVY. Actually, bad gravy. THE WORST!

NEXT!

So this actually happened to me in a few years ago in high school, but somehow I just recently discovered this awesome website.

Background first: I went to a small Catholic school for elementary and middle school before going to a huge public high school. I didn't know anyone so I focused on academics and sports my first two years, not making many friends nor going out very much.

It was the end of sophomore year. If you couldn't already guess, I was still a virgin. I made varsity lacrosse that year and heard about all the upperclassmen talk about hooking up and going out so much that I finally wanted to. My older sister had just graduated and she invited me to a grad party. We went together along with one of her very attractive blonde friends. After having a few drinks at the party together, my sister-who happened to be newly single-left us to talk with a guy. I'm left with her friend, lets call her “Megan”. She graduated with my sister so she was a few years older than me. She asked me to dance with her to which I declined, being as awkward and shy as I was back then. So she says she'll be right back, coming back with more drinks for us. This happened a few more times as we talked and I became drunk enough that I finally danced with her.

We danced for awhile, and I kept asking myself why she was spending time with me when all her classmates are here. As she grinded on me more, I finally took the hint and I eventually asked her if she wanted to get some fresh air. She smiled, took me by the hand, and we walked out to the side of the house and she immediately starts putting her tongue down my throat. She was wearing one of those summer dresses and I was feeling daring, so I slipped my hands through the side of the dress and feel her up. This must have really put her in the mood because the next thing I know she's taking me to her car. She pushes me down on the backseat and procedes to take off my shorts, blows me, and eventually gets on top and rides me.

Afterwards, we lay down next to each for a little bit before she finally says “We CAN'T tell your sister about this.” I couldn't have agreed more. We put our clothes back on and went in. We still haven't told my sister about it and every time we see each other now, we always give a “yeah, we fucked” smile.

SHAME ON YOU…for just discovering us, not for all the premarital sex. Never for all the premarital sex.

NEXT!

So every summer I go to Provincetown in Cape Cod for the whole summer. It's a little town on the tip of the cape where alcohol and weed is a literally a phone call away. I mean this town fucking party's hard. The only thing I care about is all the pussy that town has. Girls on vacation with their families,tourists but this story is about a girl who lives on cape. Lets call her Jillian.

So I've already fucked this girl multiple times the past summer. One night I'm fucking cocked and I see her waiting for the bus with her annoying black friend. I'm not saying I don't like black people but this girl was a real cunt. I mean, she just wouldn't shut the fuck up. But anyways, I snag Jill and starting bullshitting saying how I really like her and how we should go for a walk.

We start to walk on the beach and finally we get to ” the spot ” where I hookup with all the chicks I pickup. We start talking and I'm getting closer and closer to convincing this girl to get naked but all of a sudden my bro Brad comes out of nowhere, cocked, and would't leave. I mean, I was screaming at him but he just wouldn't leave. He started talking to Jillian and saying we should have a threesome but the funny thing is she wasn't saying no!

At that point we both ale our shirts off get this girl naked. The next thing I know I'm hitting it from the back while my bro is getting dome and in the middle of it we dap each other up for accomplishing this clutch act.

We both bust in her mouth.

The next day I saw my bro, and from that moment we weren't just best buds, we were brothers.

Submit your Hook Up Heroes stories here

[Sex image via ShutterStock]